How to disarm your inner critic and build confidence
Typical, I thought. Why hadn't I thought of it sooner? I sighed and redid the job in the better way I'd just come up with. Yes, that was faster and easier; I should have come up with this before; it was obvious. How stupid of me!

Later that day, I was in a presentation - Bob, our sales dude, was showing a new idea he'd come up with, to applause from us all. "Great idea - well done, Bob", we said.
Later still that day - it dawned on me. Bob's idea was about as revolutionary as my own. But he'd been proud, and received acclaim. While I'd just beaten myself up for not having thought about it. What was going on?
The inner critic
Most of us are familiar with that persistent negative voice inside – the inner critic. It’s the one that focuses in on every flaw, magnifies potential risks, and thrives on negativity. Yep, that was why I was being tough on myself. And maybe why I worked late, and apologised a lot, and did things for others that I didn't really want to... and a whole bunch of other stuff.
This tendency is deeply rooted in human survival instincts - spotting danger was essential, while focusing on nice things was not. We are geared to worry - we have big complicated brains and vulnerable bodies; if we didn't worry and try to anticipate sabre-toothed tigers in the jungle, we'd have died out long ago. Our ability to remember mistakes and foresee problems is a survival mechanism - that now means a single critical comment can overshadow the fifty compliments you received.
Sometimes, the inner critic serves a useful purpose. Maybe you really should spend less time scrolling or eat healthier – most of us should, after all! Usually, it means well - it's there to protect you.
But it often does a horrible job - like a coach who yells at his athletes, instead of providing useful insight. So - if your critic is constantly nagging regardless of what you do, or if it's more hurtful than helpful - it’s time for a change. Imagine having a kind, helpful voice encouraging you daily. Nice, right?
The ROAD framework for disarming your inner critic
So - here’s some good news. The brain can change. If you dwell on a thought, it will be easier for that thought to recur. So the more often you focus on the good, and treat yourself kindly, and practice detaching from the critic – the easier it will all become.
With that in mind, this is the ROAD (Reflect, Observe, Assess, Disarm) framework to disarm your inner critic:
1. Reflect
First - get to know your inner critic a bit more. Answer the questions below.
- Purpose: What purpose/s does the inner critic play? What fears does it have; what is it protecting me from?
- Triggers: When does it come out – in what situations tend to trigger it? When does it stay away – in what situations can I think I’m OK?
- Impact: What impact does it have on me – behaviours, actions, thoughts and feelings? If I disarm the critic – what bad things might happen? What good things?
- Status: Where am I now – how dominant and frequent is the voice?
- Goal: Where would be a good place to get to – what would have changed for me? What visible behaviour changes could others notice quickly? How can I tell for myself that I’ve improved?
- Sources: Were there critical people or incidents – particularly adult figures from childhood – that went into forming this voice? How, when, who, where?
2. Observe and assess
Once you've reflected on your critic and have a better idea of the sources and purpose - you can start observing, and assessing; both at the same time. You practice observing because a lot of the critic's running commentary goes unnoticed. And it's only when you notice the critic is talking, that you can assess how what it’s saying compares to reality.
Observe – identify when the inner critic is being harsh, and be aware of it as a thought – not reality.
- If there’s a sudden lurch in your guts or feeling of fear – where did it come from? What were you thinking about? This can be difficult to pin down - practice it
- When you look in the mirror – what does the little voice in your head say?
- In conversation – do you focus on the most negative (to you) interpretation - e.g. feeling you have to defend yourself or apologise?
Top tip: Your inner critic might start giving out to you for having such a strong inner critic – ‘Damn, there I go again!” Yes, that’s one of the paradoxical irritating features: you’ll beat yourself up for beating yourself up. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is just the inner critic again – just notice it, and practice saying “Ah, there it is” instead.
Assess – compare what the critic is saying, against reality. The critic is an illogical critter: it often says things that are quite loopy - "Everyone will laugh" (What, everyone? And won't most of the audience actually be quite sympathetic?).
Ask yourself the questions below. They boil down to: is what the critic says true and important? What evidence is there? Try to think - what interpretation would someone with cheerful confidence have of the event?
- What inaccuracies are there? See the list of ‘thinking errors’ for common flaws
- What purpose is it serving – what is it trying to protect you from?
- How bad would it actually be if it’s correct? Bear in mind that we often feel dread at the idea of someone finding a mistake we made - but often, it doesn’t actually matter.
- How else could it be said? The voice might be trying to protect you – from ridicule or judgement – but remember, it’s lousy at how it does it. How would you say this to a friend? How would you say this to your five-year-old self? The way it says it is usually only one version of ‘truth’
3. Disarm your inner critic
Once you’ve practised how to spot your critic and evaluate what it says, it's time to try a few new techniques to disarm your inner critic.
Think of this as new practices to build up for years to come. There's no silver bullet that will do this overnight. Rather, it's about continuous practice, and gently reminding yourself to do more of this when times are bad.
Think of it like exercise – doing one intense sprint might be helpful for a short while, but consistent small workouts are what you need for a healthy body throughout your life. Happily – most of these exercises are far more enjoyable than physical exercise, as they move you from a negative to a positive mindset.
For many of the tools, you’ll need to do explicit, clear practice several times, before it becomes something that takes less and less effort – and eventually, it becomes fairly automatic.
Play with all the tools below, and see what works. Different tools might work better for you at different times.
1. Mindfulness meditation
Mindfulness was recommended throughout literature as the best tool us humans have for detaching from our whirlwind of thoughts and observing them – instead of being immersed in feeling them.
I roughly define the practice of mindfulness meditation as ‘see it, don’t be it’.
The general recommendation is to spend a few minutes practising this daily. If you haven’t tried it before – there are lots of free resources and apps like Calm and Headspace.
You started doing some of this with the ‘Awareness’ step above. With mindfulness, once you've noticed the critic attacking, you'll be better able to take a deep breath and detach from the emotion.
2. Positive reflection and journaling
Reflecting on the positives in writing is another great way to hush the critic. This technique is just about writing the top three nice things down at the end of the day. More importantly, it's about noticing throughout the day the nice things that are happening; actively looking for them.
Your brain is probably in the habit of focusing on the negatives. Retraining your mind to notice the many little good things that are happening throughout the day, so you can write about the top thre, helps rewire your brain to keep noticing the positive. Just keep looking for nice things - small stuff is fine. Pause a beat to: admire the sunset; smile at the cute baby, taste the delicious cake, enjoy a laugh with a colleague. Before sleep, instead of dwelling on problems – replay the positive moments of the day in your head.
3. Get help
Coaches or therapists obviously are experts and can help in this area. But, more simply - just getting friends and family on side also helps. Talk with them about what you’re doing. Tell them what help you’d find useful – for example, when you slip into automatic self-deprecating mode, they could highlight the positive ‘reality’ side, giving a different perspective.
And - just talking with friends about the critic will help. Shame and guilt love secrecy. Talking about the critic removes a lot of its power - saying it out loud helps you realise just how mad and illogical it is.
4 Personify it
Give the critic a name, a ‘handle’ that you can use for reference. This will let you say “Ah, it’s just xxx acting up again”. Visualise it – you can even sketch it out in a drawing. Look for a personification that you can slightly laugh at; something that is manageable for you.
Doing this helps create distance between you and the critic - instead of immediately feeling all the bad emotions from your dreadful crimes, you can just say "Shush, gremlin" (that's Brene Brown's name for her inner critic!)
5. Create your ally
To counter the inner critic - create an inner ally. Think about who you would like to defend you - who would tolerate none of the critic's negative talk, who would big you up, help you grow? It could be anything from a beloved caretaker from your childhood to an imaginary superhero, or just a friend – or several of these. And - when the critic starts yelling - unleash your allies. Let them defend you, shout about how great you are, tell the critic to pipe down. Call them forth at any time you need a different voice.
These five tips are just some of the many techniques which you can use to help disarm your critic, and build up your confidence. Remember, the critic has good intentions in wanting to protect you – but its execution is dreadful: it can make your life miserable. But remember the ROAD:
- Reflect on where it’s coming from and what it's trying to do.
- Observe when it’s talking - notice the negative background chatter.
- Assess what it’s saying against reality - decide if it’s true and important.
- Disarm it with some of the tools below:
- Mindfulness meditation – helps you to ‘see it, don’t be it.’
- Positive reflection/journaling – explicitly shifts your focus from the critic’s negative, to positive.
- Personify it – having a manageable handle helps with detaching.
- Get help – supportive friends and family can help you with noticing and reframing; coaches or therapists can help you get to deeper change faster.
- Create your champion – having a vivid set of inner allies will help counterbalance the voice.
By keeping all this in mind, your brain will learn some new happier tricks - and stop beating you up.
