Three steps to being assertive without being aggressive

Assertiveness comes from self-respect and clear boundaries, not aggression. Aggressiveness, on the other hand, comes from being defensive, arrogant, or having a sense of entitlement. No one has the right to abuse or disrespect you in any way. However, while some people are so self-centred that they are unaware they are offending you, others know exactly what they are doing and see you as a soft touch.

By being assertive, you will form stronger, more mutually respectful relationships, both professionally and personally, and you will considerably raise your self-confidence.

Golden rules for assertive communication

• Use ‘I’ statements: This is very powerful because it comes from taking responsibility for yourself and speaking from your personal point of view, rather than blaming your feelings, thoughts, or opinions on others.
• State facts, not judgements: Always label the behaviour, not the person (e.g. "It’s not OK for you to make unkind comments about my appearance").
• Use open body language: Stand or sit straight. Keep your voice calm, gentle, and firm, and make direct eye contact.

Now that you know the golden rules, here are three steps to help you stay assertive without slipping into aggressive communication:

1. Good fences make good neighbours

Good boundaries give you measurable borders and do not allow others to take limitlessly; they are crucial to set and maintain. If you want to learn to stand up for yourself, you need to have clear boundaries. This will develop your emotional strength and build your confidence. Setting boundaries illustrates self-respect and shows others that you honour and value yourself.

2. You get to decide 

Be clear about what your limits are. Perhaps you don’t approve of someone smoking in your car. Perhaps you feel it is unacceptable for others to use bad language in front of your children. Perhaps you feel your teen is abusing your house by inviting friends over every night. Perhaps a colleague constantly helps herself to your milk in the fridge without asking, or keeps dumping extra work on you and assuming you will do it. You have the right to set those limits. 

3. Turn your thoughts around, turn your world around

If you ever feel you are overreacting, being too sensitive, behaving childishly, or being unreasonable, stop right there: you are not. If someone is being aggressive, manipulative, demanding, rude, or arrogant; if they have unreasonable expectations and a sense of entitlement; if they put you down or jokingly show you up; they have the issue, not you!
Make it happen. Why? Because it’s your time to shine.