Confidence: 5 ways to build yours

I often find myself wondering what confidence is... how to define it, spot it and understand it. I work with clients a lot on this and one thing I want everyone to know - it's not necessarily about feeling like you can do something. Rather, it's about having a go.

Confidence and whether we feel it or not depends on many things. Our self-perception, our perception of our environment, those who we're interacting with, past experiences, emotional regulation, how well we've slept and even our brain’s neurochemistry.

To effectively intervene, I believe it's important to understand the worries behind the loss of self-belief: is it tied to fear of failure? Perfectionism? Social comparison? Or perhaps a deeper issue like unresolved trauma or chronic stress?

5 ways to build confidence 

1. Leverage "successive approximation" (behavioural activation) 

If your confidence is tied to fear of failure or avoidance behaviours, the principle of successive approximation can help. This technique involves breaking down daunting tasks into micro-goals and systematically exposing yourself to increasingly challenging situations.

How it works:

• Start with tasks that feel only slightly uncomfortable but achievable.
• Gradually increase the difficulty as you gain mastery over smaller steps.
  For example: If public speaking terrifies you, start by practising in front of a mirror, progress to speaking in front of a trusted friend, then a small group, and finally larger audiences.

This approach rewires your brain through graded exposure, reducing the fear response (amygdala activation) while building competence and confidence incrementally. Research in behavioural psychology shows that this method reduces avoidance behaviours and fosters self-efficacy.

2. Use self-distancing techniques to reframe negative self-talk

When caught in cycles of self-doubt or rumination, self-distancing techniques can help you step back and view your situation more objectively. Instead of identifying with negative thoughts (“I’m terrible at this”), you learn to observe them as an outsider.

How it works:

• Practice “distanced self-talk.” Instead of saying, “I can’t do this,” reframe it as if advising a friend: “You’ve handled challenges like this before; what’s one small thing you can do now?”
• Write about your struggles in the third person: “Why does y(our name) feel this way?” This creates psychological distance from the emotional intensity.
• Visualise yourself as an observer watching your situation unfold from a neutral perspective.

Studies by Dr. Ethan Kross at the University of Michigan show that self-distancing reduces emotional overwhelm and fosters problem-solving skills. By creating space between yourself and your inner critic, you gain clarity and reduce the intensity of negative emotions.

3. Incorporate embodied confidence practices

Confidence is felt. It's emotional and therefore physical. The way you carry yourself has a direct impact on how confident you feel, thanks to the brain-body connection.

How it works:

• Practice power poses (e.g. standing tall with hands on hips or arms open wide). While controversial in some studies, adopting expansive postures has been shown to increase feelings of control in certain contexts.
• Use breathwork techniques like diaphragmatic breathing or box breathing (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds). This calms the nervous system and reduces anxiety.
• Engage in movement-based practices like yoga or tai chi that emphasize groundedness and balance.

Research shows that physical posture influences hormonal responses (e.g. cortisol and testosterone levels), which can affect confidence. Additionally, calming the body through breathwork reduces physiological symptoms of anxiety that undermine self-assurance.

4. Rewire your brain with cognitive restructuring

Cognitive restructuring is an advanced cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) technique designed to challenge deeply ingrained negative beliefs about yourself.

How it works:

• Identify automatic negative thoughts (e.g. “I’ll never succeed”).
• Examine the evidence for and against these beliefs. Are they based on facts or assumptions?
• Replace distorted thoughts with balanced alternatives (e.g. “I’ve failed before, but I’ve also succeeded many times”).
• Use visualisation to mentally rehearse success scenarios - imagine yourself confidently handling situations where you typically struggle.

Neuroscience research shows that repeated thought patterns strengthen neural pathways in the brain. By consciously replacing negative thoughts with constructive ones, you create new pathways associated with confidence and resilience.

5. Develop "self-efficacy micro-habits"

Self-efficacy - the belief in your ability to influence outcomes - is foundational to confidence. Building it requires consistent action over time through small daily habits that reinforce competence.

How it works:

• Start each day by completing one small task that aligns with your goals (e.g. sending an email you’ve been procrastinating on).
• Track your progress using a journal or app to visually see how far you’ve come.
• Reflect on past successes regularly - write down three things you’ve accomplished each week and what skills contributed to those successes.

Dr. Albert Bandura’s research on self-efficacy highlights that mastery experiences are critical for building confidence. By focusing on small wins, you create a positive feedback loop that reinforces belief in your abilities.

Is confidence really what you need?

Sometimes what feels like a lack of confidence is actually masking other issues:

• Burnout: If you're exhausted or overwhelmed, low energy may be mistaken for low confidence.
• Skill deficit: If you're struggling because you're unprepared or undertrained, focus on skill acquisition rather than mindset shifts.
• Emotional regulation issues: Anxiety or unresolved trauma may be at play.

Importantly...

Building confidence isn’t about quick fixes - it’s about rewiring thought patterns, cultivating resilience through action, and addressing underlying factors. It takes time, lots of time, and consistency and that's one of the reasons it can be really helpful to book in with an experienced professional.