Why confidence can feel fragile and how to build it from within

Have you ever noticed how your confidence can seem to disappear, even if you logically know you’re capable?

You might be doing well at work, achieving things others admire. You might even be seen as “confident” on the outside, and yet, one piece of criticism knocks you sideways, or one mistake can send you spiralling into self-doubt. One person’s disapproval may even leave you second-guessing yourself for days.

It's important to remember that this isn’t a character flaw. It’s often a sign of something deeper, it's often linked to a psychological phenomena known as "conditions of worth".

What are 'conditions of worth'?

The idea comes from psychologist Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology. He described conditions of worth as a bit like the invisible rules that we learn early in life about what makes us “acceptable” or “worthy” of love, approval, or success.

They might sound like:

• “I must always succeed.”
• “I must never upset anyone.”
• “I must be the strong one.”
• “I must not show anger.”
• “I must not ask for too much.”

We tend to internalise these messages from parents, teachers, workplaces, and the wider culture. Over time, they become part of how we see ourselves and how we measure our worth.

How conditions of worth impact confidence

One of the most common ways these internal rules show up is in our confidence.

When our worth feels tied to certain external outcomes or a certain level of performance or way of behaving, our confidence becomes tied to them, too.

So if you’re succeeding, you might feel confident, but if you’re failing (or think you are), your confidence plummets. This creates what I call fragile confidence – confidence that depends on constant achievement, approval, or control.

Clients often tell me:

• “I’m confident when I’m on top of everything, but I fall apart when I’m not.”
• “I’m confident when everyone’s happy with me, but terrified of disappointing people.”
• “I’m confident when I’m perfect, but any mistake feels unbearable.”

Why is this linked to power?

Conditions of worth aren’t neutral. They often reflect power dynamics we’ve experienced. For example, the roles we played in our family, how we were disciplined or praised, they're linked to cultural expectations and the messages we pick up around who we're meant to be based on our gender, race, class, etc. It's what we learn about our performance in school and how people respond when we fail or succeed. It's how the people around us responded to our emotions, too. 

In other words, someone, somewhere, taught us what was “acceptable” about ourselves and what wasn’t. We listened to those rules in order to exist as best we could. Now, the old rules are still running, even when they no longer serve us.

So what builds genuine confidence?

True, sustainable confidence comes from a different foundation: unconditional self-worth. This can take practice, and it can feel a bit alien at first! Unconditional self-worth means knowing:

• I am worthy whether or not I succeed today.
• I am worthy whether or not everyone approves of me.
• I am worthy whether or not I’m performing at my peak.

Of course, a counter I hear to this is but then "I'll be lazy" and "I'll never get anything done". This isn’t about lowering your standards or trying less; it's about the place the trying and effort comes from. It’s about freeing yourself from the invisible rules that keep your confidence fragile. 

What can you do?

If this resonates, here are three ways to start exploring your own patterns:

• Notice the rules. Next time your confidence drops, ask: What am I telling myself I “should” be or do right now?
• Ask where they came from. Whose approval were you trying to secure? What old system or power dynamic taught you this rule?
• Experiment with new foundations. Start building worth that isn’t tied to performance. What does it feel like to value yourself, even when you’re imperfect? 

If you recognise yourself in this, you’re not alone. Many of my clients, especially high-achievers, leaders, and professionals, come to me feeling “successful but not secure.”

They’ve worked hard to build confidence, but it keeps diminishing under pressure. Once we explore the deeper conditions of worth, things start to change.

If you’d like support with this work, then reach out to a coach or a therapist.