Who am I? 5 ways coaching can help you explore your identity

At some point in our lives, we are likely to have at least one moment when we question who we are. This can be a frightening and uncomfortable feeling, but with appropriate support, this discombobulation doesn’t need to last long. I typically work with coaching clients who are in transition, and one of the areas we inevitably touch on is identity. Transition often involves a sense of a 'before' identity and an 'after' identity with a messy in-between phase – a no man’s land where the old identity is mourned and the new identity is crafted.

The first step with a new client is to understand whether coaching is suitable for them. Identity questions can originate from an external prompt like a transition, but they can also originate from neurological changes in the brain, social context, environmental situations, or even psychiatric conditions. Many of these origins require specialised therapeutic support with a counsellor, psychologist, or psychiatrist. 

If coaching is deemed suitable, how can it help explore your identity? There are five main ways that coaching can support clients who wish to explore their identity.

1. Understanding the drivers behind your question of identity 

There are many drivers behind a change in identity, so understanding what's driving your client to explore their identity is a sensible place to start.

Drivers suitable for coaching can include:

• a change in identity prompted by life events like becoming a parent, getting married or retiring
• a change in identity prompted by enforced events like illness, redundancy or bereavement
• a more subtle questioning of identity prompted by age, a change of role, or a change in personal circumstances
• a deliberate decision to explore your identity out of pure curiosity

2. Understanding all the facets that make up your identity

Identity is a complex topic, and many facets contribute to making you, you. Exploring what elements feel important for you is a fascinating process – you are unlikely to have looked at this with such depth before.

We will explore all the elements that contribute to your identity, which may include your: 

• personal characteristics like gender, age, or physical appearance
• origins including nationality, ethnicity, ancestry or language
• lived location, spoken language, social status
• membership of social groups – whether military, religious or political, etc
• education, training or qualifications
• work role – profession and status
• marital or relationship status
• familial relationships like sibling position, parent or grandparent 
• preferences like sexual orientation 
• privileges like social status 
• personality and character 
• skills and strengths
• values and beliefs

3. Mourning your old identity

This sense of loss when we change identities can often come as a surprise, especially when the new identity has been aspirational, but this is what is commonly experienced. Affording your old identity time and space is important to acknowledge what you will lose and gain by changing identities. Tools and exercises will enable acknowledgement, bereavement and letting go of the old identity.

4. Crafting your new identity

We will work through a number of exercises for you to understand what is important for you in your new identity and why. Together, we will deliberately and intently work on constructing your 'ideal' new identity, focusing on both what you would like to see and hear from this new you (your act of doing) and what you imagine your new identity will think and feel (your act of being).

We may also look at your internal concept of self (do you have a unitary, multiple, dynamic or no self-concept?) and how this may impact your identity construction. Importantly, we will also look at the dark side of adopting your new identity and how this may impact your life. 

For some people, their new identity is a clear objective, but for others, it is unknown or unclear. When this is the case, we will use the facets of their identity that they deem important to construct some optional identities. We will then look at creative ways to “try on” these new identities to see how, or if, they fit.  

5. Living your new identity 

Once you have an aspirational identity, it’s about understanding how this compares with your lived reality. If prompted by external events, this part of the coaching is often carried out after the life event so that the lived reality is experienced rather than imagined.

There may be gaps between your ideal and lived identities, so we will explore these gaps and understand how, or if, these can be closed. It can be an iterative process that takes time, involving several versions before your new identity feels like it truly fits.

It can be devastating to experience a lost sense of self when you really are not sure who you are at a point in time. It feels very unsettling, even frightening, but it is a very common part of any transition process. With support and deliberate action, your identity can be rediscovered, recrafted or revised.