How to deal with divorce

When we go through a divorce, the idea of finding new meaning for a new life can feel pointless and unattainable. The future we imagined may suddenly look very different, and it can take time to adjust.

However, the thoughts we hold onto can influence our emotional responses and may help to unlock and release some of the pain. It is not that we can change or stop the loss, but we can begin to change some of the thoughts that surround it. This, in turn, can bring a little peace as we adjust to a new reality.

Allow yourself time to grieve

All change, including loss, brings painful emotions, and it is important to allow yourself time to grieve. Divorce can mean grieving not only the relationship, but also shared routines, plans and the future you thought you would have together.

There is no right way to feel after a divorce. You may experience sadness, anger, fear, confusion or even relief, and these feelings can change from one day to the next. Rather than putting pressure on yourself to move on, try to give yourself permission to experience your emotions.

Allow them in and spend time with them when you need to. Let your thoughts gradually manifest into hope and help to heal the pain. Endings are also beginnings, and it is really important to be kind to yourself while experiencing change.

Be kind to yourself

When life changes unexpectedly, it can be easy to question yourself or repeatedly think about what you could have done differently. Try to notice when your thoughts become overly critical.

Consider how you would speak to a friend who was experiencing the same situation. You would probably offer them patience, understanding and compassion. Try to offer yourself the same kindness.

Looking after yourself does not need to mean making major changes. Small things such as getting outside, eating regularly, resting when you need to, spending time with people you trust or returning to an activity you enjoy can help provide some stability.

Look for moments of light

However dark life seems, there may be moments of light. It could be a simple smile, a conversation that lifts your mood or a glimpse of hope about what the future might hold.

These moments are precious and should be cherished. They may appear for a second and then fade away. However, over time, these moments can grow longer and lighter, so embrace these flickering nuggets as gifts of joy to be nurtured.

It is OK to experience moments of happiness while you are still grieving. Enjoying yourself does not mean that the relationship or the loss did not matter. It can simply be a sign that you are beginning to make room for other experiences alongside your pain.

Take small steps towards your future

Divorce can leave you wondering what comes next. You do not need to have the answer immediately.

Instead, focus on small steps that can make everyday life feel more manageable. This might mean creating a new routine, reconnecting with friends, returning to an old interest or trying something you have always wanted to do.

Try to focus on the things you can control. You cannot necessarily change another person's actions or decisions, but you can think about what you need and how you want to look after yourself.

Over time, these small decisions can help you rediscover what is important to you and begin creating a life that feels like your own.

Affirmations after divorce

Affirmations can help grow these treasured moments and help create a new vision for your future. They will not take difficult emotions away, but they can provide a gentle reminder to treat yourself with kindness and recognise that things can change.

You may find the following affirmations helpful:

• I choose to embrace the light.
• All things are unfolding as they are supposed to be.
• I choose to treat myself kindly.
• In my sadness and pain, I can and do love myself.
• I choose to believe I can create my own new destiny.

Choose the words that feel meaningful to you rather than putting pressure on yourself to feel positive when you do not.

Getting support

Sometimes, talking about what you are experiencing can help you make sense of difficult emotions. Friends and family may provide valuable support, but you might also want a neutral space where you can speak openly without worrying about how somebody close to you will respond.

A coach can offer a supportive space to explore how divorce is affecting you and consider what you need as you adjust to change. Rather than telling you what choices to make, a coach can help you reflect on what matters to you, identify your goals and take positive steps towards the next chapter of your life.

Moving forward does not mean forgetting the past. Give yourself permission to move at your own pace, notice those small moments of light and remember to treat yourself with kindness as you begin to discover what comes next.