Tools to set your mind free: Little white lies
One of the many reasons that I love coaching is that it is great at getting me out of a 'funk'. I can get stuck in my funks, creating even stickier stuck feelings. These are the sorts of thoughts that swim around my head when I am in a said funk:
- Why can't (insert name) just (do/say/be) (less/more) (insert action)?'
- 'Why can't I just (insert thing I believe isn't happening, even though I am trying)?'
You get the gist. I am usually externalising a frustration, such as, "If only I could just get them to do something, everything would be fine."
That's a disempowering thought as it takes away my ability to create what I want for myself. There is a hopeless feeling or sensibility to my funks. I have a pretty high resilience factor that I have cultivated over the years. I believe and I know myself to be strong, compassionate, direct and optimistic, but around the corner, there is always something, be it circumstance or situation which can cloud my clarity and focus, then I can find myself scrabbling around for the answer or the way out; in an effort to shake off the difficulty somehow. It feels frustrating, unsettling and distracting.
But, as I delve deeply into the thoughts and feelings that get me stuck, I uncover some juicy things that really help me to un-funk myself.
Let me share my delving with you:
I have for years and years felt a huge sense of responsibility. From an early age I
witnessed both adults and children lying or hiding the truth, sometimes in an effort to be socially acceptable or to save others' feelings. I could see how people would hide themselves, their thoughts, feelings etc. I could see how easily they would lie, or hide the truth to save themselves, blame others, make themselves feel better, soften the blow for others, or just mislead others.
The spectrum between white, through grey to black lies seemed so odd to me. Lies are nearly as confusing and unsettling to me now, as they were to me then. Learning how to lie felt like a precarious balance in social acceptability, I had to learn how to do it convincingly if I was to be included, rather than be alienated, disliked or ridiculed. It felt pretty terrifying from a very young age.
I was taught to consider peoples' feelings and yet when people weren't speaking the truth, how was I supposed to take their true feelings into account, when I wasn't sure what they were?
Now, when I feel myself beginning to bend the truth to not offend or upset others, or if I omit information so that others may not judge me, I physically feel the sting of fear of 'being found out.'
So, linking these feelings together, the funk and the fear of being found out feel very similar. I know that when I am in a funk I haven't been honest with myself or someone else.
Then I ask myself:
- Where are you lying to yourself?
- What are you afraid of sharing with others?
- How are you lying to others?
- How are you trying to manage others' opinions of you?
- What are you afraid of them finding out about you?
- Can you be honest with yourself about what you need?
- How can you create what you desire for yourself right now?
- Invite yourself to let go the responsibility of how others see you.
Share yourself generously and lovingly today.