Decisions are hard because we’re always loosing

Decision-making, particularly when we feel stuck, isn’t just about weighing options or figuring out logistics. It’s an emotional process, deeply tied to loss and grief. When we choose one path, we inevitably let go of others—other possibilities, other futures, and sometimes even pieces of our identity. This letting go, while necessary, can be painful, and it’s often what keeps us stuck in the first place.

At the heart of every significant decision lies the unspoken reality that we’re not just choosing something; we’re also giving something up. And that act of “giving up” can feel like a small kind of grief. Researchers on decision-making, such as Daniel Kahneman, highlight the role of loss aversion—a psychological tendency to fear losses more than we value equivalent gains. This explains why we often hesitate or procrastinate, even when one option clearly seems “better.” It’s not just about making the right choice; it’s about avoiding the regret we might feel about the road not taken.

Take, for example, the analogy of clearing out an old wardrobe. You might know you don’t wear half the clothes in there anymore, but deciding what to let go of feels hard. Each piece carries a memory or a sense of “what if.” What if I need this someday? What if I regret throwing it away? Our minds work the same way with choices in life. Every option we leave behind feels like an unworn shirt we’re afraid to donate—even if we’re never likely to use it again.

This emotional resistance can intensify when our choices are tied to deeply held values or identities. Choosing to leave a job, for instance, might mean letting go of the idea of yourself as someone who succeeded in that particular role or industry. Ending a relationship might feel like losing the version of yourself that existed within it. Even smaller decisions, like turning down a social event, can trigger a sense of loss—what if that event held an opportunity for connection or joy that you’ll now never experience?

But it’s not just the fear of loss that keeps us stuck; it’s also the grief that comes with moving forward. Grief doesn’t only happen after catastrophic losses like death or divorce. It also appears in quieter, less obvious ways—grieving the life we could have lived, the dreams we didn’t chase, or even the potential selves we’re leaving behind. Psychologists suggest that this “disenfranchised grief,” which isn’t always acknowledged or validated by others, can linger beneath the surface and make decision-making even harder.

To move forward, we need to give ourselves permission to feel this grief and recognize it as part of the process. Acknowledging the emotional weight of our decisions doesn’t make us weak or indecisive — it makes us human. Sometimes, the act of grieving what we’re letting go of is what frees us to embrace what’s ahead.

Imagine standing in front of two doors, each representing a different future. You know you can only walk through one, but instead of choosing, you remain frozen, staring at both. The truth is, you’re not just afraid of what’s behind the door you’ll pick—you’re mourning the loss of the door you won’t. But staying in the hallway forever isn’t an option either. As author, John A. Shedd said, “A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” Making a choice, even if it feels risky, is the only way to move forward.

Data supports the idea that avoiding decisions doesn’t save us from regret. A study by Tykocinski and Pittman (1998) on decision-making showed that people often feel more regret over inaction than action in the long term. In other words, staying stuck feels safe in the moment, but it often leads to a deeper sense of dissatisfaction later.

So, how can we navigate the grief of decision-making?

1. Name it! Acknowledge the losses inherent in every choice and let yourself feel them without judgment.

2. Visualise the opportunities ahead. While you can’t walk every path, the one you choose has the potential to bring growth and fulfilment.

3. Focus on how you’re choosing rather than outcomes. When we make choices aligned with what truly matters to us—rather than what we fear—we’re less likely to look back with regret.

Being stuck isn’t about laziness or indecision; it’s about not wanting to miss out and lose! When we recognise this, we can approach our choices with compassion, courage, and a sense of hope for what lies ahead. After all, every decision we make helps shape the story of who we are—and who we’re becoming.