How to build confidence through small daily habits

One of the most common obstacles we create for ourselves is the idea that confidence is a personality trait. Or a quality that we either possess or we don’t. While our experiences and individual characteristics can influence how confident we feel, confidence can also develop through the habits we practise and the experiences we build over time.

We all arrive at the confidence starting line with different advantages and challenges (a strong inner critic = a challenge; being taught to see failure as a natural part of life = an advantage). But, from that point onward, there are steps we can take to build our confidence, even when some circumstances are outside our control. That can feel both intimidating and empowering. And, as with anything that has that kind of intensity to it, it’s often best to break it down into manageable chunks. 

What is confidence?

I feel like there is a big difference between the people we look at and describe as ‘confident’ and the reality of what confidence feels like. Many of the celebrities we see on red carpets ‘oozing confidence’ (as the tabloids might put it) may actually be eaten up inside with insecurity and putting on a very convincing act that lasts only as long as the cameras keep flashing. The loudest person in the room - or the one who is convinced that they are right about everything - is another example of what we might perceive to be ‘confidence’ but which, for that person, can feel a lot like a desperate need to be seen and validated by others. 

I think confidence is a state of calm clear-headedness where you feel able to the challenges you're facing because of the faith you have in yourself. The word ‘confidence’ comes from the Latin ‘fidere,’ which means ‘to trust.’ So, this is much more about the trust you have in yourself than it is about what you show to others.

Five ways to develop confidence-building habits

It will be a different process for everyone. I have helped many of my resilience coaching clients go through this and no two journeys have been the same. However, there are some actions that may help us develop confidence over time, particularly when we practise them consistently.

Work out what you really want from life

Having a clearer idea of where we're going and what we want to do next can help us feel more self-assured. So, you can lay strong foundations for yourself by getting clear on what you want - and what you don’t.

Take a good hard look at your life and be honest about the parts that you’re not happy with - you could even rate each area, such as career satisfaction, friendships, health and wellbeing etc. out of 10 to see which needs the most attention. One simple exercise to get more clarity on this is to sit and meditate for 10 minutes and just keep asking yourself “what do I want?” You might be surprised by what comes up.

Get clear on who you are

If you know who you are, what you believe in and what’s important to you then you are better placed to make decisions that reflect your values, even when life becomes challenging. This all starts with understanding your values - the things that are the most important to you in life. Look at the parts of your life that honour those values and the ways in which you abandon them.

Anger can sometimes highlight a situation where something important to you feels challenged or overlooked - when did you last get really annoyed, and what about? Which of your values might have felt challenged at the time? This is the place from which we can start creating the solid foundations for confidence, including setting healthy boundaries, recognising feelings associated with imposter syndrome and undoing social conditioning around asking for what you want (and being open to getting it).

Start listening to your inner narratives

One influence on our confidence can be the way we speak to ourselves. The inner critic can sometimes be understood as a response to past experiences or a way of trying to avoid future disappointment. However, it can become a familiar pattern of thinking, a negative, self-defeating narrative of “I can’t,” “I’m not good enough,” “It’s not possible for me” etc. 

When these thoughts become particularly strong, they may discourage us from trying new things or taking steps towards something we want.

Start tuning into the narratives in your head so you can see how much this is affecting you - write down all the negative things you say to yourself for a week. Look for themes within those thoughts that could point to a core belief you’ve adopted. For example, “No one likes me,” “I always say the wrong thing,” “I’m a poor partner,” “I’m not attractive,” “I’m difficult,” could all point to a core belief like “I am not worthy of love.” Once you’re aware of these core beliefs you can start to question them and consider more balanced alternatives, with some work under your own steam, with a therapist, or a coach.

Do

Confidence can grow through experience and taking action. We don't always feel confident before doing something challenging and, while you can tackle negative narratives and develop a loving and supportive mindset, reflection and preparation can also help us feel more ready to take the next step. There are two important messages in this: the first is that if you don’t feel confident before doing something it doesn’t mean you can’t, or shouldn't, do it - it’s not necessarily a sign to give up. And the second is that the more you practise and learn from your experiences, the more opportunities you have to develop confidence.

Start with small steps - if you want to feel more physically confident, for example, then look at small changes you can make to your mobility, new ways to move your body, tackling any social conditioning around your appearance etc. If it’s confidence in speaking up then start by expressing yourself to people you trust before trying it in small groups and work up from there.

Choosing one manageable action to repeat regularly can help you build familiarity and recognise your progress over time.

Show up for yourself consistently

Just as our experiences can sometimes undermine confidence, the way we support ourselves can help us build it too. This starts by being consistently there for yourself in a way that perhaps others in your life haven’t been - or you haven’t in the past. That looks like doing what you plan to do, showing up for the things you know you need to be calm/happy/safe, tackling self-sabotaging and self-destructive habits and putting the time and effort you would lavish on other relationships into the one with yourself. This is how you can gradually develop self-trust, an important part of confidence.

It never happens overnight…

Nothing does, right? How frustrating is that? Building confidence is something that can benefit from regular attention and practice, whether that’s questioning the negative narratives that are undermining you or taking small steps outside of your comfort zone when it feels appropriate. There is no easy or overnight fix when it comes to confidence - but it’s something that many of us can continue developing throughout our lives.

The key is to start small and focus on what you can practise consistently. Whether that's recognising your achievements, questioning unhelpful thoughts or taking one manageable step towards a goal, these repeated actions can help you build trust in your abilities over time.

Resilience coaching may also support people who want to develop greater confidence. Working on resilience - the ability to adapt, bounce back, be flexible and also go on to thrive in your life can complement the process of building confidence and self-trust.