We just want you to feel happy

When asked the question, “What is it that you most want for your child?”, most parents I have spoken to have said something along the lines of, “I just want them to feel happy within themselves.”

Naturally, parents want their child to feel good about who they are, but for adolescents this can seem like an extremely hard task. The internet and social media age hasn’t made this any easier. Young people may regularly see carefully selected or edited snapshots of “the perfect life”, which can contribute to pressure around how they should look and who they should be. Combine this with a young person’s tendency to compare themselves with others while developing their sense of self, and it would seem that adolescents today need support with their self-esteem more than ever.

Self-esteem can be described as having confidence in one’s own worth or abilities. Essentially, it’s having a healthy level of self-respect. Someone I know who has experienced an eating disorder said to me, “Self-esteem and body image are one and the same. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you won’t like what you see in the mirror.” While self-esteem and body image are closely connected, they are not the same, and each person’s experience will be different.

So how can parents and other adults work towards that shared goal of helping young people feel good about themselves? Can we help them develop an acceptance of themselves as they are? To see a body that they respect and accept as their own, no matter its shape or size? Let’s start by breaking it down into three areas: education, building resilience and positive reinforcement.

Education can be a valuable tool in helping young people build self-esteem and confidence. We could be doing much more to educate young people about how to take a step back and think differently about the images and language they see online and in the media. Talk them through how what they are seeing may not represent someone’s complete reality. Some content may be carefully curated, edited, sponsored or designed to sell a particular product or look by making people feel that they need to improve themselves.

In a recent workshop with a group of young women on the subject of body image, I got them to go through a magazine, their social media feed would have worked just as well, and asked them to remove any page with an advert. They were left with only a few.

“What does this show you?” I asked.

“That I need all this stuff in order to be happy,” one responded.

“And how does this make you feel?”

“Sad.”

Alongside this education, young people can start to see that resilience may play an important role in how they navigate challenges and create a happy and successful life, as defined by them. In her book Supernormal, psychologist Meg Jay describes resilience not as a fixed trait that someone simply acquires, but as something that can develop and be expressed over time.

Part of being resilient can involve developing a more constructive attitude towards setbacks. Don’t highlight or condemn what you see as their “failures”. Instead, help them see that failure is not final or defining, but can be part of learning. The process of making mistakes, discussing what they can do next and not automatically passing blame to others may help them develop responsibility, self-belief and confidence. Find out what inspires them and use this in simple goal-setting exercises. I’ve witnessed the difference this can make, and it’s quite something to behold.

This is where the challenge comes in for us as adults: we must see past our own expectations of what we think the young person “ought to be” and see the person they are at that point in time, and most importantly respect them for that. A sign I saw on the entrance to a field nicely summarises this point: “Please do not feed our horses; your kindness may kill.”

It can be hard for a young person to understand that some comments come from a place of love, and they may interpret them differently. “It’s good to see you’re finally exercising,” may be interpreted as, “You need to lose weight.”

We must talk to young people in a way that highlights their positive qualities and attributes. Help them understand what makes them special and individual, and to let go of what they do not have or who they aren’t. This can give them the space, time and confidence to concentrate on who they really are.

Show them that, in a world where everybody else is taken, being yourself is exceptional.

If you are concerned about a young person’s eating, body image or emotional well-being, seek advice from their GP or another appropriately qualified healthcare professional.