Empty-nesting: Anticipating & preparing

Most of my coaching career has revolved around my daughter’s schooling, but in a few weeks' time, I am facing a new phase – she is off to University and I will be labelled an empty-nester. I have been reflecting on what that means for me and wondering how coaches best support clients who may be in a similar situation.

In some ways, this feels like a parental achievement, something to be celebrated. I feel incredibly fortunate to be sending off a happy, healthy, well-rounded new adult into the world. This seems all the more incredible given her start in life – she was born eight weeks early, weighing just 1.1 kg. So we only have one - there have been some big challenges along the way, but nothing that we haven’t been able to work through as a family.

It feels like an achievement for her also – not just because she got the grades she needed for her first choice Uni, but because it feels like the world is recognising her learning and development. 

Her dominant emotion right now is excitement – we spent the weekend trawling through cheap shops for various bits and pieces – she was really beaming when she selected her first set of plates and cutlery. I am trying to feel excited for her too, and reflecting on my own trip to Uni in an attempt to conjure up long-buried thoughts and feelings.

Much of her excitement is the unknown – all of the new stuff - new course, new accommodation, new friends, new hobbies and new responsibilities – first time she is solely responsible for the adulting chores like cooking, cleaning, washing and budgeting.

The fact is, this is a transition for the whole family. Things will definitely be different, and actually, no one is really sure what they will look like. I don’t know how much we will see her, hear from her or visit her, but I know it’s important that it is on her terms, not mine, so I am mindful it will take time for us to sort out a comfortable rhythm. I anticipate an internal battle regarding the level of support I provide – should I call her or should I wait for her to get in touch?

For my husband, this is all brand new – no one in his family went to University, so the process has all been a learning curve. Every now and again, he is blown away by the clubs, the parties, the opportunities, and I sense a pang of sadness and a feeling that he has missed out. I keep telling him it is never too late to study, but he would rather live vicariously through his daughter, I suspect. 

Although I know I will be grieving, I will be grateful for the time and brain space that her departure will bring and will look to fill my time constructively. With my niche being coaching for career transitions, I am very aware that this adjustment will be a process and will take me time. 

Things will also be changing for us as a couple, too – we are also entering a new phase together – we will have the freedom to choose what we do with our newfound time. We did a little trial recently when we had a trip away together, and I was surprised by how quickly we slotted back into how we were when we first met. But a trip is not quite the same as day-to-day living, so let’s see.  

When we have packed her off to Uni, we have booked in a series of deliberate chats about how we’d like to spend our time – what we will do together, do apart, and what our new day-to-day life looks like.

So in many ways this feels like any other transition – a mix of emotions that requires time and space to be processed and a period of experimentation as we all enter the new uncharted territory. So, if, as a coach, you have clients who are experiencing a similar transition, here are my thoughts on what they might need:

1. Celebrate what has been before: Ask your clients to truly acknowledge where they have come from and the myriad of little steps that have brought them (and their children) to this significant point.
2. Recognise everyone is in transition: Accept that all members of the family are in transition, so allow time and space to experiment with what the new dynamics might look like.
3. Acknowledge emotions: Notice how clients are feeling and provide them with the time and space to process their emotions and potentially grieve their loss. Journaling can be a really helpful way of capturing and processing daily thoughts.
4. Explore any identity impacts: Empty-nesting can coincide with a change in parental role, which often prompts a wider exploration of identity impacts and a trying on of new identities. Articulating what has changed and why is an important starting point.
5. Using any new time and space constructively: Clients may have a clear view of how they plan to fill their time, but many don’t. Understanding client values can be a great starting point for identifying those activities that will be fulfilling.
6. Be OK with the unknown: Enable open conversations that allow clients to approach their next phase with a sense of positivity and curiosity.
7. Prioritise self-care: At times of transition, it is really important to invest internally – what are the practices that ground your client, and what other ways do they plan to invest in their self-care?

As the next phase looms large, I feel like an explorer – a heady mix of fear and excitement. I have a sense of needing a solid base, a foundation from which to openly and comfortably explore all the what-ifs and maybes that are coming. Right now, in the background, my daughter is running through the list of clubs and societies to join, and her commentary on what appeals is fascinating.

I can see she is being open and experimental, so now it’s up to me to follow her example.