The power of 'no'

Conflict comes in many forms and guises, and yet one of the most common and often overlooked forms of conflict is within ourselves.

There’s a word in the English language that creates huge conflict in people, and that word is should. How often have you told yourself, “I should do this”, “I should do more of that”, “I should be better”, “I should be nicer”? The list goes on and on.

It is an insidious word to say the least. It doesn’t allow for respite or circumstances. It hangs over us like a sword, waiting for us to trip or fall. On the other hand, a much-maligned word is the little two-letter word, no.

When we do give ourselves permission to use it, we often associate it with guilt. Will people like me if I say no? Will I be a much better person if I say yes?

Before long, we are furiously trying to keep up with the yeses we’ve committed ourselves to, while the sword of should hangs over us.

There is a power to saying “no” that offers reprieve and space to be who we want to be. It allows us to look at what we are doing and choose from a place of acceptance. It allows us to take control of our life and situations, and can define us by what we are willing to say no to, as much as by what we are willing to say yes to.

Find that place of peace and generosity towards yourself, where saying no to that “should” is liberating and OK. Of course, saying no to moving off train tracks when a train is coming is not something that is going to prolong your life.

However, if those same train tracks are the ones that you’re hurtling along without seemingly being able to control it, then saying no and feeling good about it will slow that train down and allow you to get off and look at the destination on the front of it. Then you can ask the question: is that where I really want to go?

In my work with clients, I will often get to a point where I ask them, “Where are you saying yes instead of no?” and “What does it cost you?” It’s an interesting place to look.

If you think they are worthwhile questions, you may want to spend some time exploring them for yourself.