Five ways coaching can free us from the blocks that keep us stuck

One of the most frustrating things about being stuck is that often, we know where we want to go, but something is stopping us from getting there. It reminds me of sitting in stationary traffic, moments away from the motorway turnoff that leads to the exciting destination, but the line of gridlocked lorries and cars means we can’t get any further until the obstruction ahead has cleared. 

Being stuck is a common starting point for people who contact me for coaching. They feel heavy, tangled or lost in an ocean of possibilities. Compounding their frustration is the knowledge that they are capable, creative people, yet can’t seem to move forward however much they try. In a society that values success and the achievement of outcomes above all else, is it any wonder the feeling is so widespread? There’s pressure for us to keep moving, producing, and prospering; so much so that if we slow down or stop, it can feel like failure. 

This situation is one of the main reasons I wanted to become a coach in the first place. I’d spent what felt like most of my twenties completely stuck, before a few sessions with my own coach left me with a sense of clarity on what I needed (or didn’t need) to do. What was once a dark, overgrown forest had opened up to a clear road ahead. Having laid the groundwork I still had to take the first step, but the path was now clear for me to do so. 

There is a myriad of ways coaching can help us get to this point. But for me, five stand out:

1. it gives us the space to process and reflect
2. it refreshes our perspective
3. it helps us build momentum
4. accountability
5. resilience 

My own journey towards getting unstuck started with a realisation I had about earphones. (Stay with me here).

I’m one of the few people I know who still uses a pair of earphones with a cable. Even if you have graduated to their cooler, 'budded’ siblings, perhaps you’ll remember a time when - on a train journey or in a waiting room - you reached into your bag for the wired variety, only to find them intricately entangled with your phone charger, house keys and - inexplicably - your shoe laces. Now, unless you want to listen to your podcast with your own foot in your face, you are first tasked with freeing the implosion of plastic and copper wire. And good luck getting off the train if you don’t.

Of course, we’re not really talking about disorganised technology here. This, in microcosm, is what it can feel like to be stuck; the cables and detritus of our thoughts, ideas, and desires, all enmeshed together stopping us from getting on with our lives.

Like most things, it’s on a continuum. But at its worst, feeling stuck can have a knock-on effect on our relationships, health, and even our identity. Some days, it doesn’t take long to untie the knot. Others can involve more of a process; loosening one might reveal others, for example, each more tightly bound than the last. In this case, it can be difficult to know where to start. So we give up, the feeling of failure closing in as we fixate on what we couldn’t do. 

This brings me to the first way coaching can help.

How can coaching help?

1. Space

Until writing this article, I didn’t realise that a verb had two meanings. Did you know that, as well as being a word describing an action, a verb also expresses a state of being? So it is with coaching. “Coaching” is not so much an action that is done to the client, but a space where the client can be. More specifically, it is a space the coach “holds” for them while they explore whatever they need to make the change they want. 

Being given this space to process - crucially by someone unconnected from our lives (and earphones) - not only takes the pressure off having to immediately fix or achieve, it allows us to zoom out and experience the bigger picture. It’s here we might realise that the knotted thread we’d honed in on is a single aspect in a tapestry of others. Sometimes this clarity alone can be enough to loosen it. But if it isn't, we have...

2. Perspective

Or rather, a shift in perspective. Being stuck can fix our mindset, and not in a good sense. When we’re focused on untangling our proverbial earphones from everything else, it’s as if we’re entangled with them. How can we be open to other possibilities when we’re mired in our own thoughts?

When I talked about being stuck in traffic, what did you imagine? Did you see yourself in the driver’s seat? Were you the passenger? Maybe you were the lorry causing the blockage? 

Sometimes it’s difficult to get out of the pattern on our own, but when a coach asks us a question that makes us think, new options can emerge, allowing us to view the narrative of our lives differently. It may not always resonate, but it might spark a new line of thinking.

Maybe, as in my earlier (slightly silly) example, I don’t need to rush to free my earphones from my shoelace. For now, perhaps all I need to do is simply take my shoe off. Sure, I’ll be fashioning some questionable earrings in the short term, but at least listening to my podcast will relax me until I’m ready to try again with a clearer head. 

3. Momentum

And with that decision made, what else could be possible? Exciting flashes of inspiration can occur as things begin to flow; the red glare of car brake lights is no longer the only thing in view. Suddenly, the lorry at the front - the obstacle - is moving. Engines re-start as more brake lights blink off, continuing until... it’s us moving forward!

4. Accountability 

Now we’re away, enjoying the ride, very much in the driver’s seat. Perhaps we've even achieved our goal and are onto the next? In some ways, however, that was the easy part.

This brings me momentarily to the great mystery of Christmas tree lights. (Again, stay with me)

Have you ever experienced how, even after putting them back in the box - beautifully untangled - they’ll somehow have become entwined with the rest of the decorations when pulled out again the following December? It’s almost guaranteed. Just as it’s almost certain that we’ll encounter more traffic or diversions as we continue on our journey. This can feel like a setback, especially after experiencing that wonderful momentum. So what inspires us to keep going?

Sometimes just knowing our next session is a week or two away can help keep us motivated, focused and accountable to ourselves. 

5. Resilience

And here, I think, is an important distinction. We’re accountable to ourselves, not our goals or our coach. There’s little point in blazing forward in the name of “progress” if it means burning ourselves out or undoing the work we’ve already done. Who says that progress has to be linear, anyway? What does progress look like to us?

Whilst encountering another blip or block can feel like we’re back where we started, the fact we’ve been there before can be the very thing that creates hope and confidence. Why? Because we got past it the first time. We’ve already done the groundwork, made the connections, and fused new neurons. 

Having that space held for us, in the beginning, allowed us to create (or add to) the toolbox of resources we can now draw upon whenever we need. It doesn’t mean we’ll be incapable of getting stuck again; we just know we have a process to deal with it. Now every time we loosen a knot that would have paralysed us before, our confidence grows. We can hear the questions our coach might ask or observations they'd make without them being there to make them. This is the resilience that readies us to go it alone, satisfied the coaching relationship has served its purpose. 

Of course, progress isn't linear. One day we may come up against something that shakes our foundation where need to create additional tools, like developing antibodies in the face of a new virus. That’s OK; we can always start the process again until we’re ready to carry on, stronger and more fulfilled than before. 

In summary

Coaching gives us a space to untangle the threads of our thoughts, emotions or behaviour whenever we feel stuck. Seeing things from a different perspective can create new ways of thinking, even flashes of inspiration, which can be hugely motivating. As the threads continue to loosen and the blocks clear, momentum builds as we work towards accomplishing our goals. Now we have a foundation that can help make us more resilient to future obstacles, allowing us to use the resources we’ve cultivated to keep us from getting stuck again.