Overworking: what does enough look like?

I'm surprised at how many people are still addicted to work. What surprises me most is how work comes first, before anything else. It takes up most of their mental space. Everything in the calendar revolves around it. It's all they talk about.

When work starts taking over your life

I used to admire this work ethic in others. I believed in it myself. And for some people it's important, and I respect that. It can energise you and give you a deep sense of satisfaction. Until it becomes an addiction.

There's a reason it's so hard to stop. Work pays out a bit like a slot machine. Not every late night, email or deal brings a win. But some do, and you never know which ones. Researchers at the University of Nottingham found that unpredictable rewards like this keep people working long after it stops making sense. Our brain's dopamine system drives the wanting, even when we're not really enjoying it anymore.

A lot of the men I work with find it incredibly hard to drop the work ball at the beginning. One of them is very successful on paper, but his work is 24/7. It's the first and last thing he does every day. Ironically, he built it to give himself flexibility and freedom. Instead, it demands everything. His time, his energy and his health. Even on holiday, he's still answering calls, still suffocated by it.

He's waiting for things to get better before he puts himself first. That day will be a long time coming. Slowly but surely, things are improving. It's not easy, but how could it be with such ingrained thinking? If that's all you've done and all you've been taught, it takes deep work to change.

Recognising the cost of overworking

I know, because I used to be that person. Until I got my reckoning.

I pushed so hard that my body broke. I ended up in a critical condition with pneumonia. I was so fatigued I couldn't catch my breath. I lost most of my muscle mass and had no strength to do anything. It was without a doubt the worst time of my life, and my family suffered too.

And even then, lying there, I was thinking, I need to get well so I can get back to work. I went back three months later when I should have taken six. I was still too conditioned. Still addicted to work.

My employer made it clear I was just a number. All the late nights, the weekends, the extra projects weren't valued the way I'd expected. Not their fault. Mine. I wanted more for myself, so I tried really hard. But the cost was too high.

You don't need to end up in hospital to notice the warning signs. Here are some of the patterns I see most often, in myself back then and in the men I work with now:

• Work is the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing at night.
• You check emails on holiday, at the dinner table or in bed.
• Rest feels like guilt, not recovery.
• You keep saying it'll calm down after the next deadline or deal, but it never does.
• Your body is sending signals, and you keep overriding them, such as poor sleep, constant tiredness, and getting ill as soon as you stop.
• You've quietly dropped the things you used to enjoy.
• The people closest to you have stopped asking when you'll be home.

If a few of these sound familiar, that's not a judgement. It's information. And it's worth paying attention to before your body decides for you.

Redefining what success means to you

So what changed for me? I started looking for help in lots of different places. The most important thing I learnt was the mind-body connection. I couldn't heal one without the other. Therapy helped too. It highlighted how I was thinking and what needed to change.

I wanted to get better, and becoming a coach taught me how. I actually did it for me. The more I studied, the more I understood that the choices we make to think differently and take action were crucial. Healthy mind, healthy body and all that!

My real recovery is still ongoing 11 years later. There's no miracle in my story, just a long road back to full health. That was hard, because I've always been a fighter. A doer. Stubborn. But it's taught me humility, patience and gratitude. It's taught me not to please others by working more. And it's taught me that comparing myself to others is a fool's game.

My version of success isn't based on work achievements anymore. It's based on my health, enjoying every little moment with my family and everything life has to offer outside work. I don't try to stand out now. I try to float.

Your version will be different from mine. That's the point. But it helps to ask yourself a few honest questions:

• What did success mean to you ten years ago? Does that still fit?
• Whose definition of success are you really chasing? Yours, a parent's, your industry's?
• What are you aiming for, and why does it matter to you?
• What would enough actually look like? Be specific. A number, a role, a way of living.

Write the answers down. Then notice the gap between what you say matters and where your time actually goes. That gap is where the work is.

Finding a healthier work-life balance

These days I fit work into my diary around my priorities, not the other way round. Health, fun and learning new things come first. I know I could earn more and be more 'successful', but I'm happy keeping things narrow. Not too many hours. I choose when I work.

What I rarely give up is the good stuff. The walks, the surfing, the tennis, the phone calls to loved ones, the concerts, making chocolate, planning holidays. It's not extravagant. I have more balance because I make the boring choices sometimes and because I don't push anymore.

If you want to start shifting the balance, you don't need to overhaul your life overnight. Small, steady changes stick better. A few that can work:

• Put your non-negotiables in the diary first. Family time, exercise, rest. Then fit work around them.
• Choose an end to your working day and protect it. Put your phone in another room if you need to.
• Start small. One evening a week, or one morning at the weekend, with no work at all.
• Notice the urge. When you reach for the laptop out of hours, pause and ask what you're hoping it will give you. Reassurance? Control? A way to avoid something else?
• Reflect regularly. Once a week, look back at how you spent your time and energy. See if any patterns keep showing up.

Expect it to feel uncomfortable at first. If work has been your main source of worth for years, stepping back can feel like falling behind. It isn't. It's making room for the rest of your life.

How coaching can help you reassess your priorities

Changing deeply ingrained habits on your own is hard. Most of us can't see our own patterns clearly when we're right in the middle of them. I couldn't.

That's where coaching can help. A good coach won't tell you what to do. They'll give you space to step back, ask the questions you've been avoiding and look at the beliefs sitting underneath the behaviour. Things like "if I slow down, I'll lose everything" or "I'm only worth what I achieve". Once you can see those clearly, you can start to choose differently. And having someone in your corner makes it easier to keep going when old habits pull you back.

I still have a coach myself. That investment keeps me healthy. And that matters to me. At 51, I'm genuinely excited about the future, because I have a clear picture of what's important and how I want to live. I strive for peace, contentment and flow. That's the work now.

My story isn't special, and my path isn't for everyone. But before you push too hard for too long, ask yourself why you're really doing it. And ask yourself this. When you're near the end, what do you think you'll wish you'd done more of? More work? I very much doubt it.

Recovery starts with recognition. Noticing it is the first step.

References

Corgnet, Gächter and Hernán González (2020), Working Too Much for Too Little: docs.iza.org/dp12992.pdf

Andreassen et al. (2016), PLOS ONE: doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0152978