The four phases of overcoming narcissistic abuse

Abuse always leads to trauma: a psychological, emotional response to an event or an experience that is deeply distressing or disturbing. Trauma is usually settling into the body (The body keeps the score, Wessel van der Kolk) and can cause physical discomfort, such as backpain, headache, digestive issues, sleep difficulties and more. 

Narcissistic abuse is a repeated and prolonged form of chronic trauma and often causes PTSD and hypervigilance. Recovering from this trauma can be a long process and is often most successful with the support of professionals. 

My own experience of overcoming narcissistic abuse from my mother showed me the four phases that I now recognise in my clients who are on a similar journey. Before victims of emotional abuse start their recovery, they are in survival mode. Adapting their behaviour to the demands of the abuser (a fawn response to stress), questioning themselves and feeling powerless. 

Phase 1: Shock and disbelief

During this phase, the realisation kicks in that you have been abused. There is surprise about yourself, shame to admit the situation and a general upset. There is no cognitive processing, just overwhelm and devastation. There is also an element of disbelief: ‘Did that really happen? Am I overreacting? Am I wrong? Was it really that bad? Am I the one in the wrong?’ These questions will pop up throughout the whole recovery process.

Phase 2: Learning

During this phase, you start to learn about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and narcissistic traits. You learn how what you accepted as ‘normal’ behaviour is actually unacceptable as there is disrespect, gaslighting and dishonesty. You also learn about how you personally are affected by the abuse. 

During this phase, emotions are heightened. Often anger and hate play up. After a while,e these might be joined or replaced by sadness. 

As a victim, you will talk about your experiences with a limited number of people, as there are still feelings of disbelief (Did this really happen to me?) hope (Is there a way to repair the relationship?) or shame (‘I can’t believe I let that happen’). And you intuitively know that only a few people might understand. Or your experiences haven’t been validated by the people you shared this with: ‘It can’t be that bad. I experience your narcissist as a nice person.’ And it feels like you have to defend yourself.

During this phase, it is beneficial to start writing about past and current experiences as a tool for understanding what has actually happened. There will be ‘Aha’ moments when you learn to see events from a different perspective and apply your knowledge of narcissism. 

Phase 3: Understanding and making sense

The knowledge about the abuse, the roles of abuser and enabler, the dynamics of manipulation and the effect of exploitation are helping you to reach a level of understanding. Rational and emotional processing is happening, and you are doing more research into the essence of the abuse and how to deal with it. Often the narcissists are still around you, which makes it important to look for ways on how to deal with them, and staying safe and sane.

This is the time to reach out to people who have experienced similar abuse and finding others to talk to and share experiences with.  It is comforting to know you are not alone. It helps the healing process. 

Phase 4: Accepting and integrating

In the recovery process, you will jump regularly between the different phases, depending on the mood of the day or events, such as phone calls or invitations. This can last a long time. But ultimately, most people will get to a place where they are able to emotionally distance themselves from the abusive experiences and even be in touch with their narcissist without being affected too much. The history of abuse becomes nothing more than a story, which they can share and even laugh about. 

When you go through a process like described above, you have learned life lessons, which are integrated with how you operate in the world and have become stronger and wiser people for it.