The three Cs that keep us stuck

There are three habits I see in almost every client I work with, and I recognise all of them in myself. We compare ourselves to other people. We criticise ourselves. And we complain.

Each one feels like it is doing something. Comparing feels like staying realistic about where we stand. Criticising feels like holding ourselves to a high standard. Complaining feels like letting off steam so we can get on with things.

After many hundreds of conversations as a coach and therapist, I've come to see it differently. All three keep us circling a problem rather than moving through it. In this article, I look at each one, why it is so tempting, and what we can do differently.

Comparing

Comparison is deeply human. The psychologist Leon Festinger (1954) argued that when we lack an objective measure of how we're doing, we look sideways at other people to find one. In a world without clear benchmarks for a good career, a good relationship or a good life, that is most of the time.

The trouble is the direction we usually look. Upward comparison, measuring ourselves against people who seem further ahead, can occasionally motivate us when the gap feels bridgeable. More often it simply lowers how we feel about ourselves. One study found that people who used Facebook more frequently had lower self-esteem, and that this was explained by more frequent upward comparisons (Vogel et al., 2014). We are comparing our full, unedited experience against the version of someone else they have chosen to show.

What I notice with clients is that comparison rarely gives us useful information. It answers a question about worth: Am I enough? A more helpful question is about direction: What do I actually want? Envy, uncomfortable as it is, can be a surprisingly good pointer to the second question if we let it.

Criticising

Many high achievers carry a quiet belief that their inner critic is the reason they've got where they are. If they stopped being hard on themselves, they fear they would stop trying altogether.

The evidence points the other way. Paul Gilbert's work on compassion-focused therapy suggests that harsh self-criticism activates the same threat system we use to respond to external danger, leaving us anxious, defensive and less able to think clearly (Gilbert & Procter, 2006). In one well-known set of experiments, people who were encouraged to respond to a failure with self-compassion went on to spend more time studying for a retest than those who were simply given a self-esteem boost or no intervention at all (Breines & Chen, 2012).

Self-compassion, as Kristin Neff (2003) describes it, is not letting yourself off the hook. It means treating your own setbacks with the kindness you'd offer a friend, recognising that struggle is part of being human, and holding painful feelings in awareness without being swept away by them. In parts-based work, I often find the critic is a protective part trying to keep someone safe from rejection or failure (Schwartz, 1995). It usually softens once it's been listened to rather than fought.

Complaining

Complaining has a bad reputation it doesn't entirely deserve. Robin Kowalski (1996) distinguishes between complaints aimed at changing something and complaints that simply express dissatisfaction. A clear complaint to the right person can solve a problem. The repeated, circular kind is a different matter.

The idea that venting releases pressure is surprisingly hard to support. In Brad Bushman's (2002) study, people who vented their anger while thinking about the person who'd provoked them ended up angrier and more aggressive than those who did nothing at all. Going over the same grievance again and again is close to what psychologists call rumination, which is consistently linked to low mood, anxiety and poorer problem-solving (Nolen-Hoeksema et al., 2008).

Complaining together can feel bonding, and it often is. Research on co-rumination, though, shows that friends who repeatedly dwell on problems together feel closer and also more anxious and low (Rose, 2002). The connection is real, but so is the cost.

That doesn't mean our feelings should be pushed away. Frustration, disappointment and resentment usually carry useful information about what we need or what isn't working, and naming them matters. Putting feelings into words has been shown to dampen the brain's threat response (Lieberman et al., 2007).

The aim is to explore and acknowledge what we feel, then notice the point at which talking about a problem stops helping us understand it and starts keeping us inside it. Go over a grievance often enough, and we can end up rehearsing our own powerlessness.

Research on learned helplessness suggests that when we come to believe our actions make no difference, we stop looking for the options that are still open to us (Maier & Seligman, 2016). Complaining has done its job when we feel heard and a little clearer. Past that point, it shrinks the choices we can see.

What they have in common, and what to try instead

All three habits keep our attention fixed on threat: on where we fall short, on what's wrong, on what we can't control. They feel like action, which is exactly why they are so easy to mistake for it. Underneath, they're often ways of managing an uncomfortable feeling without having to act on it.

The shift I find most useful is turning each habit into a question. When you catch yourself comparing, ask what the comparison tells you you want, and whether that want is genuinely yours.

When the inner critic starts up, try speaking to yourself as you would to a colleague you respect. Research on self-distancing suggests that even using your own name in self-talk, rather than "I", helps people think more calmly and clearly under stress (Kross et al., 2014).

When you hear yourself complaining for the third time about the same thing, ask whether you want to accept it, change it, leave it or tolerate it for now. Each of those is a legitimate choice. Staying stuck in the complaint is the only option that doesn't move you anywhere.

None of this is about never comparing, criticising or complaining again. It's about noticing sooner, and choosing what comes next.

References

Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143.

Bushman, B. J. (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Catharsis, rumination, distraction, anger, and aggressive responding. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(6), 724–731.

Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140.

Gilbert, P., & Procter, S. (2006). Compassionate mind training for people with high shame and self-criticism: Overview and pilot study of a group therapy approach. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 13(6), 353–379.

Kowalski, R. M. (1996). Complaints and complaining: Functions, antecedents, and consequences. Psychological Bulletin, 119(2), 179–196.

Kross, E., Bruehlman-Senecal, E., Park, J., Burson, A., Dougherty, A., Shablack, H., Bremner, R., Moser, J., & Ayduk, O. (2014). Self-talk as a regulatory mechanism: How you do it matters. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 304–324.

Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428.

Maier, S. F., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2016). Learned helplessness at fifty: Insights from neuroscience. Psychological Review, 123(4), 349–367.

Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.

Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(5), 400–424.

Rose, A. J. (2002). Co-rumination in the friendships of girls and boys. Child Development, 73(6), 1830–1843.

Schwartz, R. C. (1995). Internal Family Systems Therapy. Guilford Press.

Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222.