Using emotional intelligence to ask for a pay rise

Discovering that a colleague earns more than you do can be difficult to process. Whether the information is accurate or based on workplace rumours, it's natural for emotions to surface.

An article published in the Financial Times explored this very scenario, highlighting how our initial reaction is often driven more by emotion than by reason.

Our first reaction isn't always our best one

For some people, the instinctive response is to "kick the door down" and confront the situation head-on.

Others may take a more passive-aggressive approach, complaining to colleagues, becoming resentful or expressing frustration to everyone except the person who can actually influence the outcome.

Although these behaviours look very different, they are often driven by the same underlying response.

Understanding the fight-or-flight response

When we feel threatened, our brain activates the fight-or-flight response.

In this situation, the perceived threat may not be physical; it may be a feeling of unfairness, rejection or being undervalued.

Our emotional brain works incredibly quickly, preparing us to protect ourselves. While this response has helped humans survive for thousands of years, it is not always the most helpful reaction during workplace conversations.

This is why people sometimes describe the emotional brain as overriding rational thought.

Emotion isn't the enemy

That doesn't mean emotions are bad. You could even think of emotion as "energy in motion." Our emotional responses often provide remarkable strength, focus and determination when we need them most.

Stories of parents performing extraordinary acts to protect their children illustrate just how powerful these instinctive responses can be.

The challenge is not to suppress emotion but to understand it and use it wisely.

Emotional intelligence at work

The Financial Times offered some simple advice:

"Use your emotion rather than letting it use you."

This aligns closely with Daniel Goleman's concept of Emotional Intelligence (EI). Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand and manage your emotions while responding effectively to the emotions of others.

Developing emotional intelligence helps us respond thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively.

Preparing for a salary conversation

If you're considering asking for a pay rise, preparation is essential.

Rather than relying on assumptions or workplace gossip:

• Gather the facts.
• Understand your contribution.
• Research market salaries.
• Prepare clear examples of the value you bring.
• Decide what outcome you're hoping to achieve.

Entering the conversation calmly allows you to present a logical, evidence-based case instead of an emotional reaction.

Focus on constructive questions

Good negotiations are built on curiosity rather than confrontation.

Questions such as:

• "What would I need to achieve to reach that salary level?"
• "What skills or responsibilities would strengthen my case?"
• "What would success look like over the next six months?"

Can often generate far more productive conversations than simply demanding a pay rise.

If an immediate salary increase isn't possible, consider discussing other benefits, such as additional annual leave, flexible working or professional development opportunities.

Emotional intelligence is a skill you can learn

Many people assume emotional intelligence takes years to develop. While self-awareness certainly grows over time, these skills can also be learnt, practised and strengthened through coaching.

Learning how to recognise emotional triggers, regulate your responses and communicate confidently can improve not only salary negotiations but many other aspects of work and life.

Confidence comes from preparation

Asking for a pay rise isn't simply about earning more money. It's about recognising your value, communicating it effectively and approaching important conversations with confidence and professionalism.

By staying calm, gathering evidence and managing your emotions, you're far more likely to achieve a positive outcome. While it's always worth raising the bar to increase your salary, it's equally important to remember that emotional intelligence often becomes your greatest advantage.