The real secret to building lasting confidence

Do you feel like confidence comes easily to other people and not you? Maybe you’re fed up with knowing you’re holding yourself back because that confidence just isn’t there. One of the main reasons we tend to be low on confidence is that we’ve often got the wrong end of the stick where confidence is concerned. So, before you put any more effort into trying to be more confident, read this.

What confidence really means

One of the big misconceptions about confidence is that it comes with volume. But the loudest person in the room is rarely the most confident. Sometimes we can trip ourselves up trying to copy what we think confidence looks like on the outside, when the attention should be on how we feel inside instead.

Confidence comes from trusting yourself (the Latin root of ‘confidence’ is ‘con-fidere’, which means “to trust completely”). Confident people don’t really pay attention to how they are coming across because their focus is on how they feel, rather than what other people might be thinking. That shift in focus is what you need if confidence is your goal.

Why confidence isn’t about always being strong

There is this perception that if someone is confident, then they can handle everything and anything without breaking a sweat. But, to be honest, one big difference between someone confident and someone who is not is that the confident person knows how to say 'no' to what isn’t going to work for them – and has the boldness to ask for what is. As a result, they don’t end up in situations where they feel overwhelmed, overwrought and afraid.

If they’re dating, for example, they’re not agreeing to things they know won’t work for them – and they’re not going to be swayed by “what other people do” or what they think is expected. Instead, they’re going to do it in a way that works for them, in an environment that allows them to be themselves, and on their own terms. Maybe that’s a short nature walk and a coffee, rather than committing to a whole evening of dinner and drinks. The point is that part of being confident is knowing yourself well enough to understand what works for you – and then taking action to ensure your experiences honour that. Rather than just ignoring your needs and expecting to still feel great.

The role of self-talk in building confidence

Do you trust people who say horrible things to you? No. So, you won’t trust yourself if you have a harsh inner narrative that is constantly criticising you, pointing out your faults, predicting the worst and telling you to give up. And, as we’ve established, if you don’t trust yourself, then the basis for confidence will never be there.

A lot of people try to force themselves to behave in a confident way without changing their inner narrative first. This is exhausting and makes confidence feel like a struggle and effort. If you start with the inner narrative – switching it from self-critical to self-compassionate (which is kindness and action) – then confidence starts to feel effortless. Yes, confidence can be effortless. Most of us who struggle are just making it hard without realising.

A mindset shift for lasting confidence

Stop seeing yourself as someone who isn’t confident. Our realities are defined by what we believe, and confidence will forever be out of reach if you continue to believe that it is. 

If you’re thinking “I’m just not a confident person”, please note this: You don’t have to earn confidence, or deserve it, and it’s not something that only a certain type of person has. You can find your confidence when you’re broke, lonely, in a body you’re not happy with, unhappy at work or if you had a destabilising, hard childhood. None of those things needs to stop you from feeling confident. It’s available to anyone who wants it.

Confidence is a practice, not a personality trait. It builds when you do and think the things that create self-trust in you. The only difference between someone who is confident and you is that they’ve learned those things earlier in life, and you haven’t, yet. But maybe it’s time you did...

Working with a life coach can support you to build and strengthen self-trust, shift unhelpful narratives, and build confidence that lasts.