Self-esteem: Is it what you think?

Most people think self-esteem means feeling good about yourself, and in some ways it is. However, I very often notice that it's never as clear-cut as this. In my experience, we can be confident in some areas and not others. We can feel confident in things we have never really considered whether we're skilled at, and then feel not good enough where we're extremely qualified. Does this match your experience too? 

That’s because self-esteem isn’t about how loud your voice is in meetings, how many compliments you get, or how perfect your Instagram looks. It’s about how you feel when you’re alone with yourself. The quiet moments. The decisions you make when no one’s watching.

So, what is self-esteem really?

Psychologists define it as the overall sense of value or worth we place on ourselves. It’s the answer to questions like:

• Do I believe I matter?
• Do I trust myself?
• Do I like who I am, even when I get it wrong?

Self-esteem isn’t a switch you flick. It’s a relationship with yourself. It's about how well you can look after yourself. And like any relationship, it can be strained, neglected, or repaired.

Where does it come from?

It usually starts in childhood. Maybe you were encouraged and supported. Maybe you were criticised, ignored, or taught to keep your head down. Over time, we all internalise stories about who we are and what we’re worth.

And those stories stick. You might have learned:

• “I’m only worthy if I achieve.”
• “If I disagree, people will leave.”
• “I have to fix everyone else to be loved.”

They’re just beliefs, but they feel like truth, and because they "feel" so real, they can quietly run the show even if your CV looks great and you seem “together” to everyone else.

How low self-esteem shows up (even in high achievers)

Low self-esteem doesn’t always look like low confidence. It can show up as:

• Saying yes when you mean no.
• Needing external validation to feel OK.
• Overthinking everything you said after a conversation.
• Struggling to take a compliment.
• Feeling like a fraud, even with years of experience.

If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not broken. You’re human. Most people struggle with this stuff; they just don’t talk about it.

Why it matters

Self-esteem shapes how you show up. It affects your career decisions, your boundaries, your relationships, and your emotional resilience. When you believe you’re worthy, everything changes, not because life gets easier, but because you stop abandoning yourself in hard moments.

Studies show people with healthier self-esteem tend to have better mental health, more satisfying relationships, and more realistic goals. Not perfect lives. Just better foundations.

Can you strengthen self-esteem?

Yes. But it’s not about repeating affirmations in the mirror. Real self-esteem work means:

• Spotting the beliefs that limit you.
• Learning to respond to yourself with compassion instead of criticism.
• Building trust in yourself by taking small, aligned actions.
• Getting curious about the parts of you that still feel stuck.

How can coaching help?

We often only know we have self-esteem when it's put to the test. Working with a coach can help you identify practical actions and ways to build your self-esteem. This might be finding very practical ways to push the boundaries that you've set for yourself in a workplace, or it might be about exploring how to have a difficult conversation, which you might have previously shied away from. 

Equally, a coach can help you process and talk through experiences which may have previously impacted your self-esteem and that have led you to forget your inherent worth or value. 

Working with a coach or another qualified professional can help because there are often lots of emotions tied up in feelings of self-worth and our inner monologue, as well as a lot of assumptions. Working with a coach gives you the space to process and dig into some of the assumptions that might have been made that no longer need to impact you. 

If that resonates, it could be time to work with a professional.