Curiosity for collaboration (not control) in tough conversations

Communication and its impact on relationships have been thoroughly researched and documented. (Gottman & Silver, 1999; Demiralay, 2023; Greenberg, 2022). In 2023, Dr. Baris Demiralay emphasised that effective communication is the foundation of strong relationships, personal growth, and teamwork. Whether you are looking to develop and improve personal relationships, friendships or working relationships, effective communication is the key ingredient. 

We have conversations for a million and one reasons, and it is common to engage in a conversation with an expectation of the outcome; we want an answer, to feel supported, heard, or are seeking information or problem-solving.

We often think about the message, what we want to say, and think less about ourselves as the messenger, and the person we are talking to as the receiver of the message. All three, sender, message and receiver, make up our conversation's day-to-day. (Berlo, 1960).

I have always been a curious person. When I was younger, I remember being told I was quite nosy! I now know that what others perceived as nosiness was my inner curiosity shining bright. However, I lacked emotional or social intelligence to use it with maximum effect, so I just appeared nosy. With age comes experience, and we develop our social intelligence through our day-to-day interactions. But what if we paid more attention and worked to supercharge our conversation with our curiosity and collaboration, and let go of the outcomes?  

Difficult conversations, whether they are with partners, family, friends or colleagues, can be something we try and avoid; they are one of the most common things I am asked for help with, as we tend to know we have to have them, but find it easier to avoid or delay them. This can result in escalating our problems as opposed to solving them. 

When we next notice a delay in having a conversation, we should deploy our curiosity within, ask ourselves why. Why do I want to avoid this conversation? It will usually come down to what we perceive will be the outcome of the conversation. But that is where we go wrong, we think we know, but we are only guessing.

If we can plan and practice having the conversation, it will help us regulate our emotions, which will foster calmness and clarity, keeping the prefrontal cortex switched on; our head is literally in the game. Cortisol is a prefrontal cortex inhibitor. When the stress response kicks in, which it can when faced with a difficult conversation, cortisol is released. (Hutcheson, 2025).

This prehistoric biological response to danger is designed to keep us alive by running away, not thinking! Therefore, we need to maintain calm to keep this hormone at bay. Generating curiosity for why it matters, and what we are worried about and practising having the conversation, will enable your amygdala to stay quiet to allow you to function during the challenging chat.

Letting go of the outcome will also support this calm approach to a tricky conversation. We cannot possibly know what another person is thinking; we think we know, and we can predict responses and behaviours, but we can't actually know. If we let go of the outcome and accept that we won't know, it will give us one less thing to worry about.  

Arriving in the conversation prepared and present allows us to tap into our curiosity again, but this time, focusing on the receiver. We can ask ourselves how they might feel, and we can ask how they feel, what they want, what their expectations and desired outcomes are. It then becomes a collaboration, and we let go of the need to control the outcome. 

As Jenifer Uhrlass wrote, “Curiosity helps people slow down, ask meaningful questions, and commit to deeper understanding — enhancing both personal and professional relationships" (2025). So next time you notice that you have delayed a difficult conversation, stop and turn your curiosity on and allow it to lead the way to communicate with confidence.  

Coaching is an excellent way to develop both communication skills and confidence. I heard Chris Williamson (2025) say recently, "Confidence without confidence is a myth", so coaching can be your answer for development in both areas. If something you have read sparks your curiosity, and you would like to know how a coach can help, reach out to a professional.