Grief must be witnessed

What do you think of when you hear the word grief? I imagine you think of your loved one who has passed away. I know I do.

I recognise there are many types of loss. Loss through divorce, loss of friendships, communities, health, and independence. Bear with me as I share my season of loss through the death of loved ones.

When I think of grief, my mind goes right back to the season of loss. January 2018 when I found out my niece passed away from a long illness. A week later I received a call from my mom (I live in the UK but I was born and raised in Seattle Washington USA). That dreaded call. My dad has brain cancer. I quit my job and lived with my parents until my dad passed away seven months later.

14 months after I buried my dad, my mom wasn’t responding to my messages. I called her, but nothing. I called everyone I could think of, “When did you last see my mom?” My brother and her best friend went to her home, my childhood home. She passed away peacefully in her sleep. The shock, the pain, the excruciating pain. Two months after my mom passed away, in the middle of the night, another dreaded call. My son-in-law passed away in an accident! What the hell! No! Not Jack! Not in front of my daughter! No! Wake up Lisa, wake up from this nightmare.

In 22 months, there were 12 loved ones who passed away, my friends, and my friends’ children. It sucked!

Unfortunately, I do understand loss, grief, and pain and not just through the death of loved ones. However, most of us belong to this club and none of us wants to be in it. 

I do not share this for sympathy or believe my loss and grief are any worse or less than anyone else. As the worldwide grief expert, David Kessler, says, “Your grief is the worst, because it is yours.”

As a certified and accredited grief coach and grief educator, I speak to many individuals who are grieving. It is important to create a safe space where our grief can be witnessed. We want to be seen, heard, loved, not fixed. No one can fix this.

Time does not heal all wounds. We must stop saying this. We learn to create a life around the pain. We take the pain with us.

Everyone grieves and processes differently. Here are some things that helped me. You may find them useful:

1. grief counselling
2. hiring a life coach
3. amazing friends/support system/tribe
4. rest and recovery – I learned it was OK to rest and not sit in the pain all of the time
5. laughter – I had to find things and people who made me laugh when I needed it

I want to offer some hope. You can learn to create a happy, healthy, passion-filled life around the pain. You do not need to be fixed, you are not broken, you are grieving. You are forever changed and that is OK.