How to learn from difficult conversations

You probably know the situation. An interaction, however well-intended, completely flopped. And you might well have played a good, solid part in it, leaving you feeling angry, confused or hurt. As you walk away, you wonder what happened, and how to bounce back without losing too much sleep.

This is a fairly common situation.

Here are some useful steps (that work for yourself or when you help other people debrief a situation, for example, your team members).

Reflect on your own needs

Ask yourself:

• What part of me did that?
• What did that part need?
• Did I voice that in any way?
• Did I get that need met?
• What else can I do to address at least some of that need right now?

Consider the other person's perspective

If you can at this moment, try to step into the other person's shoes.

Ask yourself:

• What part of them might have been involved?
• What might that part have needed?
• Did they get their needs met?
• What are possible ways for us to reconnect and pick this up again in a more constructive way?

Looking beneath the surface

We often don't talk about what we really need (and are not fully conscious of this ourselves). No wonder we are often frustrated and conversations can derail.

Especially in a business environment, people don't always talk about the layers of needs going on at the same time, and conversations often stay superficial. As a result, both sides can leave feeling unfulfilled, needs remain unmet, and frustration can start spiralling.

So, as you think about your next difficult conversation, start thinking about needs and how to address them. And if you're feeling brave, you might even introduce this idea into the conversation itself.