What does confidence mean to you?

The word confidence conjures up different emotions in everyone. It is a powerful word and so often used to describe a characteristic in human behaviour.

“Don’t ask her to make the presentation, she’s not very confident in those kinds of situations.”

“It’s easy for… they are so confident.  I could never do that.”

“I hate networking, I’m not confident enough to walk into a room and approach strangers.”

“He’s so confident, I find it intimidating.”

“They used to be so confident; it’s so sad to watch how they behave now.”

However, confidence is not necessarily a fixed characteristic. While some people may naturally feel more self-assured than others, confidence is also something we can develop through experience and practice.

You might say that some babies appear more confident than others early on when trying out new things. Genetics may play a part in this, but confidence can also be developed, with help, from an early age.

As a very shy child, in the shadow of my bolder older sister, I tried to blend into the background most of the time. Whenever I was asked to do something that was slightly out of my comfort zone, I would refuse, saying I didn’t want to do it, and then I would sit somewhere quietly alone, wishing I had had the confidence to say yes and do it.

I spent a lot of time regretting that I hadn’t taken opportunities that were offered to me, and I was pretty sulky as a result! I felt ‘less than’ in most situations and worried that this would never change.  

But it did change.

I made a conscious decision when I went to university to reinvent myself. This was possible as no one there knew me and didn’t know my older sister. They didn’t know that I was shy, so I decided to present myself as confident.

I had realised that people found sarcasm quite funny – it hadn’t been intentional at first, but I realised that I made people laugh, so I kept trying it out. I found that I attracted people with my direct approach and dry humour. Sarcasm isn’t a particularly good form of wit, but it seemed to work! And when you’re 18 years old, it isn’t that important.

Many decades later, I have given up the sarcasm, but I am still known for my rather direct, pragmatic approach to life. I am often taken shopping with friends as they know that I will be honest with them when buying clothes. But only before they have bought something – never after. That is just tactless, not honest!

Nowadays, when I meet people for the first time, they say I come across as confident and intimidating, even. I have found the ‘intimidating’ description rather puzzling over the years, but I realise it is probably something to do with the fact that I still identify as shy! And this can mistakenly come across as aloof or rude, even, which can lead to the conflicting impression I give off.  

How do we learn or develop confidence over the years?

1. Practice, practice, practice

You can build confidence by making sure that you are prepared, whatever the situation is. 

If you are presenting, then make sure you know the content well and practice the presentation several times.

If you are going into a situation where you know no one, have a few opening sentences prepared which you can use when you meet someone. Be bold – go up to someone who is also alone and introduce yourself. They may appreciate that you dared to approach them first.

Fake it till you make it – try practising confident behaviours, even if you feel nervous. This doesn't mean changing who you are, but giving yourself opportunities to become more comfortable in unfamiliar situations.

2. Remember that many people experience self-doubt – you are not alone 

Keep telling yourself that, even the people you admire the most will suffer from self-doubt. They were not always successful and confident, and they will have had the same fears and doubts that you have now. Self-doubt is common, even among people who appear confident and successful

They may have experienced fears and uncertainties of their own. But they may know how to manage these doubts, or they may know how to work with them and use them to their advantage.

3. Body language 

The way we hold ourselves and communicate can influence how we feel and how others perceive us. Finding a posture and communication style that feels comfortable and natural may help you feel more at ease.

Easy tips:

• find a comfortable, upright stance
• make eye contact if it feels comfortable and natural for you
• try not to fold your arms and have an open posture 
• smile when it feels natural

Practise this at home.

If you come across as confident, your audience may feel more at ease and be more receptive to what you say.

4. First impressions do count

First impressions can influence how others respond to us, but appearing nervous doesn't necessarily mean we'll make a poor impression. Sometimes, the way we introduce ourselves or approach a situation can help put others at ease.

Recently, I went to an amateur gig where four bands performed. It was billed as their end-of-term show – we knew that they were not professional musicians, and this was something they all enjoyed. I personally find these kinds of events quite stressful, as you want everyone to do well, succeed and not embarrass themselves.

The one thing I noticed was that my first impression of each band influenced how I responded to their performance. If the lead singer spoke confidently, I found I didn't mind what their voice sounded like, as if they had already put you at ease and allowed you to enjoy the performance even if it wasn’t perfect. For those who opened with a shaky, nervous voice, presenting the band, it made me feel tense, and the feeling lingered.

This experience reminded me that how we present ourselves can influence first impressions, although confidence is only one part of how others perceive us.

5. What happens when it goes wrong?

Occasionally, even after you’ve worked hard to build up your confidence, you might find that something will happen which will knock it. Someone might be critical of you, you might receive a bad review for your work, or you might overhear someone talking negatively about your performance.

Whatever it is, remember that you might take one step backwards, but you have to remind yourself of what you have achieved.

Give yourself time to process what has happened and remember that one difficult experience doesn't erase the progress you've already made. Confidence can fluctuate, and setbacks can be opportunities to reflect, learn and move forward at your own pace.

So, what does confidence mean to me?

To me, confidence means that I am able to move forward in my life in the way that I choose. I try not to listen to too much negative noise that goes on around me. I concentrate on doing things that I enjoy and that make me feel good, even if I am not that good at them!  

Confidence also means being able to say when you don’t know the answer to a question, asking for help when you need it and admitting when you are struggling.

Confidence also means accepting that you might not be the loudest person in the room, the funniest, the most attractive, but that the people around you like you for the person you are.  

Go on, try it out!