The foundations of a healthy relationship

We hear so much about red flags, relationships that go wrong, are toxic and that are not fulfilling or thriving, but what about healthy relationships? Below, we explore what I believe are some of the key components of healthy relationships and tips on how we can try to achieve them.

It is worth noting that healthy relationships are not measured by longevity, as you can have a brief encounter with someone, but it can be the most amazing, healthy, enlivening experience, or you can be with someone for 30+ years and be the most lonely, sad and unfulfilled version of yourself with no connection to your partner.

What are healthy relationships?

When we are dating or in a relationship with someone, whether long-term or not, we should feel secure and safe. The behaviour from each partner should be consistent, rather than chaotic and unpredictable, and we should feel like we are both pulling in the same direction. 

Two people coming together romantically bring their own history, traumas, their own ‘maps of the world’, which make them who they are. In an ideal world, both individuals would be far enough away from their last relationship that the raw emotions have been processed and subsided, they have done some reflection and growth from past relationships, and they are generally feeling good about themselves.

What I mean by this is that they have a good level of self-worth, value themselves and have rebuilt their self-esteem. We should not be looking for someone else to fill a void within us, to make us feel ‘whole’ or ‘complete’ or to help us get over an ex. These approaches often do not lead to the best outcomes.

Physical intimacy and emotional intimacy are both important components of healthy relationships, although there are plenty of relationships that continue without one or even both of these things.

Foundations of a healthy relationship

Authenticity

This is quite simply about being yourself and being able to express your needs and feelings to your partner. This can be incredibly difficult for many of us, often due to low levels of self-worth, self-doubt, past trauma, a huge fear of rejection or fear of our partner’s reaction to our true needs and emotions, particularly if we have been in abusive relationships in the past. Someone can only get to know the parts of us that we show them, so if we keep most of our true selves behind walls, then they will never get to know those bits of us. 

In order to be authentic, we need to understand our core needs and be able to express them. Many of us are people-pleasers and abandon our needs in order to keep the peace or not upset others. Being authentic takes vulnerability, and this can be frightening for many of us, but without this, it can have an impact on our emotional connection with our partner.

Trust

Trust might seem obvious, in terms of thinking about betrayal, affairs and cheating, but it is so much more than this. Trust builds over time with consistency of words and actions. Trust in relationships is also about whether we feel safe to be our imperfect selves and not feel we have to change who we are to be accepted or loved.

It is about trusting that your partner will not judge, ridicule or punish you for being honest and expressing your needs and emotions. You need to trust your partner to be able to be truthful, even if they may not like what you have to say to them.

Respect

Respect affects all areas of relationships and is fundamental, no matter what else is going on. Respect is in the small things, such as how we speak to each other, the tone of voice that we use, how we handle and resolve conflict, and how we talk about our partner when they are not present. Disagreements are natural parts of healthy relationships, but it is not about becoming adversaries. You can fall out with each other and still remain respectful.

Self-respect is also important in relationships, for example, are we accepting behaviours from our partner that are not good, toxic or abusive; are we able to set healthy boundaries to show others how to treat us?

Open and honest communication

In my experience, you cannot communicate too much with your partner – even the better communicators amongst us could still work on it. Communication is not about ‘talking a lot’, either. I hear this from clients often: “We are great communicators because we talk all the time”. You can talk a lot but really say nothing at all. Can you communicate about the deeper issues, the areas you disagree, about your needs and emotions, about sex, without feeling shame or being defensive? 

What about listening, which is a key part of successful communication? Listening is not just about needing to reply to someone; it is about trying to understand each other, and sometimes the person talking does not need or want a response to be given by the listener.

Being present is key to successful communication and, therefore, connection with our partner. Keep distractions away, pick a good time to talk, spend the time trying to understand and connect with each other with body language like eye contact and facing your partner when you are trying to communicate with each other.

Some destructive communication patterns that can creep into relationships are:

• Mind-reading: People are not mind-readers, and we should not expect them to know what we need or how we feel. Tell them.
• Hinting: Our partners will not just ‘get it’ if we are subtle with gestures or signs. Be clear – clarity is required so there is no ambiguity, and we can mutually try to meet each other’s needs.
• Silence and shutdown: This can become the default position when we do not feel heard, are in abusive relationships, our needs are regularly ignored and belittled, or we are mocked and judged for what we express to our partners.

Team work

When both partners contribute to the relationship, then they stand a better chance of thriving. One person cannot carry or repair a relationship single-handed. Collaboration is key and should be reciprocal without feeling like you are ‘in debt’ to each other. Doing things for each other because you want to and because you are both working towards the same outcome is vital. One-upmanship should be avoided, and the outcome you achieve by working together and pulling in the same direction will be far greater than if you were trying to do it alone.

Effort

We tend to be full of effort in the early days of dating and relationships – organising dates, taking care with how we show up, and giving compliments to our partner. However, this can wane over time in longer relationships. It’s not about grand gestures – it’s the small things that connect us, like being kind, appreciating the other person, supporting them and being their biggest cheerleader, the small pat on the arm when passing them in the kitchen. All these small signs of ‘effort’ keep us connected to our partners.

Why does all this matter?

We should feel safe and secure in our relationships. This comes from trust, respect, open and honest communication, effort and teamwork. If we feel safe and secure, then we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and show more of ourselves to our partners – be authentic. Vulnerability enables us to build closer connections on a physical and emotional level with our partners, and this gives the ideal foundations for healthier relationships.