How to say no assertively

Most of us have found it hard to refuse a request at some point in our lives. How about you?

• Do you find it hard to say “no” to your colleagues, partner, family or friends?
• Does your gut secretly say “no” to the request, while your mouth opens and says “yes”?
• Do you then stress about how to get out of the corner you’ve got yourself into?
  All this because it’s so hard to say “no” assertively and effectively.

What stops you from saying no?

You may find it easier to say no to some people than to others. The difficulty arises when you agree, for yourself or others, to do things that leave you feeling uncomfortable, unhappy or pressured to cope with more than you can do. You may feel imposed on or put upon.

The inability to refuse an unwelcome request politely and clearly can also cause you to lose your work-life balance.

Here are ten common reasons

1. Feeling guilty, mean or selfish.
2. Feeling you won’t be liked.
3. A sense of obligation.
4. Not wanting to rock the boat.
5. Fear it will be held against you.
6. Being too worn out or tired to assert yourself.
7. You’ve always said “yes” to the request, so it’s hard to change the pattern.
8. Not knowing how to say no.
9. Feeling you do not have the right to say no, especially to someone who has authority over you.
10. Feeling unsure when someone has professional or specific expertise, such as a lawyer, doctor, teacher, car mechanic or hairdresser.

Ways you say no

So, when you get that unreasonable or unwanted request, what do you say or do?

• Say yes, for fear of upsetting them or getting a barrage back.
• Pull a face.
• Make excuses, such as “I’m going out”.
• Say “I don’t mind”.
• Try to make them feel guilty so they’ll withdraw their request.
• Say “I’ll think about it” as a form of avoidance, without any indication of when you’ll give an answer.
• Say “yes”, then sabotage it by not doing it, so they won’t risk asking you again, while also placing a strain on the relationship.

Your assertive right to refuse

Here are five assertive personal rights to help you have courage and confidence to say no, or ask for time to think about the request. They can also give you permission to change your mind if you don’t say “no” in the first place.

• I have the right to define my own limits, look after my needs and say “no”. You don’t always need to look after others’ needs before your own. Find a comfortable and honest balance.
• I have the right to ask for time to think before I agree, disagree or make a decision. You don’t have to respond instantly if you’re unsure, but if you ask for time, ensure that you also say when you’ll get back to the person. It gives both you and them a deadline.
• I have the right to reconsider and change my mind. If you say “yes” at the time and then regret it, you can change your mind, but don’t leave it to the eleventh hour.
  I have the right to refuse responsibility for other people’s problems if I so choose. You are responsible to, but not for, others, unless they are your dependants.
• I have the right to relate to people without being dependent on them for approval. The most common reason people cite for being unable to say “no” is the fear of losing approval, but is it reasonable to expect everyone to approve of everything you do or don’t do? If you try, you’ll end up running around in circles, trying to please everyone except yourself.

These assertive rights are not a selfish recipe. We all have these rights, and sometimes people will say no to us too. Assertiveness involves good listening, empathy, self-respect and mutual respect.

The skills to say no

Once you feel you have the right to say “no”, there is the question of how to say it. These core skills can help your confidence and spontaneity in saying “no”:

• Recognise when you want to say “no” and avoid knee-jerk reactions to try to please.
• Be clear and specific. Say “no” or “I don’t want…”, not “can’t”, “possibly” or “perhaps”.
• Use assertive body language. Be clear, speak up without shouting and maintain eye contact.
• Empathise. Show that you understand the other person’s point of view. For example, “I can understand you want the groundwork to be done soon, but I don’t want to start anything new this week.”
• Self-disclosure. If difficult feelings get in the way of saying no, self-disclose them. For example, “I feel awkward refusing, but I don’t want to start a new project this week.” You can also self-disclose your feelings about the effect of the request. For example, “I’d feel pressured if I began the next project while I’m finalising the details on this one, and I feel it could adversely affect it.”
• Benefits. Explain the benefits. For example, “If I start the project next week, I can give it my undivided attention.”
• Negative enquiry. Check whether your refusal presents a real problem. For example, “What problems do you envisage if I start next week rather than this week?”
• Question assertively. Ask questions to try to resolve any difficulties. For example, “What do you think we could usefully do in the meantime?”
• If you are undecided about the request, be clear and specific. For example, “I’m not sure. I’d like to think it over. I’ll call you on Tuesday at 2 pm and let you know. I trust this is OK for you?”
• If all else fails, remember you have the right to change your mind. For example, “I know I agreed to start the project in mid-September, but I now realise it isn’t practicable and I’d like to start in October. I’ve worked out a timeline, and I’ll be able to complete it in good time.”

In summary

The assertive right to say no does not mean you become selfishly absorbed by your own needs. It empowers you to consider others’ needs in relation to your own. This means that you can be clear and honest about what you can and want to do, and what you do and don’t want others to do.

There are many positive consequences of a polite, assertive refusal, since everyone knows where they stand and it is a key factor in enhancing your self-respect.