Improving communication in relationships

Good communication sits at the heart of every healthy relationship, yet it’s something so many of us find challenging. Misunderstandings happen easily, and rather than looking at how clearly we’re expressing ourselves, we often place the blame on the other person. Unclear communication can quietly create tension, conflict and emotional distance. By learning how communication really works and the patterns that shape it, we can strengthen our relationships, resolve conflict with more ease and deepen our understanding of each other.

One approach that can help us do this is Transactional Analysis (TA). TA gives us a practical way to understand the different ways we show up in conversations. It helps us recognise our own communication patterns and those of others, so we can respond with more awareness, compassion and balance.

Understanding Transactional Analysis (TA)

Transactional Analysis was developed by psychologist Dr Eric Berne as a way to understand how people interact and relate to one another. It’s built around the idea that we all operate from three different ego states: the Parent, Adult, and Child, and that our communication shifts between them depending on the situation. The ego state we’re in often determines how others respond to us, creating particular dynamics in our relationships.

Let’s explore these three states.

Parent

This state is formed through the messages, beliefs and behaviours we absorbed from our parents, caregivers and authority figures growing up. It has two sides:

Controlling Parent: critical, directive and often authoritative.
Nurturing Parent: caring, protective and supportive.

Adult

The Adult state is calm, objective and rooted in the present moment. It helps us see things clearly, draw on facts from a place of awareness so we can respond thoughtfully and rationally, rather than reactively. This is where reason, awareness and balance live.

Child

This state represents our emotions; our playful side, our creativity and our instinctive reactions, which are often shaped by our early childhood experiences. This ego state also has two sides:

Adaptive Child: tends to comply or rebel in response to external expectations.
Free Child: open, playful, spontaneous and expressive.

Understanding these states helps us recognise which part of ourselves is leading the conversation and how that affects our connection with others. When we bring awareness to how we communicate, we create space for more grounded, empathetic and constructive exchanges, allowing our interactions and relationships to flow with greater understanding and balance.

Recognising ego states in others (and ourselves)

Everyone expresses these ego states differently. Some people naturally communicate from a more directive “Parent” energy, while others express the playfulness or sensitivity of the “Child.” None of these states are “wrong” because each serves a purpose and has value. However, challenges often surface when two people communicate from mismatched ego states, which can easily lead to tension or conflict.

You can start noticing which ego state someone might be communicating from by asking:

• What kind of words are they using?
• What emotions or tone are present?
• What does their body language say?
• How do they usually show up in similar situations?

Just as importantly, ask these same questions of yourself!

• Am I reacting or responding?
• Am I calm and grounded, or emotionally charged?

When we take a moment to notice our own state, we create the opportunity to shift the dynamic and communicate more clearly and compassionately.

Using TA to improve communication

Once we understand the role ego states play, we can start to shift our conversations toward healthier patterns. Awareness allows us to pause and choose to move from reaction to response. By recognising both our own state and the other person’s, we can adjust how we communicate in ways that encourage openness, respect and understanding. For instance, if someone speaks from a vulnerable child state, rather than responding from a critical parent, which may intensify defensiveness or hurt, try meeting them from a nurturing parent or adult space, one that offers empathy, reassurance, or practical support.

The Adult state tends to be the most effective for clear, balanced communication. It focuses on the present, seeks understanding, and keeps the conversation balanced and solution-oriented. Taking a breath and shifting into your adult state might sound like:

“I think we’re both feeling overwhelmed. Can we talk about how to share things more evenly?”

This opens space for understanding, responsibility, and teamwork rather than conflict.

Creating healthier communication and connection

Healthy communication isn’t about always getting it right; it’s about being aware, intentional and willing to pause before reacting. When we recognise the dynamics between us, we can consciously shift our approach to create a calmer, more cooperative exchange.

Clear, open communication deepens understanding, reduces tension and builds trust. It allows each person to feel heard, valued and respected. Through active listening and empathy, we move from defensiveness to connection, strengthening not just our words, but our relationships and overall emotional well-being. When we take time to notice which ego state we’re speaking from, we give ourselves the power to choose connection over conflict.

 If you’d like some support navigating communication or relationship challenges, consider working with a coach where you can explore what’s going on and how to support balanced, healthy connections in your life.