When our conditioning from childhood harms us as adults

'Conditioning' is what we are reinforced to believe as infants and young adults.

Examples of conditioning include: 

• ‘The world is a scary place.’
• ‘Men are all the same.’
• ‘Don’t be an actor, there is no money in it. You want a stable career. An accountant is better.’
• ‘There is no money in the arts.’
• ‘Everyone will break your heart.’
• ‘Protect your heart at all costs.’

They don’t need to be as overt as this. It could be subtle signs of ‘don’t be you.’ A lot of caregivers can see their children as vessels of untapped potential. They can push them to pursue life goals and careers they themselves wanted but for whatever reason, could never do. Or they project fears that are their own. Fears that were also passed down to them and they never thought to question it.

It starts in those first few years of life. We gain a belief system before we can talk actually. That belief system tends to be given to us by caregivers and they aren’t always positive or serve us as adults. It seeps through our pores and we wear it like it’s our own. But, as adults, we can step back and view the ‘whole’ picture. We often realise these messages passed down to us are not our own, but a false projection. It was our caregiver's state of mind at the time but you can choose to let those messages go.

How can a life coach help you uncover that conditioning?

'How is that even possible when I don’t even know?' Life coaches can pick up on the things you don’t say. It often comes through in the silence between the words. The subtle body language. We can also bring the conditioning to light, if there are patterns in your life that repeat over and over and no matter what you do, you can’t stop this loop that serves no purpose but negativity in your life.

It often happens out of our awareness too. A life coach can help extract from the subconscious into the conscious mind, simply because we can observe your thoughts and feelings as an outsider and help you connect the dots you may have never seen before. We can help navigate those difficult and complex limited belief systems and work on replacing them ‘together,’ with a thought process that empowers you.

Some of us fear empowerment though. It can be easier and more comfortable to cling to negativity because it’s all we know. Imagine trying to let go of everything you have ever learnt that has held you back in life. It’s like being asked to take a leap of faith but not knowing where you land. It’s easier to cling to the negative self-limiting beliefs, because we know the results of that. It’s the ‘knowing the end result’ that brings comfort. Even if the result is negative. In the wise words of Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?”

It’s not an overnight process and involves observing internal thoughts and journaling, as well as an active will to change. But if you do commit, it’s a path that will prove fruitful and one that will pay you back in leaps and bounds. Patience is key.