Is dating draining your confidence? How to overcome self-doubt

If you’ve been “in the trenches” of modern dating long enough, you’ll know how a lack of success on the relationship front can erode your confidence over time.

Let’s face it, modern dating is complicated. There are many reasons for this, from societal and economic factors to technology changing how and where we meet people. When your efforts keep ending in disappointment, it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture and start wondering: “Is it me?”

It’s hard not to take rejection personally because our brains are wired to react strongly to social exclusion. That’s one reason rejection can feel so painful. That said, we can try to reframe it and call it selection instead, since it's an inevitable part of the process, not a reflection on you.

Keep dating in perspective

Unless it's become a lifestyle for you (in which case you shouldn't be surprised you feel drained), dating is the process of selecting a potential life partner.

Whether you’re dating online or offline, at the beginning, your level of commitment is zero, or it should be. Even if you really like your new date and there are sparks flying, it’s too early to jump to conclusions and start picturing a happy relationship together.

If your brain takes you down that path, try to rein things in. An overly active imagination can create false hope and unrealistic expectations before you actually get to know the person. Sadly, this happens too often, and the result is, inevitably, frustration and, occasionally, a broken heart.

If your date didn’t select you on that occasion and chose to go their separate way or ghosted you, the worst thing you can do is start tormenting yourself with questions: “Why? What did I do wrong?”

It doesn’t really matter why. You can’t be everyone's taste, no matter how attractive, interesting, or funny you are. Many things have to align for two people to click: some are logical, and some aren't a conscious choice.

Perhaps you simply weren’t a good match, and your date worked it out before you did. In that case, they did you a favour by not taking it further instead of misleading you until someone more suitable comes along. You see, it’s not such a negative concept anymore.

Every “no” brings you one step closer to someone who will adore you for who you are and appreciate the very qualities someone else didn’t. The whole point of dating is finding the right match, not being liked by everyone.

Shift your focus

Let’s put other people aside for now and talk about you. Do you feel you’re carrying a lot of emotional baggage and unresolved feelings from past relationships? Are you ready to trust someone and care about them? Can you identify your relationship goals? Do you know your key life values?

When thinking about long-term compatibility, it can help to consider your attitudes toward work and career, money, family and children, religion or spirituality, health and fitness, and politics. Ideally, you want a partner who aligns with the things you are most passionate about.

Think about your ideal partner profile further:

• How important is education?
• How sociable do you need someone to be to feel comfortable?
• What do you need and what is optional?

Have you ever asked yourself all these questions? Either way, take some time to reflect and work out the answers.

Of course, all these points will help you prepare for a relationship and find the best match for you. However, there is also a positive side effect for your confidence: your focus shifts from “Will they like me?” to “Are we right for each other?”

Practise until it becomes second nature. Pause and reframe every time you catch yourself having a negative thought. It’s all part of personal development and, whether we like it or not, sometimes we have to take matters into our own hands.

Stop believing in myths

We’re influenced by the world around us from a young age, and we start picking up ideas and beliefs from books, films, family, religion, etc. By the time we reach dating age, most of us carry many myths and misconceptions about relationships and expectations about how things “should be”. It’s a direct path to frustration and a potential dent in your confidence.

Here are some common relationship myths to reconsider, and a healthier way to look at them:

There’s no right age to settle down

You don’t have to be married by a certain age, no matter what your parents might imply.

You don’t need an instant spark

There doesn’t have to be an instant spark; chemistry can develop over time as you get to know each other.

Conflict doesn’t always mean something is wrong

The best relationships aren’t free from conflict. Conflict can be good for flushing things out and isn't a sign of relationship trouble. It’s normal to disagree as long as you handle it respectfully and constructively.

Love can change over time

Passionate love is not the only kind of love there is. Passion has a physiological foundation and, to some degree, wears off in any relationship. It doesn’t mean things are deteriorating: your passionate love is evolving into companionate love.

Other relationships aren’t always what they seem

You aren’t really surrounded by blissfully happy couples, although sometimes it seems the world is conspiring against you when you’re feeling lonely and vulnerable. Most people have problems; some just keep up appearances.

“Should” is a tricky word, as it tends to disguise an expectation as a rule, and when things don’t go exactly as expected, frustration and self-doubt creep in.

Take matters into your own hands

I know it’s hard to think about anything else when you really want a relationship but keep experiencing disappointment. You can get there. Maybe not this month or this year – so be it. This thought can help motivate you and build confidence as you use this time to invest in yourself and your personal development.

You have more agency over your love life than you might think. Taking practical steps to build your confidence and understand what you want from a relationship can help you move forward with greater clarity. If you’re struggling with self-doubt around dating, coaching can offer support as you explore your goals, values and approach to relationships.