Do you have a partner or a project? How to tell the difference

Are you planning to move in together or get married? Then this is a must-read.

Before you get married or move in together, there are some things you should work out.  A mature thing to do is to take a good, honest look at your fears, emotional baggage, and unresolved wounds.

It's not just helpful for personal growth; it's essential for long-term happiness. If you don’t confront your issues beforehand, they will often resurface in the relationship at some point, often more intensely or destructively. 

Here are a few reasons why doing reflective work matters:

• You can then avoid projecting – If you're unaware of your insecurities or fears, you might start blaming your partner for things that stem from your unresolved pain.
• You can then communicate better – When you know your triggers, you can talk about them more calmly instead of reacting impulsively.
• You can then set healthier boundaries – Understanding your emotional history helps you know what you need and how to ask for it.
• You will grow together, not codependently – Relationships are stronger when both people are whole and not looking for another person to complete them.
• You love from a place of wholeness – Loving someone while loving and understanding yourself leads to a secure, open-hearted connection.

Understanding someone's emotional baggage before committing is wise. Everyone has it; the key is awareness, management, and its impact on the relationship.

How to learn more before committing

Here are ways to respectfully learn about someone's emotional depth and patterns before committing.

Have honest conversations about the past

Ask about:

• Their childhood — What was it like growing up?
• Past relationships — What did they learn? What were the complex parts?
• How they handle conflict — Do they avoid it, get defensive, or lean in to resolve?

You're not fishing for red flags. You’re seeing how self-aware and reflective they are.

Watch how they react under stress

Stress reveals a lot:

• Do they shut down or lash out?
• Can they name their feelings, or do they explode?
• Do they return after conflict to process it, or pretend it didn’t happen?

Notice their emotional patterns

Look at:

• Attachment style — Are they avoidant, anxious, or secure?
• Empathy level — Can they see your side even when they’re upset?
• Accountability — Do they take responsibility or deflect/blame?

Observe how they talk about people who hurt them

If every ex is “crazy,” or they’ve never done anything wrong in any relationship, that’s a red flag. Maturity sounds like, “Yeah, we both made mistakes. I learned from it.”

Ask how they handle their emotions

Try something like:

• “What do you do when you feel overwhelmed or sad?”
• “Do you believe in therapy or personal growth?”
• “How do you know when you’re being triggered?”

The goal isn’t to get perfect answers but to see if they’re even asking themselves these questions.

Watch how they treat boundaries

People with unhealed baggage often:

• Struggle with control, resist healthy space, or feel threatened by independence
• Watch how they respond when you set limits or ask for space.

 Testing doesn’t mean tricking — it means being present, intentional, and paying attention to how someone shows up emotionally.

There’s a big difference between someone who’s not perfect but growing and someone stuck and unavailable.

Signs someone is willing to grow (even if they have baggage)

Self-awareness

They can say things like:

• “Yeah, I get why that upset you.”
• “I’ve been working on not shutting down.”
• “This is something I’m still healing from.”

They notice their patterns and take ownership.

Openness to feedback

• When you raise concerns, they listen rather than get defensive or dismissive.
• They don’t have to agree immediately, but they reflect and return.
• Growth-oriented people want to understand how they affect you.
• They care more about connection than being right.

They take action over time

• They don’t just say, “I’m working on it”— you see small shifts.
• They may start therapy, practice better communication, and/or learn how to handle triggers.
• Progress, not perfection — but the effort is honest.

Emotionally available enough to be vulnerable

• Even if it's hard for them, they try to open up about fears, insecurities, or feelings.
• Vulnerability = growth mode.

They don’t blame their past for their present

• They acknowledge past pain but don’t use it as a shield or excuse.
• “This happened to me” vs. “This defines me.”

Signs someone might be stuck in their patterns

Always the victim

 They will say their exes were “crazy.”  They never do anything wrong, in their mind, and everyone else is the problem. No ownership = no growth.

Defensive when challenged

If you express a need or boundary and they get angry, dismissive, or guilt-trip you? That’s not discomfort — that’s control.

Repeats harmful patterns without reflection

They may engage in constant ghosting, shutting down, blaming, or disappearing, but show no curiosity about why it keeps happening. Repetition without reflection = emotional immaturity.

They say they will change, but never follow through

Words with no action are a huge red flag. Even a heartfelt apology means little without behaviour change. “Sorry” is a promise to do better, not a free pass.

Avoids emotional intimacy

They may dodge hard conversations and try to keep things at the surface level. They may get uncomfortable with vulnerability. Emotional walls will block connection and growth.

Why being realistic matters

What you see is what you get (mostly)

People can evolve, but core patterns — especially around communication, conflict, and emotional regulation — don’t shift overnight. If you’re hoping they’ll become more open, more affectionate, and more self-aware after moving in or marrying, you are gambling.

Trying to change someone builds resentment

It might start from a good place — You want to help them be their "best self” — but over time, it can turn into control, pressure, or disappointment. And no one likes being someone else's project.

You rob them of self-growth

If you’re doing the emotional labour for them, they don’t have to! Real change only sticks when it comes from within.

Acceptance is the fundamental foundation of love

Can you fully accept them as they are today, not as they might become? If the answer is no, you owe it to both of you to pause and reflect.

Questions to see who is willing to grow

You could ask casual but Insightful questions to see who is willing to grow versus someone stuck in patterns.

These could open the door to deeper insight:

“What’s something a past relationship taught you about yourself?”
Look for growth, not blame.

“How do you usually handle it when you're upset?”

Please pay attention to whether they know their coping patterns.

“How do you bring it up when you feel disconnected in a relationship?”
Shows communication style & emotional maturity.

“Has a moment in your life changed how you see relationships?”
Brings up past wounds or breakthroughs (if they’ve done the work).

Self-awareness and accountability questions

These go deeper, so ask when the mood is reflective or calm:

“What’s something you’re still working on emotionally?”
You’re looking for honesty here, not perfection.

“What do you need when you’re having a hard day?”
Great for learning their emotional language and seeing how in tune they are with their needs.

“Have you ever been in therapy or done personal growth work?”
It's not a test; it’s just a way to feel out if they’re open to it or if it’s foreign/scary to them.

Conflict and vulnerability questions

Conflict is where emotional baggage shows up — so these are key:

“How do you usually handle conflict — do you like to talk things out or take space?”
Neither is wrong — you’re just looking for self-awareness and emotional control.

“What helps you feel safe in a relationship?”
Reveals how they build trust and what kind of emotional environment they need.

“What’s a fear you’ve had in past relationships?”
Not everyone will answer this immediately, but that’s a great sign of vulnerability if they do.

By asking these questions gradually, you can discern if someone is growth-oriented or carrying unresolved issues. Is this love, or trauma bonding? Recognising it is challenging, especially when emotionally involved, but the signs are always there.

How to tell if you are in the wrong kind of relationship

You’re constantly anxious, confused, or walking on eggshells

You’re always unsure where you stand. One day it's love, the next it's chaos. You feel like you're trying to earn their affection or avoid setting them off.

Love should feel safe, not like a survival game!

You keep trying to “fix” it — or them

You’re doing all the emotional labour. You think, “If I just communicate better, love harder, stay patient…”

But they’re not meeting you halfway.

A one-sided relationship results in emotional exhaustion, which can be misconstrued as dedication or effort.

You’re shrinking, not growing

You don’t feel like yourself anymore. You hide your opinions, needs, and personality just to “keep the peace.”

A healthy relationship makes you more of who you are, not less. 

They’re inconsistent, and it keeps you hooked

They give just enough to keep you around. Love bombing, then pulling away. Highs and lows are so intense, and it feels like passion, but it’s emotional manipulation.

If it feels like a rollercoaster, it’s probably not love. It’s trauma reenactment. 

You fantasise more about their potential than the reality

You’re in love with what they could be if they “just healed,” “just committed,” “just changed.” But meanwhile, they stay the same.

Loving someone’s potential is dating a dream, not a person.

Your boundaries are constantly tested or disrespected

You say, “I need space” or “That hurt me,” and they mock it, ignore it, or flip it on you.
Respect is the baseline. If it’s missing, the whole foundation is cracked.

You're more drained than fulfilled

You’re tired. Your soul feels heavy. You miss your peace more than you’d miss the person if they left.

Your nervous system should relax around your partner, not brace for impact.

Last truth bomb...

If you’re constantly asking yourself whether this relationship is right for you…  It probably isn’t. Love shouldn’t feel confused; real love feels peaceful.
 
If this hits home, book a session with a professional for support.