Unmasking the control-anxiety connection

When life feels uncertain, it’s understandable to look for things we can control. Planning ahead, being prepared and knowing what comes next can all help us feel more secure. But what happens when that need for certainty starts creating more pressure than reassurance?

Perhaps you find yourself trying to plan for every possible outcome. Maybe you struggle to delegate, find changes of plan particularly stressful or spend a lot of time worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.

For some people, anxiety and a need for control can become closely connected. The more uncertain we feel, the more we may try to create certainty. And when life inevitably refuses to follow the plan, those anxious feelings can return.

Recognising this pattern isn’t about giving up control altogether. Instead, it can help us understand where our influence begins and ends, and where we might benefit from allowing a little more flexibility.

Why do we want to feel in control?

There are lots of reasons why uncertainty can feel uncomfortable. Maybe you’re worried about making a mistake or disappointing someone. Maybe you’re afraid of being judged, failing or simply not knowing what will happen next.

When these fears come up, trying to take control can feel reassuring. You might double-check your work, plan several steps ahead, take responsibility for things yourself or avoid situations where you can’t predict the outcome. Some of these behaviours can of course  be useful. Being organised, prepared and responsible are valuable qualities but the difficulty comes when we start feeling responsible for outcomes that aren’t entirely ours to control.

Think about something that’s worrying you at the moment. What are you trying to control? And what are you afraid might happen if you can’t?

Sometimes, simply asking these questions can help us understand what’s really sitting beneath our need for certainty.

When control starts creating pressure

A need for control can show up in different areas of our lives.

• At work: You might struggle to delegate because you’re worried something will go wrong. You may repeatedly check your work, feel uncomfortable when plans change or put pressure on yourself to anticipate every possible problem.
• In relationships: You might find uncertainty difficult in a different way. Perhaps you want to know exactly where you stand, how someone feels or what the future of the relationship looks like. When another person behaves in a way you didn’t expect, you may find yourself worrying about what it means.

You might also notice a desire to control how you feel. When anxiety, disappointment or vulnerability appear, the instinct can be to push those feelings away. As we all know too well by now, our emotions don’t always follow instructions. Sometimes acknowledging that an uncomfortable feeling is there can be more helpful than putting pressure on yourself to make it go away

What can you actually control?

When everything feels uncertain, it can be useful to separate what you can influence from what you can’t.

You may not be able to guarantee the outcome you want. Very few of us can. But you may be able to prepare, communicate, make a decision or take one small step forward and sometimes, that is enough to ease your anxieties and keep moving forward. 

If you notice yourself getting caught up in ‘what if?’ thoughts, consider bringing your attention back to what you know right now. What needs your attention today? Is there something useful you can do? If there isn’t, could you give yourself permission to leave the question unanswered for a little while?

This can feel uncomfortable, particularly if you’re used to planning ahead or solving problems quickly. You don’t need to suddenly become comfortable with every unknown. But you could start trying to loosen that grip - maybe by delegating a task without checking every detail in progress, making a decision without researching every possible option or allowing somebody else to choose the plan, and sticking with it. 

Small moments like these can give us an opportunity to notice what comes up and reflect on whether we really need as much control as we thought.

How can coaching help with control and uncertainty?

If a need for certainty is keeping you stuck, coaching can offer space to explore what’s going on. It might be that you’re facing a career decision and are worried about making the wrong choice. Maybe perfectionism is making it difficult to complete something because it never feels quite good enough. Or you could find yourself spending so much time considering every possible outcome, that taking action feels impossible.

A coach can help you step back from the situation, explore the assumptions behind your worries and identify what is genuinely within your control.

Rather than giving you the answer, coaching can help you clarify what matters to you, consider your options and decide what your next step might look like, even when you can’t be completely certain about the outcome.

Learning to loosen our grip on control doesn’t mean we stop caring about what happens. It simply means recognising that we can’t plan for every possibility. Sometimes, the question isn’t ‘How can I make sure everything goes to plan?’ but ‘If it doesn’t, can I trust myself to work out what comes next?’

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