The MindingMe Guide to Becoming More Assertive

Assertiveness is about maintaining our sense of self-worth and learning to stand up for ourselves and voice our opinions and feelings clearly and respectfully, whilst also regarding the rights of others.

Why do we struggle to be assertive?

When a situation feels threatening or confrontational, our stress response can make calm, considered communication more difficult. We may find ourselves becoming confrontational, withdrawing or struggling to say what we really mean.

The good news is that there are a number of things we can do to change our behavioural response and choose assertion over aggression or submission. The following techniques can help us manage our behaviour more effectively.

9 ways to communicate more assertively

1. Be clear in your own mind about what you want to say

If you are not used to being assertive, it can be helpful to really think about what you want to say to the other person and the key message you want to get across.

Sometimes people find it helpful to practise this with a friend or in front of a mirror first. When you need to be assertive, pause for thought before you say or do anything.

2. Watch your language

The language we use is important when we want to ensure our communication is assertive. Take ownership, avoid blaming others and build cooperation by using words and terms such as ‘I’, ‘and’, ‘we ’, and ‘together’.

Notice whether you automatically apologise when you haven’t actually done anything wrong. Own your thoughts and feelings and don’t be afraid to state your needs clearly and confidently.

3. Take a moment to breathe

If you are feeling anxious at the thought of being assertive, taking a moment to notice and steady your breathing may help you feel more settled before responding.

Pay attention to your tone and pace. When we’re anxious, we may speak more quickly than usual. Give yourself permission to slow down and take a moment before responding.

4. Notice the messages you give yourself

The way we think about an interaction can influence how we approach it. If you tell yourself ‘the other person is nasty’ and that ‘it’s all going to turn out really bad’, notice whether those assumptions are affecting your own behaviour.

If you enter a conversation expecting the other person to be hostile, ask yourself whether you know that for certain and whether there is a more balanced way to approach the situation.

Remind yourself that you can communicate your position clearly without needing to control how the other person responds.

5. Get the other person's attention

If you want to assert yourself, where possible, choose an appropriate moment and ensure you have the other person’s attention before raising your concerns.

For example, if you want to make a complaint in a shop, wait until you have the shop assistant’s attention rather than shouting at them when they are busy with another task.

6. Acknowledge the other person's point of view

Start by reflecting an understanding of the other person’s position. Using positive language and acknowledging their position can encourage dialogue rather than confrontation.

For example, if your manager has imposed an unrealistic deadline on you, you could acknowledge their position by saying:

‘The work we are doing now is for our biggest client, and I appreciate your concern that we get the project complete on time.’

7. State your own position

It is important to follow this by stating your own position. For example:

‘However, even if I work solely on this project, the timescale is unachievable if we are to produce good-quality work.’

Acknowledging another person’s position does not mean you have to agree with it. Assertiveness allows you to recognise their view while still expressing your own.

8. Offer a solution

Sometimes it is difficult to think of an alternative solution; however, the outcome of your interaction may be more constructive if you think about what could be done next.

Where appropriate, suggest an alternative or invite the other person to work with you on a solution.

9. Mind your body language

Using appropriate body language can also support assertive communication.

Aim for body language that feels open and comfortable to you. Where appropriate, use natural eye contact and be mindful of gestures or posture that could unintentionally make the interaction feel more confrontational.

Being assertive can help you work towards the outcome you want in a measured way. It is a useful negotiating and communication skill.

Practising assertive communication may help you feel more confident about expressing your needs, views and boundaries while still respecting those of other people.