How to manage your emotional state and build confidence

Have you ever heard someone say, "She's in a right state"? We often use this expression to describe someone who's feeling upset, anxious or overwhelmed. But our emotional state isn't always negative. It can also describe those moments when we feel calm, confident and ready to take on a challenge.

The way we feel can influence how we think, behave and respond to situations. While we can't always control our emotions, developing greater awareness of them can help us recognise unhelpful patterns and find ways to respond differently.

So, how can you become more aware of your emotional state, and what can you do when your feelings start to affect your confidence?

What is an emotional state?

Our state is the representation of the combination of our thoughts, our physiology, and our feelings at any given time. It also depends on our interaction with our external environment. In coaching, we refer to some of these states are resourceful, e.g. being positive, happy, and contented. Others can be unresourceful, e.g. fear or anger. Of course, sometimes being fearful or angry can be useful, but where it's not appropriate, it can hinder, not help. Remaining in an unresourceful state can bring harm and have a negative impact on our actions.

How to recognise your emotional state

Would you recognise when you’re in an unresourceful state? How would you know? These questions will help;

• What conversations are you having, either with yourself or others? Are they positive and forward-looking, or destructive? Are you focusing on what’s gone wrong, or what is right? Do you speak about catastrophe or what other options might be?
• What feelings can you identify inside? What physical aspects can you notice? A knot in your stomach, or relaxed and calm? Have you noticed what your heart rate is like? How about your breathing - is it accelerated?
• Do your thoughts take you to the future, anticipating with anxiety? Or, perhaps running scenarios that have happened? Maybe you’re paying full attention to what’s happening now? Do you create pictures of disaster, or are you celebrating the good things that are happening?
• What emotions are at the forefront? Happiness, or anxiety?

Our emotions are influenced by both internal and external factors, many outside our control. Yes, we live in the real world where things get messy, but we don’t need to be the cork bobbing about on the sea of others' ups and downs. And it’s not the case that we shouldn’t feel the whole range of emotions - sometimes all in one day. But, when we get stuck inside those emotions and they become a habit, starting to rule our lives, then it’s time to do something different!

How your emotional state can affect confidence

Let me give you an example which was described to me by a client recently (and shared with their permission). Julia (not her real name) had been wanting to progress her career and had been successful in being called for an interview for a job that she wanted very much. There was a lot riding on this day; more money, a promotion, and more opportunities.

Naturally, she felt a bit nervous and wanted to perform well. It would have been very easy for Julia to be overcome by these nerves and become worried, but instead, she made some smart choices and did her preparation. She shared what she did;

• Excellent preparation about the company and the questions asked on the day.
• Decided what she would wear to make sure she was comfortable and feeling at her best.
• Found a keyring she could take with her that reminded her of a lovely day she had had with her family. This acted as an anchor for her, so that on the day of her interview, she could see it and feel it to remind her of the good feelings.
• Spent time imagining the interview. Although she didn’t know what the room would look like, she focused her attention on how she would sit, how confidently she would give her answers, making eye contact with the panel, her hand gestures, and other forms of body language. This aspect was probably the most important part of her preparation, as Julia could create the state she wanted to be in on the day. As she rehearsed this, her thoughts, feelings, and physiology rehearsed the good feelings involved, and because this became the 'norm', it allowed her to recreate this state on the day.

How can we manage our 'state' effectively?

Of course, Julia was able to predict this situation, so was able to plan. Often, things happen which can wobble our state on a day to day basis. But don’t despair. If you find yourself in a situation where you need to change your state to something more positive in the moment, try the following;

• Get up and move - Physical movement, whether that's taking a short walk, stretching or changing your surroundings, may help you release tension and shift your focus.
• Listen to music - Choose something that suits how you'd like to feel. An upbeat song might help you feel more energised, while calming music could help you unwind
• Focus on something else - If you notice yourself dwelling on unhelpful thoughts, try focusing on a task, your surroundings or something that requires your attention.
• Challenge your beliefs - Ask yourself whether there's another way to interpret the situation. Are you assuming the worst, or is there a more balanced perspective?

So, now you can see, can’t you, how useful it is to feel you can manage your state on purpose, and how you can easily apply these simple steps to whichever situation you choose. 

If you find yourself getting stuck in unhelpful patterns or struggling with confidence, talking things through with a life coach may help you explore what's holding you back and identify practical steps towards change. You can find a life coach through Life Coach Directory to support you in working towards your goals.