Divorce and ADHD: 3 tips to navigate the process

Divorce is one of the most stressful and traumatic life events that individuals can go through. Not only are you dealing with the emotional rollercoaster of heartbreak, sadness, loss, and anger, but the practical elements of divorce can be overwhelming for anyone because there is so much information to process and some incredibly important decisions that must be made around finances, children and living arrangements.

The behaviour characteristics that are used to define ADHD - either a persistent pattern of inattention, hyperactivity-impulsivity, or a combination of inattention and hyperactivity-impulsivity - can make the journey of divorce particularly challenging for some people with an ADHD diagnosis.

As well as being an accredited breakup and divorce coach, I also have a lot of experience working with neurodivergent individuals, so the combination of those areas of expertise means that I can offer some help to those of you going through divorce with ADHD. So here are my three top tips to get you started:

1. Get support

Establish a ‘breakup support team’ - a positive and supportive group of people who will help you deal with your emotions, stay focused and get clarity to make the best decisions. Having the right people guiding you can help you concentrate on healing, thinking about your future and creating a path to a better, more contented life.

You may not need all of them all of the time, but identifying them and having their contact details helps to reduce overwhelm and stress. Divorce is expensive, and so having the right people at the right time guiding you through can help you save money in the long run. Your support network should ideally be a combination of professionals and trusted friends/family and might look like this:

Family lawyer

Getting sound legal advice is so important. You might find it difficult to open up about your ADHD, but in my experience, it is advisable to tell your legal team at the start that you have ADHD and which characteristics may make the process more of a challenge.

There is so much information to take in during a divorce, forms to fill in and important decisions to make. If you find organisation, distraction, multi-tasking or remembering information particularly difficult, letting your solicitor know may help them adapt how they communicate information and support you.

When looking for a solicitor, ask around because some practices have lawyers who are experienced in working with neurodivergent individuals.

Financial adviser

The financial side of divorce can be challenging and complex for anybody. I have seen clients with ADHD who have found that sorting out finances with their ex, alongside fears about future financial security, can cause huge anxiety.

Seeking advice from a suitably qualified professional, such as an independent financial adviser, can help you gain clarity and make things feel easier to manage.

Divorce coach

A divorce coach can help you deal with your emotions and positively support you through divorce. They may help you:

• stay organised;
• prepare for conversations and appointments;
• work alongside the appropriate legal professionals where needed;
• refocus on your future and the kind of life you want to build.

Seeking the help of a divorce coach with experience in neurodiversity can also be helpful.

GP, mental health professional or counsellor

You may need additional medical or emotional support while going through your divorce, so informing the appropriate healthcare professional can be a good idea.

Family and friends

Choose a couple who are your ‘ride or die’, that you trust.

Exercise buddy

Movement can be helpful when dealing with stress and emotions. Having someone you can walk with, go to the gym with or play your favourite sport with may help.

People who help you feel good

This could be your hairdresser, nail tech, PT or massage therapist. Divorce can knock your self-confidence and self-belief. Looking after yourself and giving yourself little ‘treats’ can help. It sounds trivial, but in my experience, it can make a big difference in shifting your focus from some of the negativity you’re dealing with.

Help around the home

A babysitter, gardener or someone who can help with odd jobs may make things more manageable, particularly with jobs your ex might previously have done. It is OK to ask for help.

This is much easier to consume without substantially reducing the member's contribution. I particularly like breaking the divorce-coach section into bullets because that's where the original starts feeling repetitive.

2. Be with your emotions

Emotional dysregulation can be a common characteristic of ADHD. Individuals may have trouble managing their emotions, or emotions can seem more intense with ADHD. People experience a range of emotions while navigating divorce, and this can be particularly troubling if you already have difficulties with emotional regulation.

• It is important to acknowledge and identify the emotions you are feeling and why you may be feeling them at a particular time.
• Allow yourself to acknowledge them as they arise, rather than automatically pushing them away.
• Emotions can change over time, even when they feel overwhelming in the moment.
• Once you have ‘felt’ the negative emotions, it can help to practise dialling them down in your mind, even by one notch.
• Learning strategies to shift your focus to something more positive can help if you are feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions.
• Some people find gratitude helpful for shifting their attention towards things that still feel supportive or meaningful. Create a list of all the things, large or small, that you are grateful for and that make you happy, ensuring you can access it easily when you feel low or stressed.

3. Communication with your ex

There will need to be communication between both parties during a divorce, and in my experience, communication with an ex can cause a huge amount of anxiety and stress. Some of the characteristics of ADHD may make clear communication tricky, by way of ‘trying to say too much’ or forgetting what has been agreed, so here are a few strategies that are worth remembering:

• Where appropriate, use written communication, such as emails. This can make it easier to keep a record of what has been discussed and agreed.
• Keep communication factual and avoid sharing personal information with your ex where this is appropriate to your circumstances.
• When discussing practical divorce arrangements, keeping communication clear and focused on the relevant information can help prevent the key message from becoming lost. Use other healthy avenues to express and process your emotions.
• Have a notebook where you write down, as they occur, any questions you have for any of your professional experts, and make any notes you may want to in meetings.
• Organisation is important during divorce, so set up some email folders to keep correspondence and get some paper folders to keep the forms and financial information you may need to collate during the process.

Everybody’s divorce journey is unique and personal, but if you add ADHD into the mix, navigating divorce may seem even more challenging for some people. These strategies may help make some aspects of the process feel more manageable.