How to be confident in 3 steps

I think a lot of us would like to be more confident. 

Even if you are a naturally confident person there are times in your life that make you blush, nervous or even nauseous! 

I’m going to share three steps that can help you feel more confident in challenging situations and build greater self-confidence over time.

Before I tell you about the three steps - the most important thing to remember is that in some cases, competence creates increased confidence.

So before you try anything else, look at the situation that is making you feel unconfident. Is it something that needs more study or practice? For example - are you feeling unconfident about a presentation that you haven’t done enough preparation for?

The reason I ask this first is because some issues relating to a lack of confidence can be solved via an improvement in your competence in a specific area. However, let’s say that you are well prepared for whatever the situation is - and you still feel unconfident. What do you do past that point?

This is where you could look to explore the emotional triad. We all have an emotional triad and because of that, we all have the ability to be build on our confidence.

The emotional triad and its impact on self-confidence

Step one - your body

How you feel can affect your body. When you are happy you might smile. When you are lacking confidence, you may notice yourself becoming tense, looking down or trying to make yourself less noticeable. What a lot of people don’t realise is that you can reverse this journey of communication.

It can be helpful to pay attention to what your body is doing when you're nervous and experiment with small changes that help you feel more comfortable and grounded.

These changes won't automatically make nerves disappear, but becoming more aware of your body can help you feel calmer and more prepared for the situation ahead.

Step two - your thoughts

When you are faced with the situation that makes you feel unconfident - what are you thinking about?

You are most probably thinking about:

• How it could all go wrong?
• How everyone thinks you look stupid?
• How everyone looks bored?

However, these self-doubt questions are sending messages to your brain implying that it's in danger - therefore, you have a lesser confidence in dealing with the situation as you feel at risk.  

You should try to make the effort to change these thoughts because they are not useful!

In these instances, try to remember to think the exact opposite to this. You can visualise this, like I've outlined in some of these examples below: 

Step three - your inner dialogue 

Start paying attention to the words you use to talk to yourself when faced with a situation that makes you feel low in confidence.

You are most probably saying things like:

• “This is terrible”.
• “I look like an idiot”.
• “I will never be good at this”.
• “S/he doesn’t like me”.

Notice these thoughts and consider whether there's a more balanced and helpful way to speak to yourself. You don't need to force yourself to believe the exact opposite. Instead, try choosing words that acknowledge how you're feeling while reminding yourself of what you're capable of.

The way you speak to yourself can influence how you approach a situation, so aim for an inner dialogue that is encouraging, realistic and supportive.

Tell yourself:

Once again - we are influencing the messages that get sent to your brain and in turn, we are affecting the way your brain creates your emotions. 

Remember the three steps: pay attention to your body, notice the thoughts you're focusing on and listen to the way you're talking to yourself. Small changes in each of these areas can help you approach challenging situations with a greater sense of confidence and control.

And don't forget about competence! Prepare, practise and give yourself the best possible foundations to work from. You don't have to feel 100% confident before you take action. Give it a go, notice what works for you and keep practising. Confidence can grow every time you take that next step.

Coaching for confidence

If a lack of confidence is holding you back, working with a coach can give you the space to explore what's getting in the way, recognise your strengths and find practical ways to move forward with greater self-belief.