Confidence that doesn't run out

We talk about confidence as if it’s a commodity: "I don't have confidence". It's as if we think it is quantifiable, something we can gather up and hold. Something that we hold onto. I.e. a thing outside of us.

What is confidence? 

You see, confidence isn’t a personality trait or a skill you perform. It’s a state you can return to and one that lives in you, not something that is external to you.

What people think confidence is

Over the years, people often come to coaching believing confidence is something they have to build. They imagine a version of themselves that feels bold, certain, and immune to doubt, but when we chase that version, confidence stays slippery.

This is usually underpinned by two beliefs about confidence:

Confidence as capability: This is the “I can do it because I’ve done it before” version. It’s about skills, track record, and preparation. It’s useful, but fragile because when circumstances change or you step into something new, that sense of certainty disappears.

Confidence as personality: Some people see confidence as a fixed trait. You’re either born with it or you’re not. This mindset often leaves people comparing themselves to others who seem naturally self-assured, without realising that most “confident” people wobble too. It’s just that they’ve learned to relate differently to fear.

An empowered view of confidence

Both these definitions view confidence as something we have – either it's innate or it's something outside of us. But what if there was another way of looking at confidence? What if it were something that is already within us that we connect to?

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, it is called self-energy. It’s the calm, compassionate, grounded essence that exists beneath all our protective parts and defence mechanisms: the achiever, the perfectionist, the people-pleaser, the inner critic. When we’re in touch with that self, confidence isn’t something we manufacture; it’s something we access.

Confidence isn’t about believing you’ll always succeed. It’s about being in a relationship with yourself, the parts that feel scared, the parts that want to hide, and the deeper self that can hold them all with compassion. When you’re connected to that self-energy, you don’t need circumstances to be perfect. You draw confidence from within. And the magic thing: this form of confidence never runs out.

How this looks in coaching

In sessions, coaches might invite clients to pause when they’re describing a moment of doubt or self-criticism. We might ask, “Who’s speaking right now?” Maybe it’s the part that’s afraid of failing, or the one that feels pressure to prove something. We slow down, listen, and acknowledge those parts with kindness rather than trying to silence them.

It can help to then ask, “Is there another part of you that can notice all of this, that’s not caught in it?” That gentle observer, that grounded presence, is the self. When clients shift into that state, their energy can change. Their voice softens. Their shoulders drop. They often say, “I feel clearer…lighter…more me".

From this place, we can still take action and set goals, but the drive comes from alignment, not anxiety. They stop trying to feel confident before doing something hard. Instead, they lead from self and trust that confidence will flow as a natural outcome of that connection.

Confidence that survives the bad days

When we source confidence from self-energy, it becomes renewable. Circumstances can change, outcomes can disappoint, feedback can sting, but the confidence still remains. Because it’s not dependent on praise or proof. It’s something truer: the steady sense that I am okay, even here, even now.

In practice, this means confidence doesn’t have to look loud or fearless. Sometimes it’s quiet, steady, or simply willing. It might look like showing up to the meeting even though part of you wants to run. Or having a difficult conversation with kindness instead of armour. It's the kind of confidence that deepens over time.

What this means for you

If you’ve spent years trying to “boost” your confidence, maybe it’s time to stop chasing it and start listening for it. You don’t have to find confidence outside of yourself. It’s been there all along, quietly waiting for you to remember. 

And this might feel quite overwhelming on your own, and it can help to have a coach or a therapist alongside you to help you figure out how you can start to access this side of yourself.