The invisible man

When your relationship no longer feels like home, you enter a state of disconnection. I get it. It started with sunshine and flowers. You found your perfect partner, moved in, maybe got married, and had some children, and now a few years later the sunshine and flowers are long gone.

Perhaps you feel increasingly unvalued within the family, there to drive the car and pay the bills. Maybe you feel like you’re living with a stranger, someone who is so familiar and beloved but sometimes feels as if you hardly know them anymore.

You are craving connection but intimacy seems to have disappeared along with the smiles, hugs and “how was your day”s. You feel everything you do is wrong, but no one is explaining the rules to you. All you know is that you feel like a continual disappointment.

And maybe you’re wondering if there is something better out there, someone who might love you as you are and not as they want you to be. Someone to reignite that initial spark.

But leaving feels like a big step with massive repercussions for you, your family, your home and even your finances.

Every day I work with men to help them navigate their relationships and this story is so common. You are playing to a rule book that no one has explained, and so, you feel doomed to always be doing the ‘wrong’ thing. You want things to feel simple, to be simple and yet you are trapped in a state of conflict or, what is often worse, perpetual stony silence.

So how do you become visible again? How do you get that spark back and reconnect on a deeper and more lasting level? Read on to discover five ways you can show your affection and how to tell which one is landing with your partner, there is even a secret weapon to kick-start connection!

Putting in the work

All relationships require work and the first question you need to answer is whether you are willing to put in that effort. If you are, I have some great tips to help you put the work into the right spots in the relationship. Perhaps you are thinking "What’s the point in me putting the effort in when it is not matched?"

My guess is that this is because you have been putting effort into the wrong areas in your relationship. And that can be frustrating for everyone. You are left feeling unappreciated and your partner is left feeling unloved. So what’s going wrong?

Common pitfalls

Many men put effort into a relationship using four main approaches:

• Sporadic gift-giving with an expectation that this will smooth over long-standing issues.
• Saying the right thing but not necessarily following it up with the promised actions or changes to behaviour.
• ‘Love bombing’ their partner or fluctuating and inconsistent attention, often as a prelude to an expectation of sexual intimacy.
• Doing chores around the house, quietly hoping to receive recognition for their hard work and effort.

Do any of these sound like you? Maybe you have used all these approaches before and ended up confused and frustrated about why they are not hitting home with your partner. God knows you love them, but why is it so hard to communicate with them?

How to get it right

So here are some suggestions to try out in your relationship:

1. Giving a small gift or token that shows you were thinking of them. This doesn’t have to be expensive but needs to show thought and intention. No garage flowers allowed!
2. Sit them down and tell them all the things you love about them, or if this feels too hard, ask them questions about themselves and how they’re feeling and doing, sit quietly and listen without problem-solving and with empathy (more on this later!).
3. Hug them or even hold their hand. If there is a sense of reciprocation, share some gentle physical intimacy without an expectation of it leading to sex.
4. Organise some time together, whether it’s taking a flask of tea to the park together or going on a date night. If time out of the house is hard to manage, make time to sit together and talk without distractions like phones or the TV.
5. If there are things that your partner does around the house that you know they find annoying or tiresome, voluntarily do these before them. Don’t forget that these helping acts are invariably invalidated if you wait for your partner to ask you to do them or if you ask for directions on how to do them. Have a go without them having to ask you first and be prepared for this to be a learning curve. It’s okay to try and not be perfect the first time around.

Finding out if it is working

Your partner is unique, so some of these things will be more popular than others. But trying them all out gives you important information to find out what works, pay close attention to your partner and their responses. Ask yourself these questions:

• Do some of these things seem to be appreciated more than the others?
• Have some of these approaches historically landed well with your partner?
• When do you see and sense ‘softening’ or increased connection and what came before it?
• In what ways does your partner show their love to you? Do they use any of these approaches to enhance their connection with you?

Understanding what works for them is a vital step to make sure you are putting your effort into the right channels. Otherwise, you are wasting your time putting out the bins if they want you to give them a hug or ask them how they are feeling. To ensure you feel heard and are heard, you need to understand each other's love language.

Your secret weapon

There is one key element to your relationship that must be present in order for connection and intimacy to thrive. And this is empathy.

Empathy is often seen as a ‘dark art’, that feels impossible to achieve. Many people aren’t sure what it is or how it actually looks in practice. So let me demystify it for you and then you can start deploying this secret weapon into your relationship.

Empathy is this: Showing that you are trying to understand your partner’s feelings.

That’s it. Nothing mystical. All you have to do is show that you are trying to understand what they feel.

What does this look like in practice? Here are some key things to remember:

• You need to do this out loud. The first step is to engage verbally by guessing what your partner could be feeling. For example. “It sounds like you’re maybe feeling …” or “Is it that you’re feeling …”
• Remember, we are talking about feelings here, not thoughts. If you guess something like: “I wonder if you are feeling that I don’t do enough around the house” – this is a thought. Instead, try: “I wonder if you are feeling frustrated and disconnected right now”.
• The emphasis is on trying. It is okay to guess your partner’s feelings and get them wrong. Trust me, you will be corrected! Don’t take this personally. It’s vital data gathering.
• If you are not great at guessing emotions (this is a skill and with practice you will get better, honest!), then use an Emotion Wheel. Have it on your desk and practice identifying your feelings with it. Then, when it comes to guessing your partner’s, you will have some practice at doing it.

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Moving forward

Relationships are like cars. They require maintenance and attention, but it matters that you do the right maintenance. Putting diesel in your petrol car is definitely not going to maintain the engine. Similarly, in relationships, you need to make sure you are both tuned into the right radio channels so your efforts are seen and appreciated.

And don’t forget, you are in a relationship for a reason. So give it a go. One last push at making a change and if you continue to struggle, consider working with a relationship coach to make a plan for change together. Good luck and may the force be with you!