People say they need confidence but this is what they really need

When clients come to me feeling stuck, whether they’re unsure about their career, doubting their abilities, or simply lost in a sea of possibilities, the word they often long for is confidence. They want to feel certain. Capable. Ready. Whether that's at work or in a relationship, or around any big decision.

But... in all my experience, it's not necessarily confidence that they need. Rather, it's courage. We all sort of assume that we need to feel confident before we take action. And it makes sense, we need to have a reason, a logic and a reasonable amount of self-trust that things will work out how we want them to. We want to know that our decision is the "right" one.

Sometimes there isn't a right decision, though. Sometimes we can't be confident in the outcome of our decision, but rather that we will be OK regardless of the outcome of the decision. 

Clients come to me and tell me if "I believe in myself, then I'll be able to..." apply for the job, speak up in the meeting, leave the safe-but-unfulfilling role, or pursue the calling that keeps whispering in the background. However, when we're making a change, we're doing something different; it's just that it's uncertain. This then leads people to not take action. 

You see, confidence is the result of taking action, not the requirement for it. Of course, it's all very well me saying this. It doesn't really solve the problem that clients come to me with, and that's "how do they take action", and this is where the secret ingredient is – courage.

The difference between courage and confidence

Courage is about action in the presence of fear. Confidence is about familiarity, safety, and trust in your ability. There's an element of certainty with confidence, but change is, by definition, uncertain. The reason so many people get stuck is because they wait for confidence. The beginning of any meaningful transformation, whether it’s a career pivot, stepping into leadership, or starting a new chapter, feels shaky. And that shakiness isn’t a problem. It’s a sign you’re doing something real.

Courage doesn’t eliminate fear. It allows you to coexist with fear while still moving forward.

In psychological terms, courage is often defined as the willingness to act in spite of fear, risk, or uncertainty. According to psychologist Cynthia Pury, courage involves facing “perceived personal risk in pursuit of a worthy goal.” It is context-sensitive, goal-directed, and often involves internal conflict. That conflict is what makes courage meaningful.

Feeling stuck isn’t a character flaw

When we feel stuck, we often blame ourselves. “I should be further ahead.” “Why can’t I just decide?” “Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.” People get frustrated and angry that they "can't just do it", but feeling stuck is rarely about laziness or lack of potential. More often, it’s a sign that we’re standing on the edge of something important. Stuckness is often a signal that a new chapter wants to emerge, but our nervous system hasn’t yet caught up.

From a neuroscience perspective, this makes sense. The brain’s default is to protect us from risk and discomfort. When we consider change, our amygdala activates, flagging potential threats. We experience this as anxiety, avoidance, or overthinking. The antidote isn’t more information. It’s safe, supported exposure to the thing we fear. In coaching, that often means breaking the change into small, tolerable steps. Psychologist Albert Bandura called this “graded exposure,” a method for gradually building psychological flexibility and resilience.

What we need in those moments is not a miraculous burst of confidence but rather permission to act in uncertainty. Confidence built through performance relies on proof. Courage comes before the proof exists. It is an act of self-leadership that says, “I will move forward even without guarantees.”

Courage means doing before you feel ready

I’ve coached over 200 people, many of them high achievers who are used to succeeding in structured environments. They’ve learned how to perform, achieve, and adapt. But when it comes to making choices that are personally meaningful, choices that require them to set the direction rather than follow it, they freeze.

Confidence may come after the job interview, the new role, or the tough conversation, but courage is what gets you to the door.

The career link: Why this matters now

So many professionals find themselves at a crossroads. They feel burnt out in a career that no longer fits. They may be unsure whether to retrain or take a sabbatical. They feel drawn to something more meaningful, but afraid of what they might lose. People are told to "just believe in themselves", but belief isn’t enough. What they really need is clarity on what they want, permission to be uncertain, and tools to act anyway.

Courage doesn’t always look like bold, dramatic action. It can look like a quiet decision to stop proving yourself in a job you’ve outgrown. It can look like telling the truth in a coaching session. It can look like rewriting your CV to reflect who you really are rather than what others expect you to be.

Confidence builds through repetition and reflection

Confidence does come, but it comes after the leap, not before. Every time you act with courage, you give yourself data. You begin to see that you can handle discomfort, try things before you feel ready, and survive failure without falling apart.

Confidence is cumulative. It is built on moments of courage followed by reflection. This is where coaching can be powerful. Not just in planning the action, but in metabolising the experience afterwards so your nervous system learns that you did something hard and you’re still here.

If you’re reading this and feeling like you’re waiting for confidence, ask yourself: What would change if you gave yourself permission to act without it?

What if you stopped waiting to feel ready and chose instead to be brave? Not reckless. Not all-or-nothing but brave in the small, consistent ways that build the future you actually want.