ADHD and me

This is not the first article I was going to post. This is not even an article that has been prepared, edited or sense-checked before posting. Welcome to my ADHD. I spent a lot of yesterday sitting on the grass in the sunshine, chatting to friends and people I had just met at a wonderful festival. One big conversation topic was neurodiversity and what it meant to us.

It wasn't until I got home that I realised for the first time in my life I had not only publicly shared my diagnosis, but I had talked about it with pride and love. I didn't even pause to think about it before I spoke. 

I was talking with others about their neurodiverse challenges and how they impacted their lives. The conversation turned to diagnosis and medication, whether a diagnosis is necessary and how medication might impact a person's life. And when you choose not to take medication, what does that mean for you in how you live your life? 

I realised that I wanted to share how I have lived without medication, a choice I made once I had experienced what life could be like with medication. 

I could fill this article with practical tips for staying on top of all the executive functioning tasks I struggle with. I could talk about the importance of finding what you love so that your challenges around distraction become challenges of hyper-focus. But that isn't the most important point I reflected on yesterday. 

For a long time, I have wrestled with two people in my head. There is the anxious lady who has to control it all to stay on top, and borders on OCD with checking things she hasn't remembered she has done. Then there is my ADHD lady, who knows when to use her instincts, understands that control will only get you so far and thinks outside the box.

I have learned that both of these people have a place in my life in different ways. I understand their strengths and weaknesses, and who can help me in different situations. I have come to love them both, the parts of me that make me....me.  

The ADHD lady helped me book the holiday of a lifetime with my son... the anxious lady prepared, and packed and got us there. The ADHD lady decided we should have solar panels to manage our electricity bills and the anxious lady did the research and worked out the finances. 

Too often we focus on the challenges that ADHD brings in a society that is moulded around the neurotypical. The more we talked in that sunny field, the conversation turned to the strengths it brings to us rather than just the challenges. If we choose to live a life without medication, we can easily tip into beating ourselves up for not being able to think like others. We get irritated with ourselves for losing our keys or struggling with forms, or for having piles of filing that date back years. 

When we have made our choice about medication, we have to consciously choose how we think about ourselves. I have learnt to love my ADHD lady, I know when she works best, and I love the risks she takes for me. In writing this article, I have realised I love my anxious lady too. I love that she wants me to be safe, and I love the lengths she will go to to protect me. More importantly, in writing this I have realised that they work together and I love what happens when I can lean into them both at different points on the same project. 

It didn't happen overnight, it has taken years of reflection. It has been a long journey of challenging what I thought I knew about myself and getting to know the real me. 

This is not the article I had intended to post. This is the article I felt like I had to write. I've trusted my instincts to write it and will let my ADHD lady take a risk to post it. Whatever the challenges in life, the greatest gift you can give yourself in meeting them is getting to know yourself and learning what you can do when you love all the parts that make you... you.