How do we find ourselves once more after grief

You do not move on from grief; you live with it. I have written a few articles on grief, but every now and again, I stumble when I feel a loss that maybe I would have liked to have “got over”, and I am reminded, as the title suggests, that you do not move on from grief but more that you begin to live with it.

Here it becomes part of your colours, rather than something to be placed into the hands of time, whereby we may somehow be purged of it. We are, in fact, in a way sanctified by the allowing of the entering of loss, and such a tearing.

Each one of us is going to experience loss at one time or another in our lives; it is in many ways the price we pay for love, both the giving of it and the receiving of it.

What we lose

Someone’s presence and all that goes with that. Their smell, their laugh, their touch, sometimes with grandparents and parents, their counsel, and all that is to us special and unique about them and the way they make us feel. The belonging.

We feel this with our pets without ever any exchange of words, and yet their love and the love we feel for them is profound. There are many other losses: childhood, youth, and agility. Babies changing into toddlers, turning into children and then adolescence, their meal times, their school runs. I heard someone say once that motherhood was finding the ability to survive the little deaths that come quite naturally from babyhood. Now, as a mother to adult children l understand what is meant by this. The Empty Nest Syndrome itself has grief at its core.

I think it is a wisdom both to understand and also to know that taking things for granted can have huge regret attached to it. And regret is something that you do not want when someone or something is lost. Because regret alone is something that we have to come to terms with, and it has a very unforgiving sting.

Grief without death

Sometimes relationships end, and not through death, when there is no funeral or rallying around, but where we have to carry on living with the loss when a person has chosen not to be with us and maybe with someone else. So many complicated emotions go along with that kind of loss and grief. Sometimes in this unrequited loss, we are told about how there are “many more fish in the sea”; there are so many anecdotal expressions used because our socialisation of loss and grief is more about moving on than moving through.

Try not to be an advocate for that.

Instead, understand that the pain of loss is enough in itself without the bitter gall of regret, and if loss is wholly on many levels unavoidable, then for sure regret is not, and if the significance of our sadness has to be justified or explained, we are doing so with the wrong person. We are not really socialised for loss.

We need to say l love you, we need to say when someone is special to us, we need to tell and seize all of those moments while and when we can.

I can remember once my father wanted to have lunch with me, when I was busy, and I didn’t go. But then, as I drove away, it dawned on me that one day, when he was gone l would wish that opportunity back a thousand times, so I called him and turned back and went with him. When he died, although the grief was intensely profound, there were no regrets. We always showed up for each other, and I found that hugely comforting. There were no if-only moments. I did them all.

So I would encourage you, if you are reading this, to take every opportunity to show your love with your time and your presence. Sometimes, there is also an opportunity in grief to share and nurture your relationship with others. Those who are also grieving at the same time, or those who have lost themselves. In that sharing, it can deepen your relationships with others through shared empathy.

Other types of losses that we grieve

There are also so many other types of losses that we grieve. Different transitions of life for one. Felt change that is unwelcome. Grief is a universal experience. Sometimes, so is hiding it. Despite the information out there on social media, we are still, by and large, socialised to hide our grief.

Awareness of the variants, also of loss not only through death but through change and endings and also loving and growing, can trigger a sense of being lost through the overwhelm of emotion that can surface even when we cannot specify their origin.

Anniversaries 

These can often cause deep feelings of resurrected grief. I have found that rather than dreading or avoiding, allowing and letting in inspires a celebration of the bond, love and treasured connection that you once had. That will remain part of you forever. Giving yourself permission can help enormously. You can plan to be intentional around a time that you know will be difficult for you, if it is the anniversary of losing a loved one. 

Maybe take time off if you can, or buy a special candle to light, or simply give yourself the permission to have the space to let feelings surface. This allows you to lean into it, rather than dread it or fear it.

There are also other forms of grief which are good to be aware of to mention here.

Complicated grief

This is when our grief has been ongoing for a long time and when it interferes with our ability to function. When it complicates our everyday life for a year or more, where symptoms of loss and grieving are not letting up, or potentially getting worse, maybe we start withdrawing. These can be described as intense longing, numbness and numbing, feelings of depersonalisation, as well as difficulty accepting the loss.

This is outlined as a difference. While normal grief gradually subsides over time, allowing for a return to daily functioning, complicated grief remains intense and often gets worse. I am only using the word normal here in an outlining capacity, but not as a legitimisation.

Grief is actually an act of love, and how important someone or something has been and continues to be to you as an individual. When grief intensifies, however, rather than delicately subsiding, it would benefit from the help of someone who can gently navigate that with you.

I have personally experienced complicated grief and, at the time, had no idea what it even was. I had never heard of it. Had I known about it, I would have understood so much more about what was happening to me at the time. Complicated grief can be a slippery slope, because it happens little by little, resulting in loss compounding loss of self and the fundamental ability to feel joy in life and living.

Complicated grief can also result in anhedonia, a constant feeling of emptiness, lack of motivation, and not wishing to talk with others, even those closest to you. Sometimes, even emotional numbness or functional freeze, or a profound inability to experience joy or pleasure.

It spans various mental health conditions, often manifesting as an evolutionary response to chronic stress that causes the brain to "shut down" reward seeking to focus on surviving. If this is something you might be experiencing, it is both wise and important to see a professional who can treat it. 

It is rooted in a malfunction of the brain’s reward system, particularly involving reduced dopamine activity in the ventral striatum. It is driven by chronic stress, trauma, and the core neurobiological mechanism is reduced activity in the brain's "pleasure centre."

For those of us experiencing grief and loss, it is good to know that it is a normal part of loving and that we are altered by it. The living with it is coming to know our altered self, so that we can remember with embracing the privilege of loving another or another place or period in our lives.

We are enriched by the love known that lives not only in our memories, but also in our hearts. We can continue to love what we cannot see; it holds an altered presence, and that is what lives on inside of us forever, as a part of our tapestry we are woven alongside our loss in and by our love and our remembrance.