Connection and contribution: Keys to a fulfilling life

As a society, things have never moved faster. New technologies, new ways of working, and new cultural norms that would have bamboozled our ancestors as little as 150 years ago. The pace of change isn’t slowing anytime soon either. And yet, the way we are wired neurologically hasn’t changed in a while. Like, tens, if not hundreds of thousands of years, kind of a while.

This has many implications. The one I want to draw our attention to? How we find meaning and purpose.

Why our brains are out of sync with modern life

All animals evolve and adapt to survive, and we’re no different. In tribal times, we all contributed to the survival of the tribe, or we died. Serving others, and doing a role that would benefit those around us was what we lived for, whether that be hunting for food, building huts and weapons, or praying to the gods to be a little kinder – we all played our part.

This was largely the same until rather recently. We continued to live in small villages and towns and provided for other people. You’d generally follow in the footsteps of your parents, passing on skills that would allow you to continue to play your part.

Things are… Somewhat different these days.

We want to do work we care about, that we think is important. Research suggests that we increasingly want our values to align with our work, or we will look elsewhere.

You want to feel like you've made a difference, like you matter. That’s not surprising - it's inbuilt within us. If something doesn’t align with us, we look elsewhere. The concept of following a family tradition has disappeared for the most part. We demand the freedom to pursue whatever goal we please.

This presents a bit of a problem, though…

Because most people don't actually know what they want. There are so many possibilities out there as to what you can do and who you can be, that we end up chasing all sorts of things – money, status, possessions, etc.

But remember, the wiring in our brain has changed little. Underneath the flashy suits and modern technology, we’re little more than the cave people of yesteryear.

We chase those things because it feels pleasurable to hope that they will make our lives better in some way. This gives us a purpose: To strive for that which we believe will help us in some way. It’s only when we get them and realise they make no material difference to our happiness that we stare into the abyss of our fruitless efforts. But no worries, if we get that thing, then we’ll be OK.

I want to suggest that we instead return to our roots when it comes to finding meaning and pleasure, looking instead at how our brains developed to give us clues as to what we give our life the meaning and purpose we’re craving.

Here are two Cs to get you thinking.

Connection

Urgh, other people, really?

Yes really. Connection with other people is difficult, awkward, and takes time. People can be lazy, unfaithful, mean and a whole range of other negative things (which you might not be immune to either!)

Yet connection with other people really is the foundation of feeling a sense of wellness. Connection gives us perspective, helps us learn and grow, counters loneliness and addiction, and makes fun moments that are worth living for.

Connection with others is what makes the release of the feel-good neurotransmitters oxytocin and serotonin possible, which were developed to keep us connected to others, which ultimately ensured our survival.

For sure, it’s not always easy keeping connections with others going. Friendships come and go, colleagues become ex-colleagues, and sometimes we’re not as close to our families as we’d like to be.

Relationships take time, care and attention. As a busy dad of three, finding the time to invest in my marriage and friendships is a constant challenge, one that I get wrong more than I get right.

But connection with others really is an investment that pays off like no other. It brings flavour to life that little else does, and is hugely beneficial for every aspect of our health.

Contribution

One of the defining characteristics of our tribal ancestors is the idea of contribution. There was no such thing as a ‘lone wolf’, not for very long anyway. You were part of a tribe, or you died.

We still operate in this way, just on a scale so large we don’t think about it in these terms anymore. You don’t consciously think about who built your house, made your clothes, grew your food, cleaned and delivered your water. Not often anyway. It’s just an expectation.

When everything was local and needed to be provided for by 50-150 people (many of whom were old, young, or sick, so could contribute little), then every person counted. Every member of the group had to pull their weight, or the whole group suffered.

The very idea of helping those around us was, and is still, inbuilt within us.

That’s why chasing things for our own benefit feels so hollow when we finally achieve them. The chase to get there felt good because it gave us a reason to continue, but arriving there brought little. We quickly move on to the next thing to avoid this painful reality.

Instead, if we can find something that we genuinely believe brings value to others, then our satisfaction and well-being levels are likely to increase significantly and stay there long-term.

What does meaningful work look like? There really is no definition, and it's very much unique to each person.

I used to work in a bank and believed I was flogging financial products to make the bank a profit. Others saw their role as helping people manage their finances and give them peace of mind.

Who was right? Both. Neither. It’s the wrong question.

What’s important is that each person finds significant meaning in what they do and pursues it. This will usually always come in the form of bringing value to, or helping someone else. It can be an individual, or millions of people – in some way, it will contribute to others.

Connection. Contribution. Two powerful ways to improve the quality of our lives. How will you increase both going forward?