Why self-love feels hard & how trauma-informed coaching can help

If you’ve spent years trying to think your way into self-love – perhaps through journaling, affirmations, or mindset tools – yet still feel shameful, unlovable, or like a burden, you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. 

This is often the case for many who try to create change through cognitive work alone. Logically, you understand you’re worthy and could even list all the ways you’re an awesome human being, but at your core, it just doesn’t feel true. This is because cognitive work doesn’t always reach the root of the issue.

To embody self-love, especially if you have a trauma history, we need to start where the wound lives – not just in the mind, but in the nervous system.

Trauma changes how we see ourselves

One of the most insidious effects of trauma is how it distorts our perception of self.

When we experience trauma, whether it’s neglect, abuse, bullying or even repeated experiences of not being seen or heard, our nervous system tries to make sense of the experience. However, under the influence of strong emotions, it often creates false narratives which become our reality:

• “I’m too much.”
• “I’m not enough.”
•  “I’m unlovable.”
•  “I don’t belong.”

These beliefs are not rational. They’re not based in truth. But they feel true because they are encoded into our nervous system through powerful emotional experiences like fear, shame, or helplessness. 

So, what is trauma, really?

Trauma isn’t just about what happened to you. It’s about what happened inside you as a result. It is the residue of unresolved stress – stored emotion, stuck defensive responses (like fight, flight, freeze, or fawn), and unconscious beliefs that formed in moments when we didn’t have the safety, capacity, or support to process what we were feeling.

You may know you’re worthy of love and compassion, but still feel disconnected from it. That’s because the emotional charge behind those early experiences hasn’t been metabolised yet. And no amount of mental reframing will convince a dysregulated nervous system that it’s safe to believe something different.

Why cognitive tools alone often don’t work

Most personal development approaches are top-down. They start with trying to reprogramme thoughts, beliefs and behaviours in order to change the deeper wiring. This can work to an extent, but when trauma is present, the nervous system resists change. 

That’s because our beliefs, thoughts, and behaviours are often created as a way to protect us. The nervous system is designed to keep us safe, not to be logical. So even if you’re saying, “I love and accept myself,” a deeper part of you might still be bracing for rejection or shame.

This is why change can sometimes feel like trying to “trick” yourself into believing something your body isn’t yet on board with.

How trauma-informed coaching supports self-love

Trauma-informed coaching meets you at the root of your issue – your nervous system. It’s a bottom-up approach that combines somatic tools, nervous system regulation, and compassionate inquiry to help you gently resolve the emotions and beliefs that keep you stuck rather than relying solely on mindset and behaviour change. 

Instead of pushing away your shame or trying to overpower it with positive thinking, we turn toward it with compassion. We create space for the parts of you that carry pain, fear, or unworthiness. We regulate, not override. We listen, not label. We learn how to be with discomfort in a safe, titrated way that allows true integration and change to take place.

Over time, this work rewires your nervous system to feel safer being you and loving yourself. 

Self-love starts with safety

Real self-love isn’t about “convincing” yourself that you’re lovable, but removing the barriers that made you believe you weren’t.

When we work at a root cause level, we create permanent shifts in how we feel about ourselves, including shifting any false perceptions of self created by trauma.

And from that place? Self-love is no longer something you have to strive for. It becomes something you simply are.