The grief of having a child with narcissistic traits

The confusion around this is absolutely shocking. Often this is because, as mothers, quite understandably, we do not want to do the math on the traits that begin to add up and point towards the spectrum of narcissism. It is quite possible that there might be traits and characteristics that exist in NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) without the disorder being there. But if there are enough of the traits and characteristics present, their ill effect still applies, and causes a heartbreaking melange of distorted self worth and self doubt, that becomes innate, belittlement, fear, hopelessness, consummate sadness and the kind of maternal resignation that feels entirely unnatural within the realm of what motherhood is intended to be. Your cry will be “How did l ever end up here!?” 

The grief is persistent, long-term term and soul-destroying. Until awareness comes to the rescue from the perpetual mire of the cruel comments and accusations. 

This is because, as a parent, every instinct you have is to nurture, love and protect your child. This does not end when they become adults either, because the relationship a parent has with their child is symbiotic, and the symbiosis does not end with the cutting of the umbilical cord, but is emotionally everlasting.

If you seek advice from friends and family, and even your other children, they will mostly tell you to accept and overlook it for the sake of peace. “Life is too short”, you will be told, and indeed, part of you will also believe this, too. Because it is true, and one way of looking at things. But this is not “sweating the small stuff”, this is something entirely different.

What if the cycle of abuse ebbs and flows in continuation to where you have understandably denied the thought that this is what it was, and although there might even be periods of love and calm and harmony, somehow deep inside you, a part of you will know that something is wrong, and that if you ask them anything that they consider to be controversial (and what l mean by this is something that is not considered to be in their interest), then what will ensue will likely be abuse, and manipulative in the sense that it will be you who will be the person causing any problem and that their reaction to it will be absolutely justified and you will up to a point also believe their corrupt narrative.

You are a resource. Awful, I know, even to whisper to yourself or to contemplate.

Do not think that if there are no bruises, there is no damage.

There is damage in the ongoing experience of being demeaned, and where communication of the normal kind does not exist. There in the chaos of not knowing why or understanding their behaviour because it goes against all that frankly is decent, often the exchange with them is irreprehensible. It is in this chaos that so much damage can occur, and work to do to recover on so many levels. The chaos is what exists in this relationship. Your emotional chaos, familial chaos and this chaos is what turns out to be their psychological oxygen. 

This is where stillness can be brought in.

If we can begin to accept that negotiation is not possible with someone like this, that is a fine beginning to healing through our own change.

It is an entirely pointless thing to think about talking “it through” with a person who is a narcissist or a person who has their traits. That is neither their goal nor their interest, but for them, any reaction you will display will be their psychological oxygen. The reaction offered by you and felt by them will only prove to continue the cycle of abuse.

And please let us use this word, abuse, because psychologically, if we don’t put words around it, we are still living in the mist of what it might be.

It is abuse.

It isn’t about arrogance or something that occurs every now and again, and believing this will only be a shield around accepting that it is and actually has always been unbearable. Unconditional love will not change this, even though it is, as a parent, a completely natural belief and what is hoped for.

Something just for you will be rare, wonderful, but rare, mostly because they are present in what is transactional rather than emotional. And theirs by right. Kind of like “the divine right of Kings”. Theirs for the taking.

They also need to be seen as flawless; appearances are hugely important to them, and how they are seen. They cannot appear to be “in the wrong” or “out of order”. So, how is there any hope of them entertaining causation, or understanding, or empathy? Everything is about how it is to them. No discussion needed. This is a form of black and white thinking and the fundamental roots of dictatorship. 

Do not expect this to be obvious in front of others, because they are are brilliant at charm, and faux love and care and seeming utterly reasonable, or look like the victim, but it will be in private that it will be entirely another version of them you are presented with, and odds are not many will believe you if they have not seen or felt this side of them and their impact. Whatever will have gone wrong in their lives will, in their eyes, be your fault.

Unkind comments, insults and punishment

These are excruciating. If you don’t comply, my guess will be that you have been subjected to this kind of heartbreaking experience, where your own child will say things to you that are unimaginably hurtful. This is bad enough when you are in a supportive relationship yourself, but somehow has even more impact when you are alone, and even that will be used by them as an example of how and why you are not deserving of love and support.

Maybe this will, deep down inside of you, if you have issues of your own low self-worth, feel like terrible truths and if you have been subject to this kind of response from them over a period of time, for years, probably your sense of self and your value and true self-esteem will be injured. You might even believe it is beyond repair.

It isn’t.

There is no fair play, this is a game. By them, it will feel deserved, it will be what you owe them. 

There will be no reasoning here. It will always be everyone else’s fault. 

Your emotional state, your struggles, will be totally disregarded, belittled and invalidated.

So, what to do, what helps?

Before l go into this, please let me acknowledge that the pain you will be feeling, the grief, will be utterly heartbreaking and even the anger and sense of injustice and its iniquity will feel entirely unnatural to you. You will also be feeling guilty for feeling this and guilty for how you find them at fault even for hurting you, and you will also feel angry if others who are supposed to love you continue to love them and downplay the impact their behaviour has on you. This person hurting you is your child, it is almost something that feels like it is so unimaginable it is sickening to your stomach, as are all the realisations you are beginning to see.

You’re their mother.

This is the most exclusive, irreplaceable relationship in the world, where love in its purest, unconditional form is supposed to exist.

Especially when others’ “take“ on the situation doesn’t go along with yours, maybe though their “acceptance” of the perpetual status quo is all they can manage, and they are less sentimental or sensitive than you. Here, someone who is more dismissive will be better off. But if you are the mother of this adult child, the impact of their treatment will be far worse, and less easy to philosophise about. Let alone overlook. Or survive.

Firstly, please try and find other ways of finding things that make you happy.

They can, and they will.

When the constant sting of hurtful remarks fades because of time.

Invest in other healthier relationships that enrich you, and if you have another child, enjoy the joy and warmth and belonging of this with them without guilt, so that you do not feel the same about your other child who treats you badly. Try not to triangulate by involving your other child or children; they too will be hurt and affected by the way their sibling is behaving – you are their parent, too, after all, and special and precious and irreplaceable to them, and they love you.

Address the guilt you feel and all the hurt with a therapist who is wise to this kind of relationship dynamic. It is really important to receive support for what you are going through. It is a terrible loss, and the grief can sometimes be felt as unbearable. It is an entirely normal response.

Don’t feel ashamed of having it. Or like there is something wrong with you. There isn’t, this is terrible grief.

Silence and the irrelevance it creates 

Sadly, the best way to deal with this is through your silence. 

• No explaining
• No information
• No pleading
• No accepting
• No contact

These are the reasons why:

Having access to your emotions and your version of “the story”, your narrative, will be playing into their hands, because whatever your truth, your pain, your struggle, or vulnerability is, they will twist and make it and you irrelevant, and it is what they thrive on. It is called in many therapeutic circles “supply.” Personally, l don’t like that word, but let me just say they will somehow be the victim in every story and you will be to blame, always. So, it is far better for you to withdraw.

Irrelevance is what narcissists and those with their traits fear the most. This is because it takes away the control they thrive on, and it is the only card you have to take away their power over you and give them the opportunity to experience the unequivocal impact of consequence.

At first, like with all leaving, there is grieving, and it can be truly awful and feel really dark and really sad.

Better to walk through the storm of it than bypass it.

Your healing will be on the other side of the walking through it.

It will pass.

What will replace it will be peace. 

You can continue to love from a distance, and of course, pray and hope things will change. 

But as the abuse and awful exchanges lessen, you will once more begin to surface and regain lost and injured parts of yourself. 

This boundary, through your silence, speaks far louder than any argument or insistence that they “see” or understand. It allows consequences to exist that they cannot deny or manipulate. You are no longer engaging with them, or seeing them, or accepting their unacceptable behaviour. They will not know what you are thinking, and their control is over. You have let go of the other side of the rope and walked away.

For you, more importantly, it will give you the time and space for healing, for understanding your part in it. And you will have a part in it. I am not talking about blame here, but moreover, causation. Awareness and understanding allows for clarity to exist. To exist in your head, in your heart. 

Your love for your child will not end, even sometimes when you want it to. There is comfort in that and something pure that you can hold close to your heart.

Maybe when you have done enough work on yourself, and how to truly employ boundaries that are not corrupted by manipulation or fear or by guilt, you will be whole enough once more to be able to see them and be unaffected. 

This takes time, but when you are in a better place because of your own healing, it can be something that is hoped for.

Please reach out for help, investigate all you can and share if you can with others whose knowledge is of value and sharing with those who understand both personally and professionally helps enormously. I have written many articles published on the dynamics of this, which you can read and explore through awareness. There is also a lot of other information and help out there, too.

Sadly, it is a very current issue, but being a parent in this awful exchange is less written about, and information is so needed for healing to take place, hopefully on both sides.

If you consider seeking the help of a therapist, please ensure that the therapist has a deep understanding of this particular dynamic – it is a specialist field and is not covered by all therapists.