When helping becomes rescuing: How to set boundaries

Our actions often have consequences. But what happens when someone doesn't experience those consequences because somebody else repeatedly steps in to deal with them?

For example, if every time someone you care about overspends, you bail them out, they won’t experience the consequences of their spending. You are protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions.

Often it is people who get pleasure from helping others and have a tendency to over-give that jump in and rescue the people they care about. This happens in families, between intimate partners, and in the workplace.

Sometimes people rescue others out of a genuine desire to help. However, it can also come from obligation or fear, because they are scared of what will happen, of the consequences reflecting badly on them, of losing someone or being alone.

Repeatedly protecting someone from the consequences of their choices can sometimes make it easier for the same pattern to continue, while leaving you carrying more of the emotional, practical or financial impact.

Allowing someone to take responsibility for their own choices doesn't guarantee they will change, but it allows them to respond to the consequences themselves rather than having someone else continually step in.

That doesn’t mean that you have to stop supporting the people you care about, but it may require you to set some limits about how you will support them moving forward.

So where do you start?

• Start by recognising that the other person is an adult who may be capable of making decisions, solving problems and taking responsibility for their choices. Giving them the opportunity to do this can be an important first step in changing the pattern between you.
• When you feel the urge to help, press pause. Take some time to think so you can make an informed choice. Ask yourself: By saying yes to this, what am I saying no to? By saying no to this, what am I saying yes to? What is underneath this urge to help? Is it a desire to be of service or is it coming from a place of fear or obligation?
• Let go of trying to fix someone and instead move towards supporting them to find their own solutions. Instead of telling someone what to do or doing it for them, begin asking questions - ask first, tell second. Regularly doing things for someone that they could reasonably do themselves may make it harder to establish a more balanced dynamic. Being curious and allowing someone to talk uninterrupted about their struggles can help them to work things through and consider their own solutions.
• Put your own oxygen mask on first. When you switch your focus from others back to yourself, it enables you to reconnect with your own feelings, wants and needs. Looking after your own needs isn't incompatible with caring about somebody else's. Taking care of yourself can also help you consider what support you are realistically able and willing to give.
• Make a list of all the things you are doing for others that they are capable of doing for themselves. Add to the list all the things that you are doing for others where you feel a sense of frustration, anger, hurt or resentment. Next, pick something from that list that doesn’t feel too ‘big’ to tackle and try using the following formula for expressing your feelings and desires: ‘When you do X, I feel Y’. Then ask for what you want instead: ‘Would you be willing to do Z instead?’ Remember, you can ask for what you want and set boundaries around what you will do, but you cannot control how the other person responds.
• Know when to ask for support. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It does not mean you aren’t capable. It is giving yourself the opportunity to have support too, just as you support others. Working with a professional coach can also give you space to explore your boundaries, the patterns you've fallen into and what you want to do differently.

Supporting someone without taking over

You can't make another person change, but you can consider the part you play in the pattern between you. Changing when and how you step in, becoming clearer about your boundaries and allowing someone else to take greater responsibility for their choices may change the dynamic.

Supporting someone doesn't always mean solving the problem for them. Sometimes support means caring about them while recognising which responsibilities belong to them - and which belong to you.