From shame to self-compassion

There’s a problem with ‘self-improvement’. Don’t get me wrong, I love learning and growth, working out how to feel better and relate to each other in happier ways. But there are two key reasons why the concept of ‘self-improvement’ can lead us into unhelpful waters. In this article, I’ll explore the first of those: The relationship between ‘self-improvement’ and shame.

So what is it about the concept of ‘self-improvement’ that can lead to shame?

‘Improving’: A value judgement

There’s a value judgement in ‘self-improvement’, and it’s personal, and that creates the message that we are not enough as we currently are. 

This might sound facetious, but when we say we want to improve ourselves, we imply one version of us is worth more, and another is worth less.  

That we would be better if we could change this thing about ourselves, and that until we do, we are not as good.

This is particularly the case because ‘self-improvement’ looks at improving our entire beings. It’s not just one particular behaviour or skill we’re talking about; it’s our entire self.

And why is this difference so significant?

The whole self: My entire being

Let me explain this with reference to one of the foundations we teach healthcare students when we talk about how to give effective feedback to colleagues: 

Focus on the behaviour, not the person.  

In other words, state your observations in terms of the actions that happened, not in terms of personality or sweeping statements about a person as a whole.

For example, effective feedback might sound like:

‘When I noticed the way you were sat, leaning in, making eye contact and nodding in response to the patient, it felt like you were really listening. When you summarised back, I noticed you using some medical jargon that the patient hadn’t used, and I wondered if that might have been confusing.’

This focuses on behaviour, which is very different from saying something like ‘You’re obviously a kind person, but you’re difficult to understand,’ which turns these specific observations into sweeping statements about them as a whole person.

When it comes to behaviours that we feel insecure about and want to change, the difference between focusing on behaviour vs whole person means the difference between feeling things like guilt, embarrassment or responsibility, versus feeling shame.

When we attach our identity to the behaviours we are not happy with, this leads to the feeling of shame. ‘I’m a bad person’, ‘I’m unworthy’, or ‘I’m not good enough’.

And why does that matter?

What’s the deal with shame?

Well, shame is one of the most painful and difficult-to-shake feelings we experience, where we feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with us. We feel unlovable and expect to be rejected by others.  

Since we’re social animals, and we depend on others for our survival, the fear of being rejected and ostracised runs very deep. And when we feel shame, we often don’t even realise that’s what’s crept up and taken over. And it feels horrible – a consuming feeling of dread, isolation, fear that we’re not enough and that we’re unworthy of love.

On the other hand, when we feel things like guilt, embarrassment or responsibility, we recognise that ‘me as a person’ is separate from ‘my behaviours’.  So while I might feel uncomfortable with those behaviours, I can still know that I am OK as a person. That I don’t need to fear being ostracised.

In other words:

• Guilt/embarrassment/cringe = there’s something icky/wrong in what I’ve done.
• Shame = I am icky/wrong. I am an icky/wrong person.

And it’s hard to get away from the feeling of shame when it’s so closely connected with your sense of self.

And in case you’re thinking that shame might spur us into action, motivating us to change, shame is actually inversely correlated with accountability. In other words, shame makes us less likely to take responsibility and action based on our mistakes.

Personal development from a place of compassion

Instead of seeking to improve ourselves, can we come to our learning and development from a place of compassion?  

Compassion means recognising what’s difficult and providing care in the face of suffering. And a particular flavour of self-compassion, known as fierce self-compassion, can be used to motivate us. Encouragement from feeling understood and supported is a much more effective motivator than feeling inadequate.

And since compassion is the antidote to shame, it helps us to move into a place of self-acceptance, which is the most fertile ground for creating meaningful and lasting change.

Rather than believing that there is something wrong with us that needs to be improved, what if we recognised that we are completely lovable and acceptable, warts and all, exactly as we are now? Freeing ourselves from the anxiety-inducing doom of shame, what if we used compassion instead to spur us forward into the growth and learning that we are seeking?