When your roles change: how to find yourself again

There are periods of life when our identity feels relatively certain. We know what is expected of us, where our time goes and which roles we occupy. Work, relationships, parenting, caring responsibilities and everyday routines can provide structure, meaning and a sense of purpose. Then something changes.

Children become more independent. A career shifts. A relationship changes. Caring responsibilities reduce. We reach a different stage of life, or simply find ourselves with enough breathing room to notice a question that may have been quietly sitting underneath the busyness: Who am I now?

It can be a surprisingly uncomfortable question.

Why our roles can become part of our identity

Identity is more than a collection of personality traits. Our sense of self develops through our experiences, relationships, interests, values and the different roles we occupy.

Over time, some roles can become particularly important. We may see ourselves primarily as a parent, partner, professional, carer, friend or simply the person everybody can depend upon.

There is nothing inherently negative about this. These roles can provide connection, belonging and meaning. However, difficulties can arise when one or several roles occupy so much of our emotional and practical energy that other parts of our identity receive very little attention.

Without necessarily noticing it happening, we can become extremely good at asking:

• What does everyone need from me?
• What needs doing next?
• Where do I need to be?

Yet when somebody asks what we want, the answer may be much harder to find.

Why positive life changes can still feel unsettling

We often associate periods of uncertainty with difficult events, but even positive or expected transitions can affect our sense of identity.

Children becoming more independent, having fewer caring responsibilities or gaining more freedom might sound entirely positive. Yet if those responsibilities have provided routine, purpose or a clear sense of who we are for many years, their changing importance can create an unexpected gap.

Someone may finally have more time and discover they don't actually know what to do with it. Questions can emerge:

• What do I enjoy now?
• What matters to me?
• What am I interested in?
• What do I want this next stage of my life to look like?

This does not necessarily mean something has gone wrong. It may simply be an invitation to become curious about an identity that has naturally evolved.

Have you lost yourself – or stopped making space for yourself?

The phrase "losing yourself" can sound frightening, but perhaps we don't completely lose ourselves at all.

Imagine the amount of time and emotional energy available to us as a limited space. Work takes some. Relationships take some. Family responsibilities, finances, housework, appointments and everyday administration take more.

During particularly demanding periods, there may simply be very little room left for hobbies, interests, curiosity or personal development. Over time, those parts of ourselves can become quieter. Not necessarily because they have disappeared, but because we haven't had many opportunities to listen to them.

When life eventually creates more space, reconnecting with those parts of ourselves can take time.

Values can provide a useful compass

When people feel uncertain about what they want, they may feel enormous pressure to immediately discover a new goal or purpose. It may be more helpful to start with values.

Values are the qualities and principles that matter to us. They might include connection, creativity, adventure, compassion, freedom, security, learning or growth. Goals may change throughout life, but our values can help guide us through different circumstances.

For example, somebody who identifies creativity as important does not necessarily need to change career or undertake an enormous project. They might begin writing again, return to photography, learn an instrument, decorate, garden or find another small way to bring creativity back into everyday life.

Instead of asking the intimidating question, What should I do with my life? we might ask: How could I bring a little more of what matters to me into the life I already have? That can feel much more manageable.

Rediscover yourself through small experiments

We can sometimes believe we need to understand ourselves completely before taking action. In reality, action can help us discover what fits.

Try the class. Return to an old hobby. Visit somewhere different. Spend some time alone. Learn something new. Go to the event. Accept an invitation you would usually decline.

Then become curious about the experience. Did you enjoy it? Did you feel energised, peaceful, excited or connected? Would you like to do it again? There doesn't have to be a grand purpose behind every activity. Sometimes doing something simply because we enjoy it can teach us something valuable about ourselves.

Notice when guilt appears

Making space for ourselves can also trigger uncomfortable thoughts, particularly when we have spent years prioritising responsibilities.

We may think:

• I should be doing something useful.
• I don't have time for this.
• Other people need me.
• I'm being selfish.

Rather than immediately accepting those thoughts as facts, it can be helpful simply to notice them.

Ask yourself where that expectation came from. Would you apply the same standard to somebody you cared about? Would you tell a friend that they must finish every responsibility before they are allowed to enjoy themselves?

Rest, enjoyment and personal interests do not always need to be justified through productivity.

Confidence may follow action

Another barrier to rediscovering ourselves can be the belief that we need to feel confident before trying something unfamiliar. We may tell ourselves, "I'll do it when I'm more confident", but confidence can develop through experience.

Trying something new gives us information. We discover what we enjoy, what feels uncomfortable, and what we can manage. A small action can create evidence that challenges the assumption that we must feel completely ready before beginning.

This doesn't mean forcing ourselves into situations that feel overwhelming. It means recognising that uncertainty and action can sometimes exist together.

Three questions to explore

If you feel as though you have lost touch with yourself, try reflecting on three questions:

When do I feel most like myself?

Think about where you are, what you're doing and who you're with.

What have I stopped doing that I once enjoyed?

You may no longer want those things, and that's completely fine, but some interests may have become casualties of a particularly busy stage of life.

What would I like to try?

Think about what you might explore if you weren't worried about being good at it, being productive or what somebody else might think.

The answers don't need to produce an immediate life plan. The purpose is curiosity.

How life coaching may help

Life coaching can provide a structured space for someone experiencing a period of transition to explore what matters to them and what they would like the next chapter of their life to contain.

Depending on the individual, coaching might involve exploring values, strengths, confidence, assumptions, priorities and possible goals.

A coach does not need to provide the answer to the question “Who am I now?” Instead, coaching can create space for someone to explore their own answers and consider realistic actions that move them towards a life that feels more aligned with what matters to them.

Finding yourself may not mean starting again

Perhaps one of the most reassuring things about finding yourself again is that it doesn't require rejecting the life you've already lived. Different parts of ourselves naturally receive different amounts of attention during different stages of life. There may have been years when responsibility needed to occupy most of the available space.

The next chapter doesn't have to involve becoming a completely different person. It can simply involve becoming curious about which parts of yourself you would now like to give a little more room.

Maybe finding yourself again isn't about becoming somebody new. Maybe it's about making space for the person who's been there all along.