Why chasing happiness makes us miserable (and what to do instead)

I’m a happiness coach, and this is what I know: chasing happiness makes people miserable. Happiness is a worthy goal, isn’t it? The pursuit of it fuels countless self-help books, Instagram quotes, and life goals. Yet, paradoxically, many people discover that chasing happiness makes them feel more miserable. Why is that?

Viktor Frankl, the renowned psychologist and Holocaust survivor, put it best:

In other words, happiness is not something we can chase or grasp. If we place expectations on happiness or demand it, the pressure causes it to disappear. Instead, the broad range of positive emotions associated with feeling happiness more often appear as a by-product of how we get on and live our lives, the meaning we find in our activities, and the well-being we create in our lives.

Another reason chasing happiness feels so futile is the hedonic treadmill. This psychological phenomenon describes how we quickly adapt to good fortune or external pleasures, returning to our general baseline level of happiness. Think of that new car or promotion, it gives us a boost of enthusiasm at the outset, but in a relatively short space of time we adapt to it - it soon feels normal, leaving us craving our next dopamine "fix."

Arthur Brooks, Harvard professor and author of Build the Life You Want, offers a powerful insight: “If you want to be happier, want less.” He explains that constantly wanting more - whether material goods, accolades, or experiences - can create a cycle of dissatisfaction. These things are not necessarily bad for us, but are better balanced with a stronger, internal, sustainable source of contentment, by focusing on what is available to us in our daily lives, which can free us from the relentless pursuit of "more."  My opinion on this is that instead of chasing happiness, we tend to our holistic wellbeing.

As a life coach, I see firsthand how small, deliberate actions can significantly improve wellbeing. Positive psychology offers a helpful framework for well-being, known as the PERMAH model. This model offers six elements to our well-being:

1. Positive emotions: Finding moments of joy, serenity, or contentment in everyday life.
2. Engagement: Immersing yourself fully in activities that capture your curiosity and attention.
3. Relationships: Building meaningful connections with others and fostering a sense of belonging.
4. Meaning: Living in alignment with a sense of purpose or dedicating yourself to something greater than yourself.
5. Accomplishment: Setting meaningful goals and celebrating progress toward things that matter deeply to you.
6. Health: Maintaining habits that support both your physical vitality and emotional resilience.

Vanessa King, board member at Action for Happiness, reminds us: “At the heart of happiness is taking action that we know can lead to a happier life - whether that is internal action or external actions, the clue is in the name.”  By this, we can understand that happiness doesn’t come to us passively. Instead, we must take action in honour of our holistic well-being. This is how happiness can emerge - not from chasing, but from intentionally nurturing the foundations of a happier and fulfilling life - through tending to our overall wellbeing.

6 practical tips for greater happiness and well-being

 (Aligned with PERMAH)

1. Cultivate positive emotions

Spend a few minutes each day reflecting on things that bring you joy, peace, or gratitude. Whether it's through journaling, savouring a moment, or focusing on simple pleasures, nurturing positive emotions can elevate your mood and overall outlook. Ask yourself: What are three good things in my life today?

2. Increase engagement

Find activities that immerse you fully, whether it’s a hobby, work project, or creative pursuit. Engage in tasks that challenge and capture your attention - this flow state can enhance your sense of purpose and well-being. Ask yourself: What are my strengths, the ones  I enjoy using?

3. Strengthen relationships

Invest time and energy in building meaningful relationships. Whether with family, friends, or colleagues, nurturing deep connections through regular communication, empathy, and shared experiences contributes to a sense of belonging and love.

4. Find and live your meaning

Identify what gives your life purpose. This might be your career, a personal mission, or contributing to a cause that matters to you. When you align your actions with your values and purpose, you create a life of significance.

5. Create opportunities for a sense of accomplishment

Set meaningful goals that align with your values and take steps toward achieving them. Celebrating small wins along the way helps build a sense of achievement and progress.

6. Prioritise physical and psychological health

Take a proactive approach to your health by caring for both your body and mind. Regular physical activity, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep support your body’s vitality, while practices like walking in nature, journaling and self-refection allow us to 'check-in' and tend to our mental and emotional well-being.

Reaching out for support and companionship when needed nurtures your social and mental health. By taking tender care of yourself, you strengthen your resilience and emotional well-being, laying the foundation required for taking action to engage with your well-being activities. 

Happiness is not a passive state; it’s a by-product of taking thoughtful, intentional action in pursuit of a well-rounded, meaningful, healthier, happier life. By attending to our well-being - physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually - we create the conditions for happiness to flourish.

If you’re ready for a fresh approach to happiness, the PERMAH model is a great place to start. Take deliberate action in honour of your well-being. You may find that happiness arrives more frequently when you stop chasing it and, perhaps, when you feel well, and want and need it less.