Letting go of guilt

Lou sat nervously in her first coaching session. She’d never been to a life coach before but felt she was so stuck she had to do something. Lou had separated from her partner two years earlier; however, she was so wracked with guilt that she hadn’t moved out of the house, filed the final divorce papers or allowed herself to see anyone else.

It was obvious Lou still cared about her ex, and the separation was amicable. But it was also true that there was no longer any desire from either party to rekindle their relationship, in the romantic sense.

When she recounted the day they split, Lou said that, regrettably, her husband found out she had had a brief affair, and this was the catalyst for the break-up. It was clear she felt incredibly guilty about it and the fallout that followed. An understandable emotion at a very difficult time.

Lou felt that, because of this, the end of the marriage was all her fault. This had prevented her from moving on, instead keeping her stuck in the guilt of what she had done. Interestingly, though, as she spoke, it became more apparent that the problems in the relationship began much further back than her affair. Two or three years back, it would seem.

The pair had been high-school sweethearts, only 15 when they began seeing each other. They made it through university and got married shortly after.

Ten years later, there was no doubt that Lou and her husband were the best of friends. And there was the light bulb moment: the fact is, the two of them had changed so much from when they were younger. They had become best buddies, but the romantic side had fizzled out quite some time ago.

Their careers had taken different paths, with Lou’s husband regularly heading off to far-flung places for work, and both enjoying social time independently of one another. In a way, although they shared part of their lives together, they had almost become little more than flatmates.

Lou had been so involved in feeling bad about the situation that she had lost perspective on what had really gone on. By this point, their lives were quite separate, but Lou’s husband no longer held any animosity towards her for the affair.

Looking at it from a different angle, Lou realised that the affair may have been her way of crying for help, of causing an explosion which would make it impossible for the marriage to carry on. She couldn’t sit down and say she wanted to break up, so she behaved in a way that would cause them to break up regardless.

The life coach asked Lou what she wanted now. She said she wanted to move out, get on with her life and maybe find someone new. The coach asked her what she wanted for her husband. She said she wanted the same for him and believed he wanted to move on just as much as she did.

The coach then asked what was stopping her. Lou shook her head and looked at the floor.

“I just feel so guilty,” she said.

And what did that guilt prevent her from doing? she was asked.

Lou said it meant that she hadn’t filed the divorce papers, which meant they couldn’t split the house, which meant that neither of them could be financially independent of the other and move on.

What is the purpose of your guilt?

The life coach paused for a moment and said, “What is the purpose of your guilt?”

Lou looked up blankly. The coach repeated, “What exactly is the purpose of your guilt?”

After a few minutes of saying she didn’t know, she said, “Well, to keep me there.”

The coach asked her what keeping herself there was doing, and she said it was making her feel bad, like a kind of punishment.

The turning point came when Lou was asked how keeping herself there was of use to her partner. She said it wasn’t. In fact, it was stopping him from moving on, and for her it was much the same story. So by holding on to the guilt, and making herself feel bad, she was actually preventing them both from creating a happier future.

Happily, Lou realised that it was time to let go of the guilt and set both herself and her partner free to get on with their individual lives.

As life coaches, we see many people who feel guilty for all manner of things. Guilt can sometimes be a useful emotion if it encourages us to reflect, take responsibility or make amends. But when guilt keeps us stuck in self-punishment, it can become destructive.

Guilt may be sending us a message that we need to make amends for something we have said or done, in whatever way feels appropriate. Or it may be encouraging us to do something that we haven’t yet done, which will make a positive difference today.

We cannot change the past. At best, we can only help to change our perception of it. The past has gone; it is what we do today that will create tomorrow. Continuing to make ourselves feel bad about something may cause us to act in ways that are not helpful to ourselves or those around us.

If you feel you are holding on to guilt, either about something that happened in your life or something you feel you did, seeing a life coach can help you reflect on the past and create a more positive future for yourself and, importantly, for others too.