Can relationship coaching help you? 6 real-life examples

Whenever people ask me, “Who needs a dating coach? My grandparents met at a youth club and were married for over 50 years.” My answer usually is: “Your grandparents expected a lot less from a relationship than you do, and many people stayed together regardless of how happy or fulfilled they were.”

Modern dating is a whole different story. Fortunately, decades of research have given us a much better understanding of the principles behind attraction, compatibility and successful relationships. Love might appear unpredictable, not something you can actively manage, but you have more agency than you realise.

There's also a misguided belief that dating is something frivolous. That’s the reaction I sometimes get when I introduce myself as a relationship and dating coach. For most, dating is a route to something very important: a relationship, perhaps a future family and many generations to come.

The quality of our relationships is also closely linked to our overall wellbeing. So, learning how to date smarter and build a healthy relationship is anything but frivolous.

Here are 6 scenarios based on my experience with clients where dating coaching has made a real difference:

1. You're starting to date again after divorce or a long relationship

If you've spent years married, returning to dating feels like entering a completely different world. You may be experiencing everything from grief, anger and anxiety to relief and excitement.

Even if you're keen to move forward, don't underestimate the effect unresolved emotional baggage can have on what happens next. Wanting a relationship is not the same as being ready for one. 

Coaching can help you look at what you're carrying forward, what you've learned and what you need to leave behind. For example, a man in his 50s came to me because he "couldn't fall in love" or find anyone right. We uncovered that he was carrying a great deal of guilt about the breakdown of his long marriage. Although ending it had been the right decision, that emotional burden coloured every new experience.

Once we'd worked through that, we reviewed his values, clarified what he wanted and developed a healthier, more purposeful approach to dating. He's now seeing someone he says he cares deeply about. 

2. You can't get over your ex

You know the relationship wasn't right for you, but you just can't seem to let go. A message from your ex can completely derail you, sending you spiralling and straight back into the same old cycle, like a relationship yo-yo. When you meet new people, nobody seems to compare.

This is not unusual. You can't simply click your fingers and reset your neurocircuitry because a relationship has ended. Studies using fMRI scans show that the brain of someone who has experienced heartbreak looks remarkably similar to that of someone going through drug withdrawal.*

I've worked with quite a few clients who genuinely believed they would never feel excited about love again. With the help of the relevant science-based strategies, they have gone on to rebuild their lives and start happy and healthy new relationships.

3. Rejection has made you question your attractiveness

If you've been single for a while or experienced rejection, you may be wondering whether you'll ever find someone who wants to be with you. Every unsuccessful date can reinforce the self-sabotaging belief that something must be wrong with you. That belief is often the bigger challenge.

Attraction is more complex than appearance or confidence alone. Dating coaching can help you explore what's really getting in your way and become a more authentic and confident version of yourself rather than trying to fit someone else's idea of what is attractive.

One male client in his early 30s was naturally shy when we started working together, and he is still relatively shy today. We didn't try to change his personality (which is impossible anyway) and turn him into an outgoing extrovert. Confidence has many forms.

Instead, we focused on recognising his strengths, understanding what he wanted in a partner and helping him believe in his own value. It took time, but today he is engaged to a woman who is his best friend.

4. You're stuck on the hamster wheel of dating

Perhaps attracting people isn't your challenge: you get a lot of attention and dates, yet nobody seems quite right, or you keep investing your time in people who turn out to be dead ends.

There can be many reasons for this. You may be overlooking potentially compatible people. Your expectations may be rooted in love myths and misconceptions. Your attachment style may be one reason you push people away, but it doesn't have to dictate how you live.

Instead of simply trying to generate more dates, it can be more useful to examine your patterns of attraction and partner selection. What qualities are you prioritising, and do they actually predict the kind of relationship you want?

One former client was surprised to discover that her dopamine-driven personality contributed to her losing interest in every relationship after a while. She also realised she had expectations she'd never discussed with her new partner but was frustrated when he didn't meet them.

The aim isn't to persuade you to “settle”. It's to become better at understanding what is genuinely important for long-term compatibility.

5. Your relationship is going nowhere

Your friends are telling you to “dump them”, while your heart is telling you to stay. You're sort of together, but it feels more like asituationship. A lack of commitment and clarity leaves you wondering where you stand.

That uncertainty shouldn't automatically be dismissed as you being needy. Consistency, availability, responsiveness, reliability and predictability (in the healthy, not boring, sense) are fundamental characteristics of a secure relationship. Their absence can take a real toll on your wellbeing.** Look at the relationship objectively. Are your goals and values aligned? Can you work on the issues together, or are you hoping they will eventually become a different person?

Relationship science can help us recognise when someone isn't fully invested, even if they say otherwise. We can communicate and reason, but can't make someone commit if they don't want to.

One of my clients was investing in a lovely but emotionally unavailable man who openly admitted he wasn't ready for commitment. Once she stopped trying to convert him and listened to what he was telling her, she ended it, went travelling and later returned to dating. Today, she's engaged to “the love of her life”, as she put it.

6. Nothing is wrong – you simply want to make better decisions

You want to meet the right person, perhaps marry and start a family, but you don't want to waste time or make a costly mistake. This is perhaps the most overlooked reason to seek guidance, and the best time to start! Prevention is always better than cure. Too often, people wait until they're exhausted by dating or have had their heart broken.

A proactive approach can help you understand your patterns before they cause pain, make better dating decisions, communicate your goals and needs without sounding pushy and understand what contributes to a happy, secure relationship.

Interestingly, in all my time coaching, only one person ever came to me completely proactively. She said: “There's nothing wrong. I just want to get married within a year.”  The only challenge was the timeframe. 

Is dating coaching worth it?

Perhaps a better question is: how much does your happiness mean to you? Studies find that happy relationships can support health, wellbeing and resilience. Conversely, research has linked unhappy relationships with poorer mental and physical health: "It can increase your chances of becoming ill by 35%. Negative relationships cause greater physical wear and tear on the body." ***

Understanding the science behind love is like shining a light under the bed. Once you see there were never any monsters there, some of the fear and uncertainty begin to disappear.

If you're a die-hard romantic, don't worry – understanding relationship science doesn't replace romance. It helps your heart and your head work together, because love alone is not always enough.

Happy long-term relationships are built through conscious choices. Falling in love is the easiest part; building a secure, lasting relationship is a different matter. It requires greater self-awareness, wiser partner selection, knowledge and effort. 

If there's one thing I hope you take away from this article, it's that you have more agency over your love life than you realise. Whatever your situation is, you don't have to leave one of the most important areas of your life entirely to chance.

References

* Dr Helen Fisher, "Anatomy of Love"

** Amir Levine, MD, "Secure"

*** Dr Terri Orbuch, "Finding Love Again"