How good are you at telepathy and mind reading at work?

If managers could read minds, difficult conversations at work would be much easier. We’d know when someone was confused, upset, underperforming or quietly frustrated. But we can’t, and yet so often we behave as if hints, assumptions and “they must know what I mean” are enough.

In my coaching work with managers, I often ask, “Have you actually discussed this with them?” The answer is usually, “Not in so many words,” or “I’ve hinted at it, but I didn’t want to make things worse.”

That’s where the problems begin. When we avoid clear conversations, we leave people guessing, and small issues can grow into much bigger ones.

What stops us from communicating openly?

We so often fear those “difficult” conversations going wrong that we leave things unsaid. Often, this continues until they lead to bigger issues, bigger performance management conversations or even disciplinary conversations.

But what do we fear?

• Upsetting or offending the other person.
• The person getting angry or taking things the wrong way. In some organisations, staff may be quick to put in grievances when a manager is trying to manage their performance. And if nobody in the past has discussed it with them, it can come as a shock to suddenly get some feedback.
• Undermining or ruining a good working relationship.
• Making a bad situation worse.

When have you been too frightened to have that “difficult” conversation with someone? When have you been left wondering what someone is really trying to tell you?

“Each person’s life is lived by a series of conversations.”

Deborah Tannen

Having those “difficult” conversations

One of my guiding principles is “practising what I preach”, which can make for tough going sometimes, as I feel I cannot run away from issues.

Recently, working with a new colleague, I started to feel something was not quite right. Something in their behaviour towards me, the tone of a couple of emails and even the odd phrase meant that I was concerned something was going wrong.

I did ponder what to do for some time and then wrote him an email. We work remotely and were both very busy. I shared my concerns and said overtly that, if I had upset him, I’d like to know, and asked whether we needed to speak.

A week later, the reply was, “No, everything is fine,” but a paragraph in his email about the project made me think it still wasn’t really fine.

I was concerned not to lose this new colleague, and I thought we had rapport, so I decided that, whatever the outcome, I needed to pursue this. We had a video call about a client which went well, and I decided to bring this up again. I asked, “Are things really OK?”

At that point, he brought up two points which, without being a mind reader, I would never have known. We discussed it adult to adult, and I said, please, in future, do discuss any concerns with me. I am always happy to speak.

This experience, along with coaching a CEO and having a conversation about one of her director’s behaviour, and how she might be falling into the trap of trying to mind-read what was actually going on, made me think this would be a good topic. It happens more often than we might realise.

“Often we go through an entire conversation, or indeed an entire relationship, without ever realising that each of us is paying attention to different things, that our views are based on different information.”

Douglas Stone

How do you know you are mind reading?

This might sound like a ridiculous question to ask, as surely we know. However, it is so easy to get caught up in our own thinking that we do not realise when we are either projecting our own stuff onto someone else or misinterpreting someone’s behaviour, what they say or even their facial expressions.

Ask yourself the following. How do you react when:

• Someone frowns in a meeting? Do you assume they disagree with you or are being negative, rather than ask them a question and check it out? It might be that they are just concentrating hard on what you are saying.
• Someone’s tone of voice is a bit harsh, and you assume they are angry with you, rather than considering that they might just be feeling under pressure?
• Someone says a phrase or a word, and it triggers something from your past, and you suddenly end up in a less than resourceful state? They might have just been stating a fact, not making a judgement. For example, “These sales figures are disappointing.”

How can you stop mind reading and start having those so-called “difficult” conversations?

Now, don’t get me wrong, dealing with conflict is not something that comes naturally to me. It is something I have learned how to handle over the years, which helps me when I am coaching and training others in conflict management and having those “difficult” conversations.

If you find yourself either at the end of a challenging conversation, or in a situation where mind reading has been going on, and you need to have a potentially difficult conversation, it is important to do the following to make sure it is as constructive and productive as possible:

• Dampen down your brain’s threat response: Whether you are initiating or on the receiving end of this kind of conversation, it is likely to trigger your brain’s threat response. If you don’t take action to settle yourself, it may impact your ability to listen and have a rational conversation.
• Ask questions: We too often jump to conclusions, project our own stuff onto others and try to mind-read, rather than simply ask questions to seek to understand where they are coming from. This is a lot easier to do if you have dealt with your threat response first.
• Show that you are listening: Summarise or reflect what you have heard, check that you understand what they are saying, and ask questions based on what they have said.
• Calmly make your points: Calmly, clearly and concisely say what you need to say and ask questions to check they have understood.
  Step into their shoes: It can be useful, even before going into this kind of interaction, to step into their shoes. Where are they coming from? This is different from mind reading.
• Aim for a win-win outcome: Agree to disagree, or go away and think about things before continuing the conversation once you have both had time to reflect.