Why your values matter and three questions to identify them

Values are so foundational that I start all of my coaching relationships by exploring them, but it’s one of those words that can feel a little vague. So, what are they? Well, basically, they’re the intangible things that make you tick, the things that feel really important to you.

They can be anything from fairness, calmness, honesty, respect and connection, to humour, adventure and inspiration. Some values may be shared by lots of people, but how you define them and which ones you prioritise is personal to you.

When values aren't honoured

My clients often start coaching when they’ve reached a crunch point of important values of theirs being squashed or dishonoured. For example, if connection is particularly important to you, going through a period where you have little meaningful contact with other people may leave you feeling that something is missing.

When something important to us isn't being reflected in our lives, we may feel disjointed or out of sorts, with that sense of things just not being “right” for us.

An example of this happening at work is what happened to a client who valued harmony and productivity. She started coaching when she found herself in a situation where two senior leaders were so busy constantly disagreeing that it prevented her from meeting her objectives. After raising this but not seeing any change, she chose to move on and is now happier in a company where conflict is resolved before it escalates (harmony), and she can get on with doing a good job (productivity).

Identifying your values

Understanding your values can help you recognise what matters to you and what may contribute to a greater sense of fulfilment. So how do you identify them? I ask all of my clients three key questions. Try asking yourself these, or preferably, get someone else to ask them, and help you to talk through your answers.

Who do you admire and what is it that you admire about them?

This can be anyone, from a friend, family member or work colleague to someone famous or a historical or fictional character. What we notice and admire in other people can sometimes offer clues about qualities or values that matter to us. You might admire someone adventurous and always seems to be learning but feel you’re not the same. This doesn’t mean that those values aren’t important to you; it’s just that you may have lost touch with them.

What annoys you? What do you dislike?

Like the client I mentioned earlier, most of us find ourselves reacting to behaviour that we think is “wrong”, from queue jumping to untidiness or more serious behaviour like bullying. The trick is to flip over the behaviour and look for the value that’s being “squashed”.

If queue jumpers wind you up, you might find that fairness or consideration is important to you. If you don’t like messiness, organisation or structure might be something you value. What bothers you that’s suppressing a value of yours?

What was a peak moment in your life? What was happening?

From sitting on a beach watching a beautiful sunset to feeling really in your flow in the middle of making a presentation, our memories of great moments can hold clues to our values. Peace, calm or a connection with nature might be present in the sunset moment, while communication, connection or challenge might stand out in the presentation.

So, when have you felt that everything was going really well and you felt just right? Try to make it a specific moment.

Your core values

Once you’ve answered those questions, take a look at the values that have come up and notice if there are some which feel so close to each other that they sit together. Then give yourself some time to consider the five values which feel as though they matter the most to you.

Identifying five values that feel particularly important to you can give you an internal compass to refer back to when making decisions.

How far are you living your values?

It’s also good to look across all of your values and rate how far you’re living them. As the extent to which you’re living some values can vary a lot between your work and personal life, it’s best to rate them separately for each area.

Use a scale where one is “I’m not living this value at all at the moment”, and 10 is “I fully live this value”. Go with your instinctive response; there’s no need to agonise. This is just about giving yourself a feel for the values that you’re living and the ones that might need some attention.

If you’d like to live a couple of the values that come out with a low score more fully, think about an action or two that you can take to help you do this. For example, if you value learning but you’ve scored it at a two, think about something you’d like to know more about and start by just watching something on YouTube or a TED talk.

Living your values more fully doesn’t have to be about a really big commitment. A small action may help, and you can build towards bigger commitments later if you’d like to.

It’s also worth saying that you can’t always live all of your values at a full-on “10”, not least of all because they sometimes feel as though they can contradict each other – you might value both honesty and harmony and have to accept that harmony might be temporarily disrupted if you provide very honest feedback to someone.

Using your values as a guide

Knowing your values and identifying your core values can give you a useful internal compass and help you make more conscious choices about how you want to spend your time and what you want to prioritise.